Life is Hard: Facing the Tough Things with Hope

When I was young, I was scared of suffering and persecution. I wondered if I could stay faithful to Christ under torture. I wanted to follow God, but I questioned if I could endure physical pain, isolation, or rejection, should that come my way.

I loved my home, my family, my comfort, and my community, and I didn't want to lose it.

But in a heartbeat, everything changed. The community I was deeply invested in and trusted, turned on me and my family. Betrayal stung deeper than physical pain. Grief clung like a shadow, reminding me every time I looked at it, of deep loss.

Yet it didn't end. Then came chronic illness. Worsening symptoms for no apparent reason, extreme limitations and pain when I tried to do things I loved, brought more loss and grief. Everything about me, everything that defined me, was suddenly gone. 

I didn't even know who I was anymore. I wanted to give up on God, on my faith. Nothing seemed worth it. 

Faithfulness to Christ hasn't meant a life of abandon on the mission field currently, as I frequently envisioned as a child. It hasn't required prison time, secret church meetings, beatings, or torture. No, but following Christ has still been far more difficult than I imagined... 

It's meant clinging to Christ when everyone in our church turned on us. 

It's meant doing what was right when things were incredibly wrong and unjust. 

It's meant facing hurt and betrayal so deep from people we called friends that it left permanent scars. 

It's meant enduring horrible physical pain and fatigue and isolation.

It's meant walking through lyme and co-infection treatment that I felt would kill me.

It's meant battling my deepest fears and hurt and not denouncing God. 

It's meant experiencing the darkest hopelessness and not taking my own life.

It's meant not rejecting God even though I wanted to blame him for everything horrible that happened.

Those things display a little of what taking up my cross has looked like for me. Most of my suffering has been in silence. It's come from the church, not outside God-haters. It's been in the isolation due to infections in my body, not isolated imprisonment by others. The "backwardness" of my suffering caused me to question everything I believed.

What hard things has God asked you to walk through? Maybe it's not the the pain of persecution or torture. But that doesn't mean it's not just as hard. 

Whatever pain and heartache you wrestle with matters to God. Your questions, anger, and doubt are met with grace and compassion. Scars may remain, but you can experience healing. The trials are God's way of reclaiming your heart, revealing areas where you love something else more than Him. And in that difficult, sanctifying work of suffering, Jesus shines brighter:

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Cor. 4:8-10

Your suffering produces a beautiful reflection of Christ in you and makes you more sensitive to the hurting people around you. It can help you to love betters and stay focused on what really matters.

And that is a value greater than diamonds.

To those stuck at home....

This has been a crazy time across our nation, with many stay at home orders in place. Perhaps you’re feeling frustrated, stir crazy, unproductive, or limited.

Maybe it’s not because you need to do anything, but your lack of ability to choose where you go or what you do makes you feel stuck.

I get that.

For a year and a half, I was stuck at home in the intensity of chronic lyme + co-infection treatment. Venturing out of my home once a week was a sign of a good week, and usually only for an hour or two, to run an errand or make it to church.

I despised the “stuck” feeling, yet my pain, fatigue, and constantly fluctuating symptoms made it extremely unmotivating to go out. Feeling paralyzed and purposeless, clinging to hope in the slow treatment season was incredibly difficult.

My body was my limitation and it kept me from doing everything I wanted to do.

Today, most of us are stuck at home to some extent. As we're limited in what we can do, let's allow that to increase our compassion for our friends and family members whose limitations keep them from getting out most of the time. That stuck feeling you feel right now? They face it too. That fear of not knowing exactly when this will end? They battle that daily.

Except unlike COVID-19, those with chronic illness have no guarantee it will end. Will this be the rest of life? It could be. They walk moment-by-moment, getting just enough “manna” to make it through the day, not knowing how they can do it again tomorrow.

And somehow, they still do. Because God's grace is sufficient (2 Cor. 12:8-10).

His grace is sufficient for you in this season of job loss, sickness, and unknowns. And it is sufficient for the friend or family member stuck at home with chronic illness.

You now have a fresh understanding of the pain and frustration those with chronic illness face daily. You may not have the exact same struggles, but God can use this season of unknown to cultivate grace in your heart for others.

So love those around you. Be patient and gentle (Rom. 12:10, Eph. 4:2). Extend grace. You can’t always see the internal battles others face.

While you’re waiting to get back to normal life, remember that the chronically ill are desperate to get back any semblance of normal life too. They hate being stuck as much as you.

Let's remember that uncertainty, weakness, and limitations are meant to direct us to the One who has no limitations or needs. They're meant to remind us that we are not self-sufficient. The frustration you feel today is part of life in a broken world. In the unknowns of the future and the limitations of today, may we find God faithful and good--more than ever before.

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light."

Colossians 1:11-12

Holding Out Hope

What are you holding out hope for?

We all grasp for hope in some form, because that’s how we’re wired. And right now, with a pandemic sweeping the nation, we're all holding out hope for things to go back to normal.

Just like winter holds out hope of spring, I’ve been holding out hope too. Hope that I would reach some semblance of “normal life” again.

Not normal in same category of my energy and life pre-chronic illness. But not “stuck in bed half the day after a grocery store run” either. Not pain that causes me to stop everything. Just the ability to work and to enjoy life again.

And I’m slowly getting there.

It's a long journey, and not without extreme challenges--continually learning to pace, how to handle "crash days", riding the rollercoaster of daily symptoms (which are milder overall, but not gone), and facing the emotional toll of life with limitations. I'm learning that the journey to healing is a challenge in and of itself.

Countless questions run through my head. Fear can overwhelm and direct those thoughts and questions.

And I bet you feel that right now too, in some way.

If you're desperately longing for hope and feeling like nothing is ever going to work, please don’t give up yet. Let's walk on this journey together. And may we find that as we face our deepest fears and hardest days, God is near. Underneath our cold, wintery exteriors, God gently softens our hearts, bringing healing where there is hurt and brokenness.

Just like winter begins to melt and bright buds spark excitement, bringing hope that the dreary winter will not last forever, hope is within reach for you too.

Will you draw near with me to the One who IS hope?

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:24

What's the point of this pain?

Do you ever ask yourself, "What's the point of all this pain?"

I do.

I'm trying two new IV treatments which involve me driving 4.5 hours round trip to my doctor once or twice a week. Phew. The rest of my time is spent recovering from driving and treatment and keeping up with basic tasks! I didn't expect another intense treatment round, so it was a very discouraging idea at first. To me, it's kind of a last-resort type of thing to improve lingering pain/fatigue from my years of chronic lyme, co-infections, and autoimmune issues. Thankfully, I'm stable enough to make this drive (HUGE praise!), even though it's exhausting.

Though from the outside this treatment appears hopeful, I have battled a lot of fear. There are many unknowns. About health. Finances. Future. Whether this will make a difference. And many more things...

Can I be honest? The last five years of my life have been one thing after another. I'm tired of living day-by-day. Tired of all the unknowns, the rollercoaster of symptoms and emotions, the physical overreactions to stress, the sudden inability to push through "normal life"... the forced rest, slow pace, mundane.

I'm weary of it all.

Starting new treatment felt like I was choosing to walk through hell. Again. I was very resistant at first. It is still painful for me to recall the excruciating physical pain and fatigue that's resulted from lyme/co-infection treatment. But often what scares me more than physical symptoms is the accompanying deep depression. It has been a long, strenuous battle.

The planner side of me longs for a future. Things to look forward to and to work towards. I long for some semblance of a normal life. Slowing down again to focus on treatment and live day-by-day was not on my agenda!

Then I remember, how long did the Israelites wander through the wilderness, forced to daily rely on God for the most basic need (of food)?

Forty years.

In that long season, God was proving Himself trustworthy to Israel. Over and over. Through their lack, He was teaching them to lean on Him. This was a work of grace. Even in their anger and accusations against God, He continued to demonstrate His kindness to His people.

And He's doing the same for me. For you.

So what's the point of this pain? While I don't have all the answers, I know it is slowly helping me cling to the God, who deserves my trust. To lean on Him instead of myself. To taste and see that He is good, even when life is not. In the midst of the pain, His kindness and care and gentleness are evident, if I will only open my eyes to it.

God may not feel trustworthy to you right now because of the deep pain and heartache you face. It's ok to wrestle in that way. But He has not abandoned you in your wilderness. He displays His love and care for you in your deepest darkness. And the One who has redeemed you will not let you go. Cling to the Rock, and let Him comfort your heart today.

To the one who wants to die....

I see you there, wrestling with the deep pain, trauma, and heartache.
I see the anger rising up when you think about what's been done to you.
I see the extreme pain and fatigue in your eyes from chronic illness.
I see the fear when you meet a new person, wondering if you can actually trust them.
I see the cynicism and hopelessness as you look toward the future.
I see you longing for some inkling of hope, afraid to admit your deep struggle with depression and suicidal thinking.

Can I sit with you a minute?

I know I can't write anything to take away your pain--physical, mental, or emotional. I know I can't fix it. I can't make life better. I can't even promise that this life will get better, as hard as that is to say. But I can offer a hand and a few words of hope, if you'll give me a chance.

In darkness and hopelessness, there seems to be no way out. But catch a glimpse of this:

"Hopelessness is the only doorway to hope." Paul Tripp, Suffering

How is this possible?

You see, hopelessness actually pushes us to decide where to place our hope. It destroys the places we thought brought hope, but really were empty. Only when we let go of our semblance of control and abandon the false securities and temporary fixes, can we find true hope.

Hopelessness then becomes the doorway between false hope and real hope.

It's ok to wrestle. It's ok to cry out, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?" (Ps. 13:1-2).  But God longs for that despair to turn us from hope in ourselves to the only place of true, lasting hope. As David ends his cries in Psalm 13:

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me."

Your heart may not be in a place of singing or rejoicing right now. And that's ok. But keep clinging to Christ in the dark. Don't give up. Let that hopelessness remind you that there's only One who can provide eternal hope. Hope that does not disappoint (Rom. 5:5).

Today's hard has purpose (2 Cor. 4:17). The depression and pain has a set end (Ps. 34:19, 1 Pet. 5:10). God has promised and He is faithful (Heb. 10:23). Land on that.

Praying you find hope today in Him.


*In light of national suicide prevention month, this was written out of a desire to bring hope to those who struggle with suicidal thinking. This is written from my own wrestlings to cling to hope throughout deep challenges in chronic illness. 

With a Mountain Before You

Do you ever argue with God?

"I can't do this...."
"What you're asking is too much...."
"This is impossible...."

