Do you ever ask yourself, "What's the point of all this pain?"
I do.
I'm trying two new IV treatments which involve me driving 4.5 hours round trip to my doctor once or twice a week. Phew. The rest of my time is spent recovering from driving and treatment and keeping up with basic tasks! I didn't expect another intense treatment round, so it was a very discouraging idea at first. To me, it's kind of a last-resort type of thing to improve lingering pain/fatigue from my years of chronic lyme, co-infections, and autoimmune issues. Thankfully, I'm stable enough to make this drive (HUGE praise!), even though it's exhausting.
Though from the outside this treatment appears hopeful, I have battled a lot of fear. There are many unknowns. About health. Finances. Future. Whether this will make a difference. And many more things...
Can I be honest? The last five years of my life have been one thing after another. I'm tired of living day-by-day. Tired of all the unknowns, the rollercoaster of symptoms and emotions, the physical overreactions to stress, the sudden inability to push through "normal life"... the forced rest, slow pace, mundane.
I'm weary of it all.
Starting new treatment felt like I was choosing to walk through hell. Again. I was very resistant at first. It is still painful for me to recall the excruciating physical pain and fatigue that's resulted from lyme/co-infection treatment. But often what scares me more than physical symptoms is the accompanying deep depression. It has been a long, strenuous battle.
The planner side of me longs for a future. Things to look forward to and to work towards. I long for some semblance of a normal life. Slowing down again to focus on treatment and live day-by-day was not on my agenda!
Then I remember, how long did the Israelites wander through the wilderness, forced to daily rely on God for the most basic need (of food)?
Forty years.
In that long season, God was proving Himself trustworthy to Israel. Over and over. Through their lack, He was teaching them to lean on Him. This was a work of grace. Even in their anger and accusations against God, He continued to demonstrate His kindness to His people.
And He's doing the same for me. For you.
So what's the point of this pain? While I don't have all the answers, I know it is slowly helping me cling to the God, who deserves my trust. To lean on Him instead of myself. To taste and see that He is good, even when life is not. In the midst of the pain, His kindness and care and gentleness are evident, if I will only open my eyes to it.
God may not feel trustworthy to you right now because of the deep pain and heartache you face. It's ok to wrestle in that way. But He has not abandoned you in your wilderness. He displays His love and care for you in your deepest darkness. And the One who has redeemed you will not let you go. Cling to the Rock, and let Him comfort your heart today.
