Finding Life in the Death of Self

Whether it's laying down a dream, your future, or a deep longing, much of the Christian life involves death. It’s painful. Idols are powerful. Desires are strong. We grasp for control, success, recognition, power, or acceptance—desperately trying to prove ourselves.

But Jesus explains that dying to self is part of our life in Him:

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

Dying to self looks different for each person in particular seasons.

• For the chronic illness sufferer, it may mean giving up future plans and learning to rest with your limitations and spend extensive time doing routine tasks.
• For the young mom, it means changing lots of diapers, endless laundry, and having conversations with a two year old all day.
• For the student with an annoying roommate, it means learning to overlook small things and love them more than yourself. 
• For the elderly person, it could mean investing in kids around you when you'd rather enjoy the free-time and quiet.
• For business person, it could mean sacrificing a promotion because it involves dishonest business ethics.
• For the pastor, it may mean losing your reputation because you did what was right.
• For the missionary, it could look like sharing the gospel for a decade and seeing no tangible fruit.
• For the parent with a prodigal, it may mean giving up your desire to fix their foolish choices and simply pray fervently for them.
• For the person with a broken relationship, it may mean forgiving someone who's hurt you deeply.

While each circumstance involves unique struggles, they all require dying to self. Are you frustrated with the "dying to self" process?  Think of it this way:

"An easygoing, non self-denying life will never be one of power." Hudson Taylor

Do you want your life to radiate the joy and hope of Christ? It doesn't happen when things are easy. God, in His grace, chooses to work through the disappoint, hurt, loss, and self-denial. Because in that process we learn to lay down our hopes, dreams, and even fears.

And the result? We find that Jesus is better.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” Philippians 3:8

This is the beauty in dying to self. Taking up my cross results in great, eternal gain (Phil. 1:21). When we strive to build our own little kingdoms, to fight for what we want, it produces defeat and death. But when we die to self, we find life (Mk 8:35).

Just as a seed has to die in order to grow into a strong, flourishing tree, so we have to die to ourselves for God to produce beautiful fruit.

As much as I want my world to revolve around me, it leaves me empty. Only when I die to myself can I find life and joy. The joy that Jesus really is the greatest treasure. The ultimate satisfaction.

May you find life today in the death of yourself.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

When Life Hurts: Is God Really Enough?

“God is enough.”

You’ve heard this countless times. And so have I.

In theory, I know it’s true. But if I'm honest, I don’t always live as if it is true.

When a day is full of detours and setbacks, or my pain escalates again, or I physically crash, or bad new hits broadside, or everything feels like it's been taken away, and nothing seems to be getting better, I want to give up. I doubt God’s goodness. I don't believe He's enough.

Asking myself, “Is God enough for me?” in the midst of seemingly unbearable circumstances is painful. I want to say “yes”, but I also long for things to get better. I want the promise that I can have both.

Ultimately I want life to go my way.

That is incredibly difficult to admit. I think I deