Looking Back... (health update!)

I have walked through some very dark nights in my battle with Lyme disease + several co-infections, a developing autoimmune disease, chronic gut infections, mold toxicity, and detox issues. It's been a long journey, including 5 years of ongoing diet, supplement, and medication adjustments, and 2.5 years of rigorous Lyme/co-infection treatment.

Over two years ago I wrote my first post on my chronic illness journey. Looking back now, I'm remembering what I've been through and grateful for where God has brought me, even if it's not complete healing.

Because over the last several years, there have been many restless nights where I was incredibly exhausted, yet couldn’t sleep.

I have experienced stomach pain so severe, I curled up in a ball moaning, feeling like I might die.

I have faced extreme pain and fatigue to the extent I couldn’t even get words out.

I have had fatigue and brain fog so bad I couldn't do anything but stare into space.

I experienced what it was like for doctors to not really believe me or think that I just needed anti-depressants.

I have battled extreme hopelessness, thinking my life had no value and would never improve, to the point that I desperately wanted to take my own life.

I have angrily cried out at God, blaming Him for how He treated me and questioning His goodness and care.

I have battled paralyzing fear.

Honestly, many of these emotions and struggles resurfaced when I started IV treatments in November that significantly increased my pain and fatigue (for a solid 2 months straight). Eighteen IVs later, I'm finally feeling hopeful again about the gradual improvement I've seen.

Yes, I still have pain and inflammation daily (autoimmune repercussions that will linger), but much less severely. I still have to stop and rest or take breaks, but I can get through most days without having to lay down. I still have to pace myself, but I can do things again. May sound small, but this is such a huge, encouraging improvement!

Remembering where I've come and how God has been faithful keeps me moving forward right now. Because I'm still not where I wish I could be. But I'm also not where I was.

For those of you still deep in the darkness of night, wondering how you’ll ever make it through—I don't want to discourage you or minimize your pain. I also don't mean to cast a false idea that my life is wonderful (it's not). But may I encourage you today? Your circumstances may be hard, but hope comes as we remember...

Remember God’s faithfulness (Deut. 7:9, Ps. 40:11).
Remember God’s loving care to you right now (Ps. 56:8, 1 Pet. 5:7).
Remember that joy will come again (Ps. 30:5).
Remember that this will end (2 Cor. 4:16-18).
Remember the gospel—hope bigger than your circumstances (1 Pet. 1:3-9).

This is the hope I'm breathing when life tells me all is hopeless. Will you join me in remembering and resting in the faithfulness of God?

When the Holidays Are Hard

The holiday season is supposed to be "merry and bright," full of excitement and wonder...
but do you feel the exact opposite?

Does it seem like you have nothing to be thankful for or excited about this year? Nothing to look forward to? That everything’s been taken away and God is more against you than for you?

Many people experience deep sadness, depression, resurfacing bad memories, or even night terrors around the holidays. While there is a lot of hype and excitement about this season, it can discourage those who are hurting even more, as it’s another reminder of what has been lost.

If you’ve lost your health due to chronic illness, are facing relational conflict, grieving a loss, or despairing about Christmas because of the difficulty of life, let me encourage you with a few reminders:

1. It’s ok if the holidays are hard. Holidays can be a very difficult time for so many reasons. It's part of life in a broken, sin-cursed world. Instead of feeling guilty and despairing that it’s so hard, continually ask God to give you grace for each day. He will provide.

2. It’s good to cry out in the pain. It's natural to hate the pain you're facing, whether that's physical or emotional. It's normal to struggle. And it's good to grieve the pain and the losses. As you cry out in the pain, let it push you to God and not away from Him. He is a great Comforter.

3. Excitement and joy are not the end goal. If you are struggling to make it though the holidays, you don't have to hype yourself up or force joy. Yet even when it's really hard, it's helpful to focus on what you do have instead of what you've lost. This helps direct your heart and mind to what is true and give you a sense of gratitude in the difficulty. Ask God to help you see how you can honor Him through the pain. And talk to a friend or family member who can help you see past the fog.

4. Be thankful for the little things. Was your pain more endurable today? Did someone unexpectedly send you a text or a gift? Did a doctor's appointment reveal something you were unaware of? Did you have a warm drink today or a delicious meal? Did you see a clear evidence of God's grace and kindness towards you? Instead of being consumed by the losses, thank God for those small blessings.

5. Remember the greatest truth—Immanuel is “God with us”. The beauty of the Christmas season is not in the memories, the traditions, the people, or the gifts (although those are good things). The most comforting truth is that God came to dwell with us, sinful men and women, to bring hope and redemption. Jesus entered our brokenness to bring us freedom from sin. He, Immanuel, has not left you alone, but walks with you today.

As you struggle through the pain associated with the winter holidays, may you also find comfort in the God and Father who dwells with us, amidst the pain and the messiness. May that truth bring hope and comfort to our weary hearts.

Take Me Back to the Good Ol' Days

“Wish we could turn back time to the good old days…” Twenty One Pilots

All of us have natural tendencies to be past, present, or future oriented. None of these ways of looking at the world are wrong in and of themselves. In fact, unique perspectives provide different strengths and insights into life. Diversity is a beautiful thing.

Over the last few years of chronic illness and difficulties, I’ve identified a strong tendency to be past-oriented. I look back five or more years ago and remember how great life was—how much I enjoyed work, people, and life. I remember how passionate and eager I was to impact the world.

Those were the “good ol’ days”.

There is wisdom in remembering the past. God often warned Israel that their complaining and unfaithfulness was due to forgetting. But interestingly, the Israelites were actually looking back and remembering something. Yet not in the way God intended:

“And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness, and the people of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Exodus 16:2-3

Israel looked back on their slavery, and all they could see was that they had plenty of food. They looked back on their bondage with a type of nostalgia that it was better than their current circumstances. Instead of seeing God's faithfulness in delivering them, they could only focus on their perceived losses.

I'm far too like the Israelites than I'd care to admit. In my efforts to look back and remember something happy, I’m not always considering God’s faithfulness, but rather using it as an excuse to gripe about my current circumstances (this isn’t fair) or bemoan in self-pity (why me?).

“And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp.” Numbers 11:1

God’s anger burned against Israel in their complaining and caused some of them to die! That’s pretty strong. But they still didn't relent...

“And the people of Israel also wept again and said, “Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at.” Numbers 11:4b-6

If you battle chronic illness, you know how tempting it is to look back on how life was before and to long for that again. Wanting to be healthy or involved in normal life is not wrong. Grieving the loss is ok. Maintaining hope for healing is crucial. But if looking back to how life was before sickness leads you to complain and get angry with God, that is not the kind of remembering God intends. It is sin.

I struggle with this too. Life is not how I would like it, and it’s easy for me to get stuck seeing all the negative. If you've been there, the gospel gives us hope if we confess our sin of complaining. We don't have to face the the anger of the Lord because Jesus bore His wrath on our behalf. But God didn't save us to let us remain in our sin. He graciously brings conviction that we might turn away from it and turn to Him, finding freedom and hope.

As we look to the past, let's be careful that we are remembering God’s faithfulness and goodness, leading to gratitude, and not complaining about our losses.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds." Psalm 77:11-12