When Ministry Falls Short

I work part time at a Christian camp. Since the end of the summer season, I’ve been thinking and processing a lot. It was amazing to watch God work in hearts and lives this summer. But I was reminded of something I've observed many times over the years (even in myself)—we tend to expect church or parachurch or Christian relationships to be easy. Perhaps even sin-free. Ministry is supposed to be a place of compassion, harmony, love, forbearance, and humility… right? 

But instead the very places we expect to experience joy and unity instead bring frustration, conflict, and brokenness.

Why?

The first and most obvious reason is that we live in a broken world, so there will always be disappointments. But we also all carry our sinful hearts with us, and so the worst spills out at some point (Luke 6:45). You can’t hide what’s really going on in your heart—it will overflow eventually. Not only that, but our selfish desires rage war against each other, causing conflict (James 4:1-2). All these things take place everywhere—even ministry.

Does it mean it’s not worth it?

Absolutely not.

Those difficulties, pains, and losses can drive us to where lasting hope is found. They teach us to not put our hope in people. To not expect a perfect church. To not look to ministry service to fulfill us. To not find our identity in what we do or what others think of us. That deep heart work is where God is cultivating His Kingdom, one person at a time. It is redemption in action.

God is building His Kingdom through broken people, broken ministries, and broken churches. Perfection is not the goal. Unity is not even the ultimate goal. But staying centered on the finished work of Jesus until He returns, participating in the spread of the gospel and the building of His Church—that should be our aim.

Loyal Love

Fear has a way of creeping into our relationships.

It causes us to question people's intentions, to doubt their loyalty, and to push others away to protect ourselves from getting hurt. It makes us unwilling to address conflict. It causes us to react to the tiniest slight or hint of rejection. It evokes anger when someone tries to take what we desperately try to protect. It keeps us from being real or honest with people. It causes us to cling to bitterness when we are deeply hurt.

If we're honest, fear keeps us from loving others.

I too have some very difficult past experiences of betrayal and rejection that still try to impact the way I view myself and others. It takes God's ongoing work of grace in my heart to keep me from living out of fear. So what truth enables me to move past my own fears and love other people more than I long to protect myself from hurt?

I must remember: I can only love others when I rest in the loyal love of God.

God's love for His children is utterly loyal. It is not based on our performance. When we doubt Him or get angry at Him, He doesn't turn away from us. He doesn't give up on us when we sin. He doesn't treat us the way we so often treat others. He pursues us relentlessly. Even when we are unfaithful, He remains faithful (2 Tim. 2:13).

More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
You are always there for me
You listen every time I speak
You look into my eyes
See the things I hide
And say that You will never leave
Your promises I can not break
And I know You will never change
-Loyal, Lauren Daigle

This is the One who never fails us. The only perfect, unchanging, loyal friend. Only when we rest in His love can we live without fear. We can find solid ground, because even when other people hurt or fail us, it is not the end of life. No betrayal or rejection (however ugly) can completely defeat us. No matter how badly we are hurt, we have One who will never fail. This love will not let go. What security that brings!

Rest in God's loyal love to you today.

 "May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." 

2 Thessalonians 3:5

12 Things Your Chronically Ill Friend Wants You to Know

As someone who battles chronic illness, I know how difficult it can be to understand or explain everything going on physically, spiritually, and mentally. So from my personal experience and interaction with others, I wanted to share some things that may help you better understand what your friend or family member is going through.

12 things your chronically ill friend wants you to know:

1. We get lonely. Being stuck in the house, greatly limited in mobility, or lacking energy to make it through events/activities gets incredibly lonely. So a huge way you can help is to simply be a friend. Be willing to do boring things like sit beside us on the couch and listen or talk, watch a movie, read, fold laundry, or even cry with us. Those simple acts go a long way.

2. We don't want to be a burden. It's hard to ask for help on the same basic tasks when you've faced illness for several years. The church tends to do an excellent job at helping in crises, but has a harder time serving long-term. Offering to bring food, make freezer meals, clean the bathroom, do simple chores, pick up groceries, or drive to a doctor's appointment are lifesavers.

3. We’re afraid. The future is overwhelming and at times feels hopeless. We don't know if a new treatment will make any difference. We don't know if you (or our doctor) will believe us, especially when so many tests come back just "fine". We don't know whether our current state is lifelong, so we probably battle a lot of forms of fear.