Sometimes life just doesn't make sense to us, and we grapple to find hope or purpose when there's a mountain before us. Much-Afraid, in Hinds' Feet for High Places, showcases the same struggle:

“Oh Shepherd, you said you would make my feet like hinds’ feet and set me upon High Places.”

“Well,” he answered cheerily, “the only way to develop hinds’ feet is to go by the path which the hinds use—like this one.”

Much-Afraid trembled and looked at him shamefacedly. “I don’t think...I want...hinds’ feet, if it means I have to go on a path like that,” she answered painfully.

“Oh yes you do,” he answered cheerfully. “I know you better than you know yourself, Much-Afraid. You want it very much indeed, and I promise you these hinds’ feet.

“But I never dreamed you would do anything like this! Lead me to an impassable precipice up which nothing can go but deer and goats, when I’m no more like a deer or a goat than is a jellyfish… Why it’s too preposterously absurd! Whatever will you do next?”

“I love doing preposterous things,” the Shepherd replied, “Why, I don’t know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection.”
- Hinds’ Feet on High Places, Hannah Hurnard

Like Much-Afraid. sometimes it seems like God asks too much of me—that it's "preposterous". Or at times, I don't desire the end result enough to motivate me through the painful process.

But you know what's comforting in the midst of the mountains we don't want to climb?

It's not up to us.

While that can seem incredibly discouraging to our control-crazy selves, this is actually a wonderful benefit to us.

God always provides circumstances what will be best for us in the long-run. Not temporarily easy circumstances or perhaps what we want. But He is a loving Father who always does things for our good. He sees all, while we see only a tiny portion. God's not punishing us; He's doing what He knows will bring the greatest good.

If we surrender our wills and let Him gently push us in areas we don't want to go, we will bear greater fruit and benefit in our lives than we ever thought possible.

Let's trust Him. Let's rest in His goodness and care. That mountain may feel impossible, but God delights in revealing His strength in the impossible.

Stuck in a Life You Didn't Choose

What are you facing today that you never would have asked for?

If we're honest, we all encounter circumstances in life we despise and desperately wish we could get out of.

For me, despite seeing some health improvement from a couple years of chronic lyme + co-infection treatment, I still have autoimmune issues that aren't improving yet. After thousands of dollars of investments in immune support, endless supplements, special diets, detox protocols, and more, this is a very discouraging reality.

In those moments, anxiety and fear can take over my mind and paralyze me. I could stay stuck in the "what-ifs" and hopelessness, refusing to move forward in life. Or I can cling to what is true and find ways to hold to hope in my reality.

So what is true? When you’re stuck living a life you would never choose, what do you do?

• Grieve. Yes, when you face the brokenness of life, it's right to grieve. The curse is deep and far-reaching. Don't bury your emotions, take them to the Father.
• Trust. Your heavenly Father knows best and only does what is good for you. Believe that even when circumstances seem to contradict it.
• Cling. Hold to hope. Rest in the solid Rock who won't let you down no matter how many people or circumstances do.
• Seek. Look for evidences of God's grace to you. Find joy in the little things. Remind yourself of what you have instead of dwelling on what you don't. Grasp any form of joy you can find.
• Just keep swimming. In Finding Nemo, Dory's optimism (naiive or not) keep her and Marlin searching for Nemo when Marlin's fear paralyzes him. It's terrifying to think of making decisions or moving forward when the weight of life or limitations suffocates. But we must continue to do what we can and "keep swimming," instead of giving up.

Being stuck in a life you didn't choose can leave you feeling hopeless. But Paul Tripp has an interesting insight:

"So it is with suffering; it never leaves you the same. You run into the traps of temptation that greet every sufferer and are left with a cruel harvest in your heart and relationships, or you run toward the comforts of grace, which shine most brightly in the darkness of suffering, and reap a harvest of blessing. Yes, you may continue to suffer, or its effects may remain, but you now live with a changed heart, a sturdier faith, and a joy that suffering cannot take away." Paul Tripp

Where do you find yourself today? Are you left with the "cruel harvest" of bitterness, cynicism, and hopelessness? Or has God's grace done a work in your heart?

If you, like me, find yourself on either side of the spectrum depending on the day, continue to press in and find comfort and strength in the arms of the Father. You may not have chosen your life, but God has, and His ways are always good. Perhaps they don't feel good, but they will reap good fruit if you will humbly submit yourself to His plan. He will not waste your suffering.

Loyal Love

Fear has a way of creeping into our relationships.

It causes us to question people's intentions, to doubt their loyalty, and to push others away to protect ourselves from getting hurt. It makes us unwilling to address conflict. It causes us to react to the tiniest slight or hint of rejection. It evokes anger when someone tries to take what we desperately try to protect. It keeps us from being real or honest with people. It causes us to cling to bitterness when we are deeply hurt.

If we're honest, fear keeps us from loving others.

I too have some very difficult past experiences of betrayal and rejection that still try to impact the way I view myself and others. It takes God's ongoing work of grace in my heart to keep me from living out of fear. So what truth enables me to move past my own fears and love other people more than I long to protect myself from hurt?

I must remember: I can only love others when I rest in the loyal love of God.

God's love for His children is utterly loyal. It is not based on our performance. When we doubt Him or get angry at Him, He doesn't turn away from us. He doesn't give up on us when we sin. He doesn't treat us the way we so often treat others. He pursues us relentlessly. Even when we are unfaithful, He remains faithful (2 Tim. 2:13).

More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
You are always there for me
You listen every time I speak
You look into my eyes
See the things I hide
And say that You will never leave
Your promises I can not break
And I know You will never change
-Loyal, Lauren Daigle

This is the One who never fails us. The only perfect, unchanging, loyal friend. Only when we rest in His love can we live without fear. We can find solid ground, because even when other people hurt or fail us, it is not the end of life. No betrayal or rejection (however ugly) can completely defeat us. No matter how badly we are hurt, we have One who will never fail. This love will not let go. What security that brings!

Rest in God's loyal love to you today.

 "May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." 

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Dare to Hope

Life in a broken world is filled with challenges and disappointments. People disappoint us, circumstances disappoint us, we disappoint ourselves... and if we're really honest, at times we feel like God disappoints us.

Hope, therefore, is a crucial part of life. It offers perspective and motivation beyond current pain or challenges, just like a mother can endure the pain of childbirth because she knows the reward of holding her baby will be worth it.

But recurring, failed hope crushes us. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Pr. 13:12).

Has your hope been dashed again and again? Are you waiting on something that still hasn't come? Depression and hopelessness from delayed or failed hope can swallow us. I believe Jeremiah felt it too when he described his troubles in Lamentations:

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.'" Lam. 3:17-18, ESV

It's not wrong to wrestle with hopelessness—it's part of living in a sin-cursed world. But if we stay stuck in the spiral of despair, we will lose motivation to live. 

Jeremiah gives us a beautiful example of what it means to speak the truth to your own heart in the midst of seeming impossibility:

"Yet I stil​l ​dare to hope when I remember this..." Lam. 3:21, NLT

Jeremiah's barely clinging to hope. His desperate circumstances probably make him feel like hope doesn't exist. Yet despite the hopelessness in and around him, he dares to hope in the steadfast love of God. In the One greater than the darkness surrounding him. In the One redeeming the worst of circumstances.

We too need this kind of tenacity. We need to desperately cling to hope outside of ourselves when things are at their worst. In spite of flailing emotions, we need to dare to hope in something, Someone, who is greater than our greatest fears or pain.

Whatever you're facing, dare to hope today in the steadfast love of God. He is the only source of hope that will never fail you.

The Real Monday Motivation

Some days you wake up ready to take on the world.

Other days, you'd rather hide in a shell, convinced you can't handle another day.

Life has many challenges because we live in a broken world. It's no wonder there are so many Monday memes that depict the frustration of another week of the mundane. Life and work holds dissatisfaction because of the Fall (Gen. 3:17-19).

But unlike the memes that point to the the climax of the weekend, believers in Christ don't just live for the weekend. This life is not all there is. The challenges and frustrations have a purpose. History is moving somewhere, to the return of Christ (2 Pet. 3:8-10).

In the meantime, the desperation we feel can actually provide great benefit. It reminds us that we need a Savior:

"O Lord, be gracious to us; we wait for you.
Be our arm every morning,
our salvation in the time of trouble."
Isaiah 33:2

While we often try to live self-sufficiently, it always fails. God wants to be our strength. And He graciously uses challenges to point us to our need for Him. So no matter what you're facing, cry out to Him today for help. Let Him be your "arm"   your place of protection and safety.

Instead of viewing this Monday as another hopeless round of the same old mundane or a repeat of painful experiences, look up. You've been given a new day, with fresh grace and new mercies (Lam. 3:22-23). You have a powerful Savior who brings strength to your battle against sin and hope in the troubles of today (Heb. 4:15-16).

This is where you find motivation. 

God is your strength. Find motivation and hope in the truth that you are not alone. You don't face suffering or fight sin on your own. God is redeeming the hard and hopeless you face. The difficulties will make heaven even sweeter.

Look up and look ahead. Today is temporary. Be faithful where you're at and look to Christ for strength and motivation for another week.

Confidence When Life is Bleak

Do you ever question whether you can survive another day of pain or heartache, feeling like everything around you is bleak?

It's ok to wrestle with discouragement from the brokenness of life. We all have days where we feel we have no confidence or hope left. But as we face hardship, we have cling to truth in the desperate moments. Hebrews 10:35 encourages us:

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward." 

That phrase strikes me every time. There is reward in persevering and not giving up. The only problem is, while I want to remain confident and hopeful in any form of suffering, the reality is—I’m not. I battle doubt, fear, envy, discouragement, hopelessness, and a host of other things.

But what I love about Hebrews 10 is that it’s not simply a command to do better. It’s not a “Suck it and up and deal with your pain” exhortation. Nor is it a denial of the difficulty. No, there’s something bigger than us that solidifies our hope:

The blood of Jesus gives us complete access to the Father.

Stop and think about that. We have tremendous confidence in suffering because Jesus made a way for us to enter the holy place. (Heb. 10:19)

In the Old Testament, only the high priest could enter the holy place, and just once a year. It required the sacrifice of an animal, representing the blood shed for the sins of the people of God. Jesus fulfilled the sacrificial system by becoming the once-for-all, perfect sacrifice. And in doing so, He destroyed the curtain that separated us from God. This is the foundation of our confidence.

So when you fall into despair, when you sin, when you wrestle with the ongoing trials you face—you have a great High Priest to run to. One who knows and sympathizes with your weaknesses (Heb. 4:15). Don’t turn away from Him because you’re struggling or things are difficult. Run to the throne of grace (Heb. 4:16).

On the days you feel like God has abandoned you or is against you, look to the cross. Jesus shed His own blood to redeem you. To give you complete access to the Father who loves and cares for you. He could not abandon you now.

How does that provide confidence when life is bleak? Because today, we have the ability to draw near to a holy God. We can cry out for grace in our struggles and our failures. Our hope for hanging on is not based on ourselves. And that is a powerful, freeing reality. So then...

"...let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Heb. 10:22-23

Let's turn to God in our weakness and experience His nearness, care, and faithful provision for today.

Courage in Chronic Illness

What comes to mind when you hear the word courage?
Great accomplishments?
Daring feats?
Stepping out of your comfort zone?

While the dictionary does define courage as "the ability to do something that frightens one", there is a second definition that I believe is even more impactful:

Strength in the face of pain or grief.

Are you facing ongoing pain, fatigue, or ever-changing symptoms that haven't yet been diagnosed? Navigating the challenges of life with diabetes or fibromyalgia? Chronic illness hits in so many forms and is a difficult journey. It requires extensive courage. Courage you may not believe you have.

But, dear reader, if you have made it another day when you thought it wasn't possible, you have courage.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 

'I will try again tomorrow.'" Mary Anne Radmacher

This quote struck me when a friend shared it with me recently. You see, courage is a hard thing for me. At the end of a physically exhausting or emotionally draining day, the last thing I want to say is, "I'll try again tomorrow." I wish I could give up. I want it all to end.

Courage is not a word I would use to describe myself. I'm not daring or adventurous. I don't even like change much at all.

But life-risking adventure is not the kind of courage God seeks. It's not about being the first person to try something risky or accomplishing some grand feat. Rather, as you face your deepest fears in chronic illness, your most intense pain, your severe limitations, your "new normal", the heart issues unveiled–you are exhibiting courage. As you persevere day-by-day and moment-by-moment, you are demonstrating courage.

Don't give up, no matter how hard your days get. Keep turning to the Lord in the grief and pain. God is developing powerful fortitude and courage in you. One day, you will look back and realize in all those pain-filled days you didn't want to continue, there was grace.

You will look back and see that you have more courage than you ever expected. Not the adrenaline-rush, risk-taking courage, but the long-lasting courage that helps you persevere through a difficult life in a broken world. Courage to follow Jesus no matter the cost. Courage that has strengthened your faith and hope.

This is true courage.

The Anointing of Suffering

Suffering. Trials. Adversity. Words we cringe at and circumstances we would avoid at all costs. However, while we desperately long to avoid difficulties, it is one of the clearest ways God refines, prepares, and sets apart.

Some of the most anointed people are ones who have greatly suffered.

Suffering’s Anointing
You may never have thought of suffering as a type of anointing. Seems contradictory, doesn’t it? It's tempting to think of suffering as God's punishment.

In the Old Testament, God anointed kings—His way of setting them apart for particular work. And I believe that suffering is one of God’s key forms of anointing believers today, preparing them for greater work.

This is backwards from the typical way we view suffering. We are quick, like Job’s friends, to self-righteously look on others who are suffering and ask, “Is not your evil abundant? There is no end to your iniquities.” (Job 22:5)

If we’re honest, I think we’re sometimes looking for a horrible reason that other people suffer and justification that we won’t suffer like them. The disciples did this when they asked Jesus if it was because of a man’s sin or his parents that he was born blind (John 9:2). Jesus’s response? “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (v. 3) Let’s not play God by assuming someone is suffering because of their sin.

Suffering’s Comrades
I don’t think I have to remind you of all the Scriptural examples of people who experienced significant suffering. Job. Joseph. David. Daniel. Paul. And countless others. Was it a form of discipline or punishment? Hebrews 11 tells us that it was a sign of their faith. This was God’s way of anointing and purifying His people.

Additionally, there are endless stories from history of Christians who suffered deeply. Hudson Taylor. John Patton. Charles Spurgeon. Elisabeth Elliot. Amy Carmichael. I could spend all day writing stories of the difficulties they encountered. Would anyone say it was because of his or her sin? Never!

We all long to be like these heroes of the faith. But in order to be like those saints, we would have to go through the depths of suffering that they faced. Most of us don't ponder what it took for them to become such great examples, and if we knew it all, we wouldn't choose to go through the same adversity. If you are in a season of testing through suffering, know that there are many others before you that God mightily prepared and anointed through suffering.

Suffering’s Fruit
Suffering, no matter the form, is unbelievably hard. But don’t fear suffering. Fear life going so well that you become self-reliant and independent, rendering you ineffective to love and serve those around you.

Your suffering is not wasted. It is God’s way of anointing and purifying you to prepare you for greater effectiveness. You may not even recognize the countless implications and fruit.

Your suffering produces endurance (Rom. 5:3-4).
Your suffering yields greater future glory (Rom. 8:18, Jam. 1:12, 1 Pet. 4:12-13).
Your suffering makes you a better comforter to others who are suffering (2 Cor. 1:4-5).

These are just a few examples of the fruit of suffering. Fruit you cannot produce on your own. The fruit that results from the anointing of suffering.

