Hoping Against Hope in Chronic Illness

Hope is hard to hold onto when you battle chronic illness. Studies show that it takes an average of 3-5 years to get an accurate diagnosis, usually seeing 5 different doctors (and many people see a lot more!).

This means that there’s a whole lot of waiting in chronic illness, and subsequently, much disappointment and heartache. I know I’ve had many doctor appointments where I’ve just cried afterwards because I was so overwhelmed, discouraged, and exhausted. There have been numerous days where I doubted I would ever get a root diagnosis. Countless days where I’ve completely lost hope of healing. And to be completely honest, there have been many days where I wanted to give up on life itself.

The life of Abraham both challenges and encourages me in this journey towards healing. Romans 4:18-21 summarizes:

“In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, “So shall your offspring be.” He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”

Did you catch that? “In hope he believed against hope…” (v. 18)

What an incredible phrase. Abraham was old—so from a physical perspective, it was impossible for him to have any children. But he believed God would fulfill His promise. Abraham grounded his hope in a faithful God. He hoped against hope.

God hasn’t clearly promised that He would heal you or me. So our circumstances are a little different. But we too must learn what it means to hope against hope when the storms of life suffocate us.

It’s not uncommon to despair when a new treatment or medication doesn’t seem to work at all. Over the last few years, I’ve continually tried various treatments, medications, diet regimens, detox protocols, and more. I’ve had more blood drawn and tests run than I would’ve ever expected in my life. Sometimes it appears nothing makes a difference, and I despair I will never improve.

And that’s where I must learn to hope, like Abraham, against what seems likely or realistic. I have to trust that God is working and not lose hope of healing. Because if I lose hope, I will no longer fight. No longer take the necessary steps to help heal my infections. Everything will seem in vain, and I will lose sight of why I'm going through all this work and and expense.

Does this mean I should believe God will guarantee me complete healing? Not necessarily. While it would be a tremendous answer to prayer, God does not “owe me” healing; hard as that is to admit. I'd like to think I deserve to be healthy and have a normal life. Sometimes God’s work of grace comes through healing, but not always. Because of this, I believe one of the great challenges in fighting chronic illness is to remain hopeful of healing, without putting your hope in healing.

Does that make sense?

Don’t lose hope of healing for your chronic illness. Keep searching for answers. Continue to try different methods that could help, even though it takes so long to discern if it makes any impact. Look for different doctors who could give input into your condition. Yet at the same time, learn to trust that even if that takes years or you never get back to “normal” — God is still good. He is worthy of your trust and hope.

Hope in Him, despite persisting, seemingly hopeless circumstances. Fight to remain hopeful and pursue healing, but learn to hope in something greater than physical healing. Hope that isn't circumstantial, but a person: a Savior who took on the greatest pain so you might be healed from the separation your sin brought. That is the greatest healing, the most glorious hope, the magnificent reality we can set our eyes towards today.

Hoping against hope is a process, and one I'm still learning. So don't lose heart if you are struggling to remain hopeful. Keep taking your pain and your struggles to the Heavenly Father. Ask Him to help you hope in Him. He loves you more than you know.

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 23

Psalm 23 is one of those familiar Psalms that is frequently quoted in times of death or great sorrow. It’s so familiar to many of us that it’s easy to skip over the truth or miss what God is saying to us. There is so much comfort and hope found in Psalm 23, that I want to take a moment to delve deeper into this passage.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me." (v. 1-4)

What does this Psalm teach us about God?

He is our Good Shepherd (v. 1). He leads us wisely and faithfully, gently and lovingly. He knows what is best for us, and all His ways are right and good.

He is our Restorer (v. 3). We need this so often because we get bogged down with life, and we need His restoration.

He leads us in ways for His name’s sake (v. 3). God always is bringing glory to Himself. It’s about His Name being spread, His power being manifested in your life. Even when everything seems to be a mess and nothing makes sense, we can trust that He is leading us and what is happening is for our good.

He is our Comforter (v. 4). God often uses the valleys of life to reveal areas in our hearts that need to be refined, wrong motives that need to be confessed, idols that need to be destroyed. Yet in the midst of those valleys, He comforts us. Isn’t this an amazing God?

In light of those truths about God, what should our response be?