4. We don’t know how to explain our symptoms. Most of our symptoms are invisible to the outside world, so it takes a lot of effort to communicate them. It's sweet and caring when you ask how we're feeling in a given hour or day. But sometimes it's overwhelming to answer because we can't verbalize how bad we really feel. Or sometimes we sugar-coat answers because we don't want to complain or make you feel sorry for us.

5. We don’t want to be sick. We aren’t making this up to get out of something or because we're lazy. On the contrary, a majority of chronic illness sufferers get to that chronic place because they’ve pushed and worked super hard to act normal for so long. It can also cause us to feel guilty we can’t provide for ourselves or contribute anything of value.

6. Plans stress us out. Not because we don't desperately want to do something with you, but because our symptoms come and go as they please. We can't predict how we'll feel on a given day and be able to push through, or whether we'll get nailed with a flare. So don't pressure us to do things; allow us to come and go, to choose activities, parties, or hang out with you when we can.

7. We can push through anything, but that doesn't mean it's wise. The chronically ill are amazing at pushing through commitments or doing things even when in a lot of pain. But that could mean they face repercussions for the next week with a magnified flare of symptoms. We have to use wisdom and pace ourselves so we don't worsen our symptoms unnecessarily or lengthen our healing process even more. It's a constant weighing of factors, which can lead to the next point...

8. We overthink. This is a common response when you're exhausted: to misinterpret people, overthink their responses or yours, to get frustrated or emotional about the tiniest of things. We overthink whether we should push and do something or whether that's a really unwise idea. We need gentle, patient friends who can help us discern things we overthink and can't interpret well.

9. We don’t know how to process emotions. Grief, anger, doubt, despair, and the countless emotions that come with the territory of chronic illness are paralyzing. Sometimes they make no logical sense or simply result from ongoing insomnia, pain, and fatigue. Be a gentle comforter and encourager to us when we are overwhelmed with emotions.

10. Our experiences are unique. Though many generalized symptoms hit those with chronic illness, particular symptoms and the way they affect us will vary, as will the struggles and temptations that come. Ask questions before making assumptions about us and how we're doing.

11. We lose hope. Hope is hard to hold onto in any form of ongoing suffering. We may even get to the point that we want to die. It’s hard to admit that. Don’t guilt-trip us for losing hope, direct us to the only place where lasting hope is found—in Jesus Christ.

12. We need prayer. The journey is long and hard. Even for those who are healing, it's full of ups and downs. Please be patient and pray for us—to persevere when we want to give up and to cling to Jesus when life is hard or hopeless.

This is not a comprehensive list, but I hope it provides some insight into what your chronically ill friend may be facing and how you can better serve them.

The Cost of Unforgiveness (pt 2)

Life certainly has a way of teaching you that forgiveness is a lot more difficult than the childhood struggle of forgiving a sibling who hit you or a friend who wouldn't play with you. Relationships are complicated and often hard. Forgiveness is costly.

I’ve experienced my share of hurt, conflict, and broken relationships, much of which has occurred in the church (see previous post). I've lost close friendships. With other friends, I’ve had to work through deep hurt.

But there's one thing I've learned:

While there is great cost in forgiveness, there is a greater cost for unforgiveness.

This does not mean that forgiveness is easy in any way, shape, or form! It’s inevitable that you will be hurt by other sinners (and you will sin against them too, by the way). It’s part of living in a broken world cursed by sin. It also doesn't mean that forgiveness is a one-time deal or that the feelings or struggles go away. But Scripture warns us:

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matthew 6:14-15

This is terrifying when you ponder its implications. I don't want God to withhold forgiveness from me! God is a gracious Father, and He never commands us to do something that He hasn't given us the power to do. So what would God have us learn from conflict and forgiveness?

The Opportunity of Conflict
If we really understand the depth to which we have been forgiven by God, we will want to forgive others. That doesn't make forgiveness easy, but it does provide the motivation to forgive.

Here's what we miss out on when we refuse to forgive:

“When we reject the opportunity to forgive or ask for forgiveness, the relationship suffers. When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves further down the road to maturity.” Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, Paul Tripp and Timothy Lane

This is an incredible picture. For a long time, I was convinced that conflict = a bad relationship. I thought it was better to have no conflict than to have resolved conflict. Because of this, I carefully avoided conflict. It wasn't really peacemaking though, but a fake kind of peace-facade, where I didn't really deal with issues. I never imagined that biblically resolved conflict could lead to a deeper relationship.

I'm not saying I've suddenly had all these wonderful relationships because I faced conflict head-on. I've had to grapple with this truth in light of ongoing, unresolved conflict I have no power to fix. On the other hand, I have experienced the beauty of deeper relationships because of conflict handled biblically. And I have learned that forgiveness is more for my own heart and relationship with God than it is just to smooth things over or have a "good relationship".

