Faith When I Cannot See

Some nights I'm restless. Because when you have multiple chronic infections, that can happen. Difficult nights make the next day harder. If you've battled chronic illness, or any extended period of sleeping trouble, you know what I mean.

Those days are challenging because you're exhausted and emotional, and your fatigue and stamina are significantly reduced, even more than normal. At that point, usually a successful day for me equals taking a shower and eating food. Oh yeah, and taking all my supplements. Not exactly my ideal.

It is in those moments when exhaustion, pain, and fatigue overtake me, that I am most prone to discouragement and despair. It is incredibly hard to hold onto hope. Hard to trust that right now, what God is doing is good. That He is not wasting this season.

You see, my faith is most deeply tested when I cannot see beyond the step in front of me.

Peter understood this. When he saw Jesus walking on water, Peter wanted to be sure it was Him by asking Jesus to call him forth (Mt. 14:28). I have to wonder what Peter was thinking. You see your Teacher walking on water in a storm, and you think, "I want to join him! Tell me to come out there too!" I would be terrified. But Peter ventured out, walking on the water to meet Jesus. Pretty incredible, right? That is, until Peter realized what he was doing. "when he saw the wind, he was afraid..." (v. 30).

We tend to internally judge Peter, "Jesus was right there with you! What was your problem?" But doesn't the same thing happen to us? Jesus is with us, but as soon as we see the storm, we lose heart. We doubt that God is good. We question His methods. We wonder if Christianity is real.

That's because the hard days test our faith. Extended suffering tests our faith. When things are going my way, I may believe my faith is solid, but really, I'm just trusting in myself: my plans, my accomplishments, my success. It's not til I cannot see what's ahead, and the storm is raging around me, that I see how firm my faith truly is.

But do you know what gives me the most hope? My faith is not dependent on me. Tim Keller explains, "It is not the strength of your faith but the object of your faith that actually saves you." Christ saves you, not your faith.

And the same goes for the faith to persevere through suffering. While I am called to trust my Father, He is the one who gives me the faith to believe! I resonate with the father of the demon-possessed boy who told Jesus, "I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mk 9:24)

The same Savior who justified you is working deeper faith in your heart through your suffering today.

So let Him do His work. It is painful at times, but it produces beautiful fruit.