Hope Amidst Brokenness

I was a quite naïve and happy little girl. Always smiling, always excited about people and life. I laughed a lot—demonstrated by many childhood pictures where my mouth was open because dad made me laugh. Not much could upset me.

As I grew up, various life circumstances shaped me and taught me that life is not always good. But over the last few years in particular, the reality of life has slammed me. I’ve observed and experienced brokenness everywhere. Both in my heart, in other people, and in the church.

Things aren’t so innocently happy as I once believed. Life has a way of making you keen to the ugliness of the curse. And it can leave you hardened, cynical, and skeptical.

Or it can push you to where true hope is found.

I interned in a residential facility for a year and I saw the destruction of sin and the curse in deeper ways. These women usually had very difficult backgrounds with sometimes unimaginable suffering. Understandably, there was a correlation with that suffering and many sinful life choices. But more than the dominating sin that usually characterized them, I saw myself in those women. I had some of the very same heart issues. And if not for God’s grace, I would be where they were, in bondage to my sin.

This is sobering and difficult. I hate seeing the destruction of sin. I hate having broken relationships. I hate when my sin hurts others. It's tempting for me to grow weary and lose hope in this life.

But isn't that where God wants us?

Not in the sense of wanting to die because life is so miserable, but realizing that this life is not the end-all, and recognizing that true hope and happiness will never be found here on earth.

See, your brokenness, your sin, your struggles—they all are meant to point you to a greater hope that is bigger than the joys of earth. This future hope reminds us that one day everything will be made right, and for the believer, we will experience lasting joy in God (Jn. 16:22).

But more than that, God is weaving something beautiful through the suffering you face today. We can't understand it because we only see the underside of the tapestry. Tim Keller speaks of it in this way:

“Everything sad is going to come untrue and it will somehow be greater for having once been broken and lost.” 

Isn't this a glorious thought? There is hope. Hope when a close friend abandons you. Hope when your health spirals out of control. Hope when someone sins grievously against you. Hope when you fail, again. For the believer, God is redeeming each and every difficult circumstance, every moment of sadness and hurt. And someday it will not only become "untrue", but the joy and gladness will be even sweeter than if we had never suffered. Hard to imagine, isn't it? What hope this gives us as we face the brokenness of life.

By God's grace, He is in the process of transforming those women at Vision of Hope, redeeming their suffering and sin and creating beautiful, spotless children of God. And He is doing the same for me. And for you.

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 57

Sometimes the storms we face are destructive. They leave scars that shape our future. They can push us to breaking point. Whether it's the storm of undiagnosed chronic illness wreaking havoc on your life, an unexpected divorce, a close friend suddenly turning on you, the loss of home through fire or flood, a prodigal child, or the death of a loved one, we all experience devastating storms.

If you are in the middle of a storm, it seems all-encompassing. The grief and heartbreak overwhelm you. It threatens to swallow you. It may not seem possible, but there is hope to cling to in the middle of the storm. David encourages us in this as He cries out honestly to God:

"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in You my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High, 
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.”
Psalm 57:1-2

As we think on these verses, let's consider:
Where is the hope in the midst of destructive storms?

1. Hope is found in our merciful God (v. 1). It is tempting to get angry at God or to doubt His goodness when everything is falling apart. I know I frequently want the storm to be over. In those desperate moments of despair, we must turn to God and seek His mercy. Don't turn away from Him in anger, but keep crying out to Him, as David does in this Psalm. Ask Him for mercy and for grace to persevere when the chronic pain is unbearable or the grief from loss overtakes you. Ask Him to give you hope. 


2. Hope is found in our Refuge in the storm (v. 1). The definition of refuge is “a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble.” We are safe in the storm, because we know the One who has complete control over the storm. The imagery here of finding refuge in the shadow of His wings is quite stunning. Just as a bird, caring for her young, protects them from harm of the winds and storms, so God does the same for us! He doesn't always cause the storm to cease, but He is our Rock and Refuge in it. So cry out to God, as David did, and find comfort and protection.


3. Hope is found in realizing this is temporary (v. 1). As David mentions, the storms of destruction will pass by (v. 1). They are not eternal, even though it may feel that way! Our afflictions, if we are believers in Christ, are temporary (2 Cor. 4:17). This is perhaps one of the hardest truths to believe when you're suffering. It seems like it will never end! But we know that God is faithful and that His Word is true, and so we can rest in knowing this trial is temporary. 


4. Hope is found in remembering (v. 2). God is fulfilling His purpose for you. This is an interesting phrase to follow verse 1. After all, David is running from Saul. The man promised to be the next king of Israel is hiding for fear of his life! This doesn’t make sense. How could this be accomplishing God's purposes? I'm sure David didn't understand, as I usually don’t in the middle of my storms. But somehow, amidst the destruction, God is fulfilling His purpose for you. For me. He has not forgotten you. Remember that no matter how bad it gets, God is fulfilling His good plans for you.

The truth is, knowing God doesn't take away the storms of life. But there is hope we can breathe even as we face the most heart-wrenching circumstances. Today, if you find yourself there, run to God and take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. And as you wait, let Him give you hope that can only be found in Him.

Comfort from the Psalms: New Series Coming!

Over the last couple years, I’ve spent much of my Bible reading immersed in the Psalms. It is there that I have encountered honesty, struggles, and hope. In my darkest moments, I’ve been reminded that I’m not alone. The Psalms have been a great source of comfort to my heart.

Because of this, I hope to write a series over the next few months titled "Comfort from the Psalms". Not because I have a lot of great wisdom or insight into these passages, but because I’ve experienced how hard it is to find comfort and hold on to hope in suffering. I need to remind myself of where my hope is found. A lot of my examples will likely geared to bring comfort and hope for chronic illness, but the truth of Scripture applies to all areas of life and suffering.

As I’ve battled chronic illness and other difficult life circumstances, the Psalms have been my go-to book. In the wrestling, the laments, the pain, and the hurt, the Psalms bring us back to the only One who gives lasting comfort and hope. This is one of the things that has steadied my heart on many a day where pain is intensified, emotions are screaming, and everything within me wants to blame God for why He hasn't changed my circumstances.

Can you relate?

I want to remember in those moments of doubt and struggle that God is working, and that what He is doing is good, as much as it conflicts with what I think is best. As Charles Spurgeon expresses:

"No flowers wear so lovely a blue as those which grow at the foot of a glacier;
No stars gleam so brightly as those which glisten in the polar sky;
no water tastes so sweet as that which springs amid the desert sang;
and no faith is so previous as that which lives and triumphs in adversity."

I pray that as I remind myself of the truth of who God is in my suffering, you too would experience comfort, find encouragement, and breathe hope through the Psalms.

Searching for Answers: My Chronic Illness Journey

It's really easy to compare in chronic illness. To compare to those worse off and think, "My story hasn't been that bad. I can't complain." Or to look to healthy people and think, "It looks like I'm trying to force sympathy." Because of this, it's quite challenging to know if and how to share your story of chronic illness.

I've thought about sharing a little of my story for a while. This is very much an overarching view, it really can't quite contain how incredibly difficult the last couple years have been. But my desire isn't to mope in self-pity or to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to give an honest glimpse into my chronic illness journey (which is not over yet!).

As typical for chronic illness patients, my symptoms came on somewhat gradually over the last 5 years, and for a few years I explained them away as minor issues or stress/circumstantially caused. Though by definition chronic illness is anything that lasts more than 3 months, it took over a year of debilitating chronic pain, fatigue, and worsening symptoms before I began to admit, “I have chronic illness.”

Initially I expected a doctor's appointment to solve my problem. I laugh at my naivety now. After a sudden out-of-state move I spent 6 months on my bed with fatigue. I still thought I was just having thyroid issues, so I anticipated thyroid medication would relieve my symptoms. I scheduled a doctor's appointment, and then pursued and began a year long internship. However, I learned that just by trying to keep up with “normal” life, I was getting worse, not better. I became more vigilant with research, appointments, and supplements, desperately searching for a root answer.

It took nearly 2 years of appointments to get a root diagnosis, way longer than I ever expected. Yes, I got “diagnoses" from several doctors (IBS, Fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, MTHFR, autoimmune issues, and more) but nothing seemed to really describe all my symptoms. I endured 3 nasty rounds of treatment for SIBO (gut infection with a high relapse rate), an antibiotic for a parasite, and long-term herbal protocol + special diet for various gut infections before I began to see gut improvement. I also began an immune boosting and detox protocol (supplements and diet), with the direction of my doctor, to address my autoimmune dysfunction.