Embracing the Cost
While we know there is cost in refusing to forgive, as well as opportunity in conflict, how do we embrace the cost of forgiveness? Two things that help propel us forward:

1. Look to Jesus. Remember, the price you pay in forgiveness is never as great as what God sacrificed to forgive you (Rom. 5:6-9). When you see the depth of your own sin and the extent to which you've been forgiven, it spurs you on to forgive others (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is not negating justice, but leaving justice to the hands of God (Rom. 12:19).*

2. Choose to love. Usually when we're hurt, the last thing we want to do is show love to someone. I know it is for me! But isn't this what Jesus calls me to do? Choosing to demonstrate love is a way to help bring healing to our hearts (Rom. 12:20-21, Luke 6:27-36).

If you have been sinned against, forgiveness is a high and difficult command. Each situation is unique and there's no way to comprehensively address all that should be done in your situation. But I know this is true: choosing to forgive bears incredible fruit for your own life. 

The next time you experience conflict, weigh the cost of forgiveness and the cost of unforgiveness. Then let the Scriptures guide you into deeper, more mature relationships with others, as you seek to live in light of the forgiveness that God has graciously bestowed on you.

*This is not to imply that you ignore or overlook situations involving abuse or illegal activity. Each situation is unique and requires much wisdom, including reporting things to the proper authorities when necessary. 

The Cost of Forgiveness (pt 1)

I grew up as a pastor's kid, mostly church planting, which moved us around a lot. In the course of 15 years, I lived in eight different cities across six different states. Some of the moves were due to unexpected church conflict, resulting in leaving churches we loved and poured into. We've experienced some extremely ugly church situations that caused significant heartache, grief, and pain.

So I have firsthand experience of the difficulties of church ministry and the costliness of forgiveness.

Unfortunately, those ugly situations aren't unique to my family. Churches don't have the best statistics for keeping their pastors (almost 80% of pastors have had forced resignation, usually due to church conflict). Sadly, statistics for pastors staying in the ministry are also very low; most don't make it five years. Depression stats for pastors and pastors' kids are high. Gossip, slander, and betrayal by church members are all too common.

The church, which is supposed to be a beautiful reflection of Christ, is often filled with just as much conflict and brokenness as the world. Shocking, right?

Why is this? I believe there are three reasons:

1. The Church is Full of Sinners
Redeemed though we are, we are sinners. We sin against one another all the time, whether we mean to or not. Sometimes we expect that the church will be full of beautiful, caring community and deep relationships—and no conflict. While biblical community should characterize us, we will inevitably experience conflict. The question is not whether or not we have conflict, but how we handle it that demonstrates if we represent Christ well.

2. Forgiveness Requires Great Sacrifice
I believe one reason for rampant church conflict is that forgiveness is costly. It is hard to forgive that person who keeps sinning against you, especially when they're a fellow believer. But even God's forgiveness towards us had a great cost. Tim Keller explains:

“...God's grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver.... From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can "just forgive" the perpetrator.... when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the debt. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then, is costly.” 

Forgiveness is daunting and painful because we absorb the cost. Naturally, we want the person who hurt us to suffer for what they've done, especially when it is unjust. Forgiveness involves bearing the cost of someone's sin against you. And that requires the supernatural work of the Spirit in your heart.

3. Conflict Resolution Involves Formidable Effort
Sometimes it's easier to ignore the problem or let the relationship fizzle off, versus working through the difficulty and pain of resolving it. You will find people in the same church that refuse to speak to one another because of bitterness and unresolved conflict. Surprising? It just goes to show that biblical conflict resolution is often much harder than holding onto that bitterness.

Hope for this Difficult Task
Forgiveness may be one of the most difficult and costly things you are called to do. Working through conflict, misunderstandings, and hurt with fellow believers will require humility and sacrifice. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.

No matter how monumental the cost of forgiveness may seem, we know that it is not as costly as God's forgiveness towards us (1 Pet. 2:24). This is where we find great hope! The forgiveness we've encountered through the gospel propels us to forgive others (Col. 3:13). It enables us to pursue peace without putting the pressure for another person's response on what we do, because God alone changes hearts (Rom. 12:18). Even in those difficult situations where reconciliation does not occur, we can trust that justice is in God's hands (Rom. 12:19).

May the gospel motivate us to embrace the cost of forgiveness.

(Stay tuned for part 2!)