If He is our Good Shepherd, we should trust Him wholeheartedly. If He was an unreliable Shepherd we’d have reason to doubt, but God never fails and everything He does is perfect and right.

If He is our Restorer, we should find Him to be our source of joy. Our treasure, our life, our all. He is the only One who can meet the deepest needs of our hearts. Even when we are empty and dry, He can restore our souls.

If He leads us for His name’s sake, we should follow Him, no matter the cost. If He did things for our sake, then it would be a small, short-lived glory. But we’re following a King that is worthy of all our devotion and obedience! Because it’s for His sake, we can obey Him when He commands us to love unconditionally. To serve joyfully. To give sacrificially. To fight sin. To pursue unity. To embrace accountability. To be vulnerable and open. To deny ourselves and live selflessly. To spread the gospel. To give up our earthly lives.

If He is our Comforter, then we can comfort others. What we’ve been freely given, we can then give in return. God works in our lives, not so we can keep it to ourselves, but because He intends for it to be spread, through the body of Christ in the local church, and through the globe, as believers passionate about God’s glory spread His name and share what He has done in their lives. His comfort is given to us that we can in turn comfort others in Christ (2 Cor. 1:4).

May these truths found in Psalm 23 encourage and comfort our hearts today.

Originally posted on the Vision of Hope blog.

Faith When I Cannot See

Some nights I'm restless. Because when you have multiple chronic infections, that can happen. Difficult nights make the next day harder. If you've battled chronic illness, or any extended period of sleeping trouble, you know what I mean.

Those days are challenging because you're exhausted and emotional, and your fatigue and stamina are significantly reduced, even more than normal. At that point, usually a successful day for me equals taking a shower and eating food. Oh yeah, and taking all my supplements. Not exactly my ideal.

It is in those moments when exhaustion, pain, and fatigue overtake me, that I am most prone to discouragement and despair. It is incredibly hard to hold onto hope. Hard to trust that right now, what God is doing is good. That He is not wasting this season.

You see, my faith is most deeply tested when I cannot see beyond the step in front of me.

Peter understood this. When he saw Jesus walking on water, Peter wanted to be sure it was Him by asking Jesus to call him forth (Mt. 14:28). I have to wonder what Peter was thinking. You see your Teacher walking on water in a storm, and you think, "I want to join him! Tell me to come out there too!" I would be terrified. But Peter ventured out, walking on the water to meet Jesus. Pretty incredible, right? That is, until Peter realized what he was doing. "when he saw the wind, he was afraid..." (v. 30).

We tend to internally judge Peter, "Jesus was right there with you! What was your problem?" But doesn't the same thing happen to us? Jesus is with us, but as soon as we see the storm, we lose heart. We doubt that God is good. We question His methods. We wonder if Christianity is real.

That's because the hard days test our faith. Extended suffering tests our faith. When things are going my way, I may believe my faith is solid, but really, I'm just trusting in myself: my plans, my accomplishments, my success. It's not til I cannot see what's ahead, and the storm is raging around me, that I see how firm my faith truly is.

But do you know what gives me the most hope? My faith is not dependent on me. Tim Keller explains, "It is not the strength of your faith but the object of your faith that actually saves you." Christ saves you, not your faith.

And the same goes for the faith to persevere through suffering. While I am called to trust my Father, He is the one who gives me the faith to believe! I resonate with the father of the demon-possessed boy who told Jesus, "I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mk 9:24)

The same Savior who justified you is working deeper faith in your heart through your suffering today.

So let Him do His work. It is painful at times, but it produces beautiful fruit.

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 73

Psalm 73 is one of the most marked-up passages in my Bible. That’s partly due to a teaching I heard, and partly because it resonates so much with the season I’ve been in the last few years. There’s much comfort to be found from Psalm 73.

It's interesting to me that it appears Asaph had health issues. When he compares to the wicked, he says “their bodies are fat and sleek (v. 4, ESV).” NLT’s description is “healthy and strong”. It isn’t surprising that he is envious, because when you’re in the grips of darkness and suffering, it's so tempting to compare to those who appear better off. In this situation, Asaph sees the wicked prospering, and believes his attempts at following God are in vain (vs. 4-13).

Have you been there? I know I have.