Battling Discouragement

There are many things in life that can discourage and drag us down. Past hurt, broken relationships, financial stress, chronic illness, prodigal family member or friend, church conflict, our own sin. You name it; there is always something that tempts us to despair.

When it comes to discouragement in chronic illness, it’s been my experience that symptoms can alter my perception of reality. High pain or fatigue inevitably produces discouragement. But not only that; the rollercoaster of emotions and symptoms over time can lead to ongoing discouragement and despair about life in general.

I’ve battled discouragement already this week. One day, I woke up with energy and motivation, and got some tasks accomplished. It felt great. And then the next day I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck. Exhaustion and pain and many random symptoms flared. I started to cry that I could still swing that dramatically from day to day. I felt like I was backtracking—again.

Where is the hope on these days? How can we battle discouragement in life? 
There is one simple (but not easy) thing you can do today:

Cling to the Rock.

David cries out in the Psalms:

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy." Psalm 61:1-3

It is normal to fight discouragement and despair in a broken and sin-cursed world. But it doesn’t have to weigh you down and crush you. When you face the reality of the brokenness of your own body, a relationship, or anything else, run to the Rock: "Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come." Psalm 71:3

Do you notice how it says, "to which I may continually come"? This is not a one-time deal. We are dependent people who need God’s grace and strength to daily face the discouragement without it crushing us. There's an old hymn that reminds us of this:

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul give way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
-The Solid Rock

When you can't see past the fog of discouragement, when everything around you seems to be falling apart, there is a Rock that is steadfast. One who loves and cares tremendously for you, who never leaves you or forsakes you.

On the days you're overwhelmed, discouraged, and tempted to despair, don't try to solve the difficult life problems on your own. It only leads to greater despair. Cling to the Rock until that storm lightens a little. And then look around carefully and see the Father's support and protection amidst the whelming flood. This will provide hope as you battle the discouragement of today.

When Prayers are Unanswered

God doesn’t often answer our prayers in the way we’d like. He doesn’t always take away the trouble. But He does answer:

“On the day I called, You answered me;
my strength of soul You increased.”
Psalm 138:3

God answers by strengthening us, enabling us to stand against the pressures of life.

This is grace.

It isn’t the form of grace I generally appreciate. Most often, I plead for the trial to go away. I long for life to be better. It's not wrong to want that. God gave us that yearning to help us long for heaven, the day when all will be made right. Until then, the curse of sin has left this world broken.

On the other hand, sometimes we miss what God is doing right now because we are so focused on getting out of the difficulty. Vaneetha Rendall Risner talks about "rescuing grace" and "sustaining grace" in her book, The Scars that Have Shaped Me. We all long for rescue from our circumstances. Yet there is something beautiful to be gained from sustaining grace in a trial. Vaneetha explains:

"With sustaining grace, we must continually go back to God. This grace is not a one-time thing, just as manna was not a one-time event. We need it every day. And it keeps us dependent on God. With sustaining grace, we get more of Jesus. His comfort, his nearness, his very presence."

Psalm 138 continues with a similar theme...

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You preserve my life…
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” (vs. 7a, 8a)

God is fulfilling His purpose for you. That is not to sound cliché or make light of your suffering, but to provide hope. God walks with you. He preserves you when you feel like you cannot make it another day. This is sustaining grace. Vaneetha looks back on her lack of rescuing grace in the midst of much suffering and imparts this wisdom:

“God loved me enough not to rescue me. He knew I needed to see him, to sense his presence, to understand his heart. I needed those things more than I needed rescue.”

This is a hard truth, but a freeing one. Have you wondered sometimes how you've made it this far? How you've pushed through so much pain and fatigue? How you've persisted, despite the tremendous hurt and suffering you've experienced?

This is grace. God's sustaining grace. And that same grace will be with you and keep you to the end.

"Through many dangers, toils and snares 

We have already come. 

Twas grace that brought us safe thus far, 

And grace will lead us home."

If you want an encouraging book from someone who has suffered greatly, read The Scars that Have Shaped Me: How God Meets Us in Suffering!

Fighting to Persevere

Some days the tears won’t stop. I don’t mean because of grief or a difficult circumstance; I just mean because of exhaustion, pain, weariness, and general discouragement. This is not uncommon in life with chronic illness (and herxing from increased chronic Lyme doses again). It is an intense battle for me to focus on truth between the tears and pain. I want to give up on treatment. On doing emotionally draining things. On trying anything new. Or just trying to live life semi-normally (whatever that means). I don’t even want to keep going. Everything in life feels disheartening.

The last couple days I've been reading and thinking about the latter part of Hebrews 10. It speaks to me in my suffering (and in yours):

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised… But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls." Heb. 10:35-36, 39

The author of Hebrews knows suffering can weigh us down and tempt us to give up. That's why he tells us that we have need of endurance (v. 36) and that we must not throw away our confidence (v. 35). Then he gives us hope. If God is sovereign over our lives (and He is) then part of doing the will of God (v. 36) is persevering through suffering, hard as it may be. But if we do, we have a promise to receive—an imperishable inheritance for all of eternity. It is a an eternal focus that keeps us fighting to persevere.

Some will face suffering and turn away from God. This picture of "shrinking back" in verse 39 is one of giving up or withdrawing in fear. But believers are those who "have faith and preserve their souls" (v. 39).