When We Just Can't Get Along: Personality Clashes and the Gospel

I have a secret: I love Myers-Briggs personality typing. Actually, it’s not much of a secret if you know me well. Figuring out others’ personalities for the sake of more effectively understanding and communicating with them is an odd hobby of mine. Sometimes I get teased about my so-called "obsession" with it.

Intriguing information floods from personality studies. You can find the best career path for your type, what motivates you, how you handle conflict, your typical responses, what energizes you and what stresses you out. You can even learn what other personalities you get along with best.

I think it can be very helpful, and I appreciate the information from MBTI and other studies. But the truth is that it’s not always right. Yes, there's a lot of good to glean from personality studies. However, there’s something that far outweighs personality compatibility, and that is the gospel. You see:

The gospel destroys all barriers.

We often think of the gospel destroying the barriers of race or class. The power to love brothers and sisters who are not like us culturally or ethnically has been provided through the gospel. But did you realize the same goes for personality? Through the gospel, we are supernaturally enabled to love all people—even those with whom we clash personality-wise.

You know what that means? There’s no excuse for failing to love that demanding boss, the messy roommate, the annoying sibling, that person at church I just don’t “click with,” that co-worker or fellow student who always rubs me the wrong way. For if we simply love those who are similar to us, what value does that have? (Mt. 5:46)

Granted, some people are harder to love than others. We will struggle to understand some people. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible or that we have an excuse to give up on them. Rather it is because of the gospel that we can love all people, no matter how different they are from us.

A few of the personalities that I supposedly clash with are actually my closest friends. Yes, it takes hard work. My sister and I are total opposites in many ways (INFP and ESFJ for those who are really curious). Yet those differences are good, and we have learned so much from each other over the years that would not be possible if we were just alike. It’s humbling to set aside my own preferences and learn to love those who are different from me, but it is so rewarding.

I believe Myers-Briggs can be very beneficial, especially when it comes to understanding others, recognizing their strengths, and communicating well with them. But we can also use differences to excuse why we can't talk to someone or why we always argue with that one acquaintance or co-worker. So the next time you find yourself complaining about the personality problems with someone or think you could never get along with a "that person," remember this:

God lavished His love you, so you now have the ability to love others–even those who irk you.

The barriers erected by personality differences have been demolished by the gospel. Perhaps, instead of allowing differences to separate you, you need to humbly love and pursue that person that is difficult. After all, a friendship with someone who is not just like you more clearly magnifies the beauty of the gospel.

And isn't that what we want our lives to shine forth?

Encouragement Where You Least Expect It

Encouragement can come from the most unlikely places.

I served in a one-year internship with Vision of Hope, a residential facility for women seeking biblical help from life-dominating sins. I was there to serve and encourage the women seeking help. But in turn, those women encouraged and challenged me in my walk with God in so many ways they never even realized.

• Because as they struggled with sin, I remembered how deeply rooted my struggle was with sin, and how it was not easily overcome.
• As I watched them learn how to deal with the hard situations in life and not run from them, I was challenged to continue persevering in my difficult circumstances.
• As I spoke truth to the women when they were struggling, it was I who needed to hear those exact same truths.
• As God redeemed and healed their broken pasts and sin, God was in the process of doing the same with me.

You see, as long as we’re on earth, we never “make it” to perfection. We never stop battling sin. Things never get easy on the spiritual war front.

But that’s where the body of Christ comes in. As we strive together, we can encourage, exhort, and challenge one another. Just as Hebrews tells us to do.

“But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called 'today,' that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” Hebrews 3:13

Sin is deceitful and our own hearts are too (Jer. 17:9). We need brothers and sisters around us who will help point out sin in our lives, who will challenge us when we are going astray, who will exhort and encourage us to persevere when it is hard.

But sometimes that encouragement and exhortation can come from the most unlikely places. Don’t look down on others who may be in a different place than you spiritually. God can use them to impact you in more ways than you know.

So to the women who are working hard to fight their sin and complete the program at Vision of Hope (or who have finished!), I admire you. Your faithfulness has encouraged me significantly, and I am grateful for how God is transforming and using each of you.

Messy Relationships

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last 10 years, it’s that relationships are messy. That’s probably an obvious statement to you. But yes, as a young teen I did have a skewed view of relationships and conflict, despite much solid teaching. I somehow thought that if/when I got married I wouldn’t have conflict because I was a peacemaker and I hated conflict. I could have a good, happy relationship.