What rescues Asaph from his struggle? It’s not a change in circumstances, but a change of perspective resulting from worship. Isn't that always what gives us hope? Looking to Christ instead of fixing our gaze on the storm around us brings hope in the darkness. Asaph saw that the temporary pleasure and ease of the wicked would not last (vs. 17-19). And he recognized that that his envy of their prosperity caused anger and bitterness to well up in his heart towards God (v. 21-22).

Asaph then turns his lament to God and preaches the truth to himself:

“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

This Psalm ends not with things becoming happy and easy, but rather with Asaph recognizing that there is nothing he wants more than God (v. 25).

My question for myself is, “Do I want God more than anything else?” It’s hard to answer sometimes, because I get so discouraged with the never-ending cycle of chronic health problems. Sometimes I'd rather have healing. Or comfort. Or a lot of other temporary things.

Are you battling some form of ongoing health problems? Then you're keenly aware of that reality of your flesh failing. Are you discouraged with your battle against the sin in your heart? Then you know how often your heart fails you. So where do you find hope and comfort? In God, your strength and portion. Asaph’s reminds us of this in verse 26:

God wants to deepen my hope in Him and strengthen my trust in Him. He wants to show Himself mighty in my weakness. And so that very trial that I despise may be the form of grace He is using to lead me to worship and rely on Him more fully. So let's not turn away from Him in anger and bitterness at our lot in life, comparing to those we think have it better. Instead, let's turn to God and say, with the Psalmist, "But for me, it is good to be near You."

I’d Rather Have You

When I was younger, I had plans for what my twenties would look like. Most of those dreams involved marriage, a family, and/or full-time ministry, whether here or in another country. I loved people and was passionate about seeing lasting change in the hearts and lives of others. As I reached my early twenties, I began to think that I would enjoy being in some form of full-time ministry for a while as a single.

On with my plans and goals!

That is, until life came to an abrupt halt. Following a very difficult and stressful season, and a sudden out-of-state move, I found myself on my bed for most of the day. I didn’t know what was wrong, other than the fact that I was debilitatingly exhausted and in pain all the time. I had other symptoms for a while too, but I blew them off. Little did I know that was only the beginning. (To read the story, see my chronic illness journey)

My life still looks drastically different than I ever imagined. In fact, I would have laughed at you if you told me my 60s would look like how my life is right now. I’ve never been one to slow down. I’ve always been active in ministry, work, and serving others.

However, for this season, God has me home almost all the time, resting and treating infections. Frequently I question what God is up to. It’s tempting for me to see this season as a complete waste. I wrestle with not being able to use my gifts and passions or do the things I love.

I wanted life differently.

Despite the difficulties and wrestlings, there’s something I’m learning in this process. And that is what Paul said:

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” (Ph. 3:7-8)

You see, even though most of my time was spent serving and caring for people before, it was easy for me to put my hope there. To see my accomplishments as my personal gain. To think of what I was doing as “my work”. To look to my productivity or others’ approval as the ultimate source of value.

But nothing is better than knowing Christ. That "gain" I had before is nothing. Sometimes God strips things away to show us where our false hope lies, and to redirect us to where true hope is found. When that happens, we can say:

“I'd rather have You, and nothing I desire
Could ever come close to what I have in You.
The treasure that I choose
Is treasure that lasts, because I'd rather have You.”
- I'd Rather Have You

Christ is the ultimate treasure! And if my illness helps me to know and love and treasure Christ more fully, then it is not a waste. It is a blessing.

Tears fill my eyes as I write, because I would never ask for this life, and I would never wish it on anyone. I'm in a season where God is stripping away a lot. Dear reader, if you too are facing something unbearable today, and it makes absolutely no sense what God is doing, there is still hope. Learn to trust the Father through your tears and pain. Know that His pruning is for your benefit and will produce joy (Jn. 15:11). It is a good thing, even though it's excruciatingly painful now.

My prayer is, like the song above, “I’d rather have You God.” I want to desire God more than healing. More than restored relationships. More than a successful job or ministry. More than happiness or comfort. More than life itself.

You and I need God’s grace to get there. Cry out to Him, asking Him to work in your heart through your pain today, so you can find Him more fulfilling than anything else you have ever had.

He will delight to answer that prayer.