While my gut issues began to see improvement, my pain and fatigue did not. In fact, some of my lab results were getting worse despite many months of treatment! At this point, my doctor decided to re-test me for Lyme disease and co-infections.

I had been tested for Lyme a year before, and it came out indeterminate. A previous doctor said she didn’t know if I had it or not, and wasn’t really sure what to do next. I was immensely discouraged because I really wanted an answer! Subsequently, I was quite fearful about re-testing for Lyme. If I had it, I knew the treatment regiment would be intensely difficult and long. But if I didn’t, was I making all this up? What if my doctor didn’t believe me? What if my quality of life stayed like this for another 10 years?

By God’s grace, I did finally get an answer. Recently I was diagnosed not only with Lyme disease, but 5 other major infections (frequently called co-infections)! No wonder I wasn’t seeing improvement.

It is encouraging to have answers and direction. But in this long process, God has been revealing where I place my hope. I've learned that it's not wrong to search and pray for medical answers. It's good to hope and not give up. But that is not where my ultimate hope is found. Hope is not in a diagnosis or a cure. Hope is found in my God, who walks with me no matter what I face.

My story isn’t over. I’m not healed yet. I don't know what upcoming months of treatment will be like, and how long it will take before I begin to see improvement. There are days I fear what the future may hold. But I have a faithful God who has been faithful to lead me thus far, and will continue to be faithful, whatever comes my way.

If you are facing the many unknowns of chronic illness, my heart goes out to you. It is excruciatingly hard. But don't lose heart! If you're a believer in Christ, God walks with you, giving hope in the darkest moments and fresh grace for each day.

A New Year and Self-Denial

It’s a new year. To be honest, I don’t feel like I have much to look forward to, and I don’t look back on the last year with much fondness. It was full of more suffering, struggles, and sin than I would care to admit.

This is not the way I saw my life going.

Perhaps that's the most discouraging thing as I look back on the past year and forward to this new year. As I battle several chronic infections, my life is significantly slower and drastically different than I ever imagined my 20s to be. Over the past few years, I've experienced the death of many dreams.

I knew that dying to self was part of the Christian life. However, I envisioned self-denial as serving on the foreign mission field or in full-time ministry. That's what sacrifice for the Kingdom looks like, right? But dying to self the difficult, daily battle of chronic illness, where a majority of my life is spent resting, taking supplements, enduring treatment regiments, or cooking food I can eat? No way!

As I look back, was my year wasted? It sometimes feels that way to me. But is it wasted when pastors are locked in solitary confinement for their faith? Is it wasted when a saint is bedridden the rest of their life? When a missionary family has to flee the country they were called to, for fear of their lives?

Not in God’s economy. How can this be?

Because God is the process of redeeming each and every moment.

Yes, even your most difficult circumstances are being redeemed! We see examples of this in Scripture:

When Joseph was unjustly put in prison, God used it to save the lives of many (Gen. 50:20).
When Paul was stuck in a cell, he said that it helped to spur on the gospel (Phil. 1:12-13).
When Job's life and family were taken from him, it brought Him to know God more deeply (Job 42:1-6).
When David was fleeing for his life, he experienced God as his Refuge in deeper ways than ever before (Ps. 3).
When Ruth becomes a young widow, God uses her re-marriage to Boaz to graft her into the lineage of Christ (Ruth 4:13-17).

I wrestle with the kind of cross-bearing I'm currently called to carry, questioning what God is doing, because I don't understand it at all. But this time as I processed, the line from All I Have is Christ rang in my head:

“Now Father use my ransomed life in anyway you choose.”

The truth that my life is not my own repeated in my head. When I surrendered my life to Christ, I agreed to let Him have complete control, and to use me however He desires. Whatever He chooses for my life is best, even if it contradicts what I think is best. God is using my seemingly "wasted" circumstances to teach me greater self-denial, reliance on Him, and trust in His goodness. I must frequently release my dreams and desires for His, so that I can say with Paul,

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ..." Phil. 3:7-8

This is what I have to look forward to in 2018. Not more self-promotion, success, accomplished plans, or fulfilled dreams. Not an exciting or fun year, as I would want. But there is something deeper and long-lasting. My greatest reward is to know God more deeply. And that comes through the road of self-denial. As I do that in the unique ways God has called me to, I find that all my temporary successes were nothing, and that Christ is everything.