I know. I was pretty naïve and did not understand the depths of my own heart issues and struggles. But over the last several years, God has opened my eyes to that reality. He has used relationships—including many broken ones that I had no power to fix—to show me the sinfulness of my heart, teach me it really looks like to love and forgive, and as a result, experience the joy of entering “messiness.”

Life and ministry have taught me that pouring into others often comes at great personal cost: the road of self-denial. It involves being vulnerable and risking being hurt or rejected. Subsequently, there’s a often much pain that comes from loving, knowing, and caring for people.

It has not been an easy journey. I see my own tendencies towards self-pity, bitterness, and self-protection. It can be difficult for me to trust people‘s intentions or to believe they’re sincere. Yet so often, I’m just looking to protect myself from getting hurt.

But Jesus didn’t do that.

He stepped into my messiness and brokenness to free me from my sin at great personal cost. It wasn’t pretty. When He walked on earth, He faced rejection from even His own people (Jn. 1:11). He was misunderstood (Jn. 9:13-16). His acts of love were viewed as contempt (Mt. 12:24). He experienced separation from the Father and the wrath of the Almighty God for my sin (Mt. 27:46, 2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 3:25).

Even though I had no reason for Jesus to love me, He hasn’t given up on me. It is only when I look to Him, when I see His perfect love demonstrated for me at the cross, am I free to love others without fear (1 Jn. 4:19). It doesn’t mean the struggles with sin disappear, but I can battle with hope.

The gospel gives us hope as we enter a new relationship. As we pour into a younger believer. As we allow ourselves to be known by others. Yes, there is tremendous risk in relationships. But the only way to avoid that risk is to withdraw from people completely. As C.S. Lewis wisely articulated:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

We can try to protect ourselves from the messiness and brokenness of relationships. But in that, we will also become hardened and cold and won't be able to love. I hate the possibility of brokenness. But we can’t experience love without risking that. And if Jesus did that for me, how could I not do the same?

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Ministry is a beautiful, wonderful gift from God. But it is often met with much disappointment, hurt, and heartache. Growing up in a pastor’s family, I had countless opportunities for church and life ministry. It produced a lot of joy. But I also realized that the hardest ministry is often the ministry right in front of you.

It’s the choice to love someone who's hurt you deeply over and over.
It’s sharing the gospel with the neighbor who still hasn’t responded.
It’s using your time to serve others rather than pursue selfish gain or pleasure.
It’s gently speaking truth to someone caught in sin.
It’s sacrificing for your family when you don’t feel like it.
It’s serving your church in an unnoticed role.
It’s reaching out to someone who has rejected you. 
It’s honoring and obeying your parents when they aren’t “worthy” of honor.
It’s loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
It’s looking for ways to encourage the younger Christian who annoys you.
It’s secret giving that blesses others.
It’s forgiving someone when you want to hang on to bitterness.

As much as we would like to think ministry is a walk in the park, the truth is, ministry is hard. People misunderstand you, hurt you, and reject you. That friend you counsel may suddenly ignore your advice and refuse to speak to you. The family member you’ve been working hard to reach out to may never respond. The way you serve in your local church may be met with more criticism than appreciation.

How can you continue to love and minister to others when this happens? It’s much more tempting to become cynical of all ministry and people. One thing I’ve learned is that persevering, sacrificial ministry can’t happen when your hope is in people. Most of my disappointment in ministry has been due to how others have treated me. The people you invest in may turn on you. Someone you care about may sin grievously against you. The people you trusted may prove to be untrustworthy. When people hurt you, the natural temptation is to give up on them out of self-protection.

So when the disappointments of ministry hit, you must put your hope in God. He is the only true Refuge when the brokenness of our world and the sinfulness of our hearts and other people’s swallow us. He has loved you with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3). He pursued you when you hated and rejected Him. He never fails you or gives up on you (Deut. 32:4, 2 Tim. 2:13).

God’s love for us demonstrated in the gospel gives us the motivation to love and minister to others unconditionally. When the reality of life-on-life ministry hits us square in the face and makes us want to live in an isolated cabin for the rest of our lives, we must run back to the cross. That is the only way we can love without growing weary (Heb. 12:3).

So the next time a friend rejects you or you have to forgive someone again, remember that Jesus faced the ultimate rejection and suffering for your sake. Ask God to give you the grace to continue to love and serve those around you, no matter how they respond. Ask God to help you put your hope in Him.

This is where the rubber meets the road in ministry, and while it is never an easy road, it is one that can be met with much joy.

 “If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.” 
John Piper, Don’t Waste Your Life