I don't know about you, but I don't have an ounce of perseverance within me. Somedays I honestly don't know how I've made it to today. How can I keep from becoming one of those "who shrink back and are destroyed?"

Then I'm reminded of a crucial truth sometimes referred to as "the perseverance of the saints" that my brother has reminded me of (through playing it on the piano lately):

When I fear my faith will fail
Christ will hold me fast
When the tempter would prevail
He will hold me fast
I could never keep my hold
Through life’s fearful path
For my love is often cold
He must hold me fast

The truth is, I can’t do this on my own. But Christ holds me and preserves my faith. Matthew Henry puts it this way:

“And those who have been kept faithful in great trials for the time past, have reason to hope for the same grace to help them still to live by faith, till they receive the end of their faith and patience, even the salvation of their souls.” 

So don’t give up or shrink back, no matter how difficult your circumstances may be. Lift up your eyes towards eternity as you fight to persevere and turn to the One who is holding you and keeping you to the end.

When You Feel Empty

Do you feel empty today? Overwhelmed by the pressures of life? Worn out from never-ending, dismal circumstances? The uncertainty of your health? Feeling like you're as low as you could possibly be?

You're not alone. Charles Spurgeon is one of the many believers who felt the as you do. Yet he had something insightful to say:

Charles Spurgeon battled depression pretty much his whole life. Yet he is considered one of the greatest preachers of the 19th century. Why? Not because he had his life together, but because in his weakness and frailty, God used him. Spurgeon learned through his depression to lean more heavily on God, to fight the fear and despair with faith, and to persevere through the hard of life in a broken, sin-cursed world.

This encourages me when the lies attack...

• "My weaknesses and struggles make me ineffective and unqualified to minister to or encourage others."
• "It’s wrong for me to write or tell others something when I struggle to believe the same truths myself."

But as I was reminded by a friend recently, those struggles are exactly the reason it matters. I don’t have my life together. I’m a sinner just like you who needs grace to make it through today. My story or avenue of writing isn’t about my successes or my victories, but my daily need for Jesus.

It’s tempting for young people to be self-sufficient because we have energy and drive. I know I was (and let's be honest, I still am sometimes!). Chronic illness humbled me and made me more dependent on God and others. While that was extremely difficult and pride-shattering, it has been one of the best things that has happened to me.

Without emptiness, without my struggles, without my chronic illness, and most importantly, without God’s grace to hold and keep me, I would not be where I am today. I would be a proud, self-sufficient person lacking grace for others who are hurting. I would not grasp the depth of my sin. I would not have compassion for those struggling. Remarkably, God uses those very things we despise to deeply work in our hearts and to display His power:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Cor. 4:7-10

You may feel that you can't get any lower. Consider this: God is using your emptiness to prepare you for being filled and to transform you into something beautiful. The Enemy desires our struggles and suffering to render us ineffective in the Kingdom. But God wants to redeem those losses, battles against remaining sin, and weaknesses to shine forth His incomparable power and unsurpassable worth.

Let God show Himself strong through your emptiness and weakness.

Beauty in Weakness

Usually we share on social media the parts of our lives that are spotless, beautiful, and exciting. No one wants to admit the difficult or the ugly. We like the cleaned-up version of ourselves. We present an image that beauty is found in personal strength.

Let me be honest here: 95% of my posts are written out of weakness. They’re not written on days when things are carefree or I have this light bulb revelation of truth that makes the day wonderful. Instead, they're written out of the nitty-gritty, challenging struggles of daily life. They come from my own wrestlings with truth. Honestly, it's a way of reminding myself of the hope found in the gospel.

I know I don't have anything new or profound to say. Many can write better than I. Some days I'm not even sure if my writing makes sense! But my desire in blogging is that out of my weakness and wrestlings you too will find hope. Just like the movies, where characters search for hope of a better future or a hero to save them, we too all long for hope. God placed this desire in us. Those battling chronic illness or chronic pain must continually fight for hope. Amazingly, there is a purpose in this:

God wants our struggles, weakness, and hopeless desperation to turn us to hope in Him.

Yet there are many days I don't find my hope in Him. In my pain or lack of healing, I question God or get angry at Him. However, in my doubting and sometimes sinful responses, one of the most encouraging reminders is the truth that God will not let me go. I assure you, had my hold on hope been left up to me, I would've failed.

But God is faithful.

I don't mean to sound cliche. That powerful statement resonates deeply within me because I've experienced His faithfulness day-by-day over the last few years of intense chronic illness, as well as through several other deep heartaches and painful circumstances. There's no visible beauty in my weakness and sinful responses, but there is incredible beauty when my God perfects His strength in my weakness.

He is faithful to you in this way too. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know you may be doubting His goodness or wondering if He's even there. But no matter the pain, the heartache, the hurt, the struggles—if you are a child of God—He is holding onto you. He won't let you go.

God's unchanging character carries us through the deepest waters and the darkest moments:

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life..." Psalm 138:7a

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

If you're struggling today, don't lose hope even though you can't see how God is working. Keep crying out to Him. Landing on His promises. Trusting that He is faithful and He won't let you go. Do it again and again as you fight the feelings of discouragement and despair.

Learning to hope in God through suffering, while extremely difficult, is a more beautiful reality than the temporary glamor of a self-sufficient, successful life. And one that has much deeper impact. In God's goodness He is drawing you to Himself through your trials and causing you to become more dependent on Him. That will have a much greater reward than any success or accomplishment ever will. God's power and strength is vividly and powerfully displayed when you are weak.

This is the beauty found in weakness. 

Appointments and Small Improvements

Living with chronic illness has been one of the greatest challenges and tests of faith I’ve known yet, constantly revealing where I look for hope. And it isn't always pretty.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor last week with very little to “show”. Sadly, my autoimmune numbers are not improving yet, despite over a year of substantial immune support, detoxing, and gut healing, as well as over three months of intense lyme and co-infection treatment. My body is currently fighting six infections that I'm aware of, but additionally, fighting against itself! I so desperately wanted my lab work to show something was "working". Yet all I know for sure is that I still have a long way to go....

The reality that it could take years for my pain to get better sunk in and brought me to a place of discouragement again. It is here that I’m faced with two choices:

1. I can worry and become anxious about how to continue life with such limitations and pain.
Or...

2. I can entrust my future to my Heavenly Father who perfectly knows and understands my situation.

This is a continual choice, to cast my cares on my Father and trust that He will do what's best for me when it doesn't seem like this is good at all! Do you find yourself in this same dilemma because of the ups-and-downs of your health, your job, or life in general? Well the Psalmist provides comfort in our distress:

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”
Psalm 34:17-19

As much as I would love to promise you that life will get easier and all your pain will dissipate, that is not necessarily true in a broken, sin-cursed world (side note: this does help us long for heaven!). "Many are the afflictions of the righteous" (v. 19). That does not sound hopeful! But we have hope in a Redeemer: One who hears, who is near to the brokenhearted, who delivers and saves the afflicted and crushed. This is a God who intimately knows our pain and cares more than any person ever will. The One who promises, in time, to deliver. This is the God we can trust.

Today I'm reminding myself that while I need to trust, I also must keep crying out for help. Continually asking God for grace to persevere. For deliverance. For hope.

God is with me today, no matter how "terrible" my circumstances may be or how bleak the future may appear. And if you know Him, He is with you too. May the Lord draw near and comfort your heart today.

(On another note, I have a wonderful functional, lyme literate doctor in Indianapolis who works hard to get to root issues in health, if anyone is looking for a doctor! :) )

Hoping Against Hope in Chronic Illness

Hope is hard to hold onto when you battle chronic illness. Studies show that it takes an average of 3-5 years to get an accurate diagnosis, usually seeing 5 different doctors (and many people see a lot more!).

This means that there’s a whole lot of waiting in chronic illness, and subsequently, much disappointment and heartache. I know I’ve had many doctor appointments where I’ve just cried afterwards because I was so overwhelmed, discouraged, and exhausted. There have been numerous days where I doubted I would ever get a root diagnosis. Countless days where I’ve completely lost hope of healing. And to be completely honest, there have been many days where I wanted to give up on life itself.

The life of Abraham both challenges and encourages me in this journey towards healing. Romans 4:18-21 summarizes:

“In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, “So shall your offspring be.” He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”

Did you catch that? “In hope he believed against hope…” (v. 18)

What an incredible phrase. Abraham was old—so from a physical perspective, it was impossible for him to have any children. But he believed God would fulfill His promise. Abraham grounded his hope in a faithful God. He hoped against hope.

God hasn’t clearly promised that He would heal you or me. So our circumstances are a little different. But we too must learn what it means to hope against hope when the storms of life suffocate us.

It’s not uncommon to despair when a new treatment or medication doesn’t seem to work at all. Over the last few years, I’ve continually tried various treatments, medications, diet regimens, detox protocols, and more. I’ve had more blood drawn and tests run than I would’ve ever expected in my life. Sometimes it appears nothing makes a difference, and I despair I will never improve.

And that’s where I must learn to hope, like Abraham, against what seems likely or realistic. I have to trust that God is working and not lose hope of healing. Because if I lose hope, I will no longer fight. No longer take the necessary steps to help heal my infections. Everything will seem in vain, and I will lose sight of why I'm going through all this work and and expense.

Does this mean I should believe God will guarantee me complete healing? Not necessarily. While it would be a tremendous answer to prayer, God does not “owe me” healing; hard as that is to admit. I'd like to think I deserve to be healthy and have a normal life. Sometimes God’s work of grace comes through healing, but not always. Because of this, I believe one of the great challenges in fighting chronic illness is to remain hopeful of healing, without putting your hope in healing.

Does that make sense?

Don’t lose hope of healing for your chronic illness. Keep searching for answers. Continue to try different methods that could help, even though it takes so long to discern if it makes any impact. Look for different doctors who could give input into your condition. Yet at the same time, learn to trust that even if that takes years or you never get back to “normal” — God is still good. He is worthy of your trust and hope.

Hope in Him, despite persisting, seemingly hopeless circumstances. Fight to remain hopeful and pursue healing, but learn to hope in something greater than physical healing. Hope that isn't circumstantial, but a person: a Savior who took on the greatest pain so you might be healed from the separation your sin brought. That is the greatest healing, the most glorious hope, the magnificent reality we can set our eyes towards today.

Hoping against hope is a process, and one I'm still learning. So don't lose heart if you are struggling to remain hopeful. Keep taking your pain and your struggles to the Heavenly Father. Ask Him to help you hope in Him. He loves you more than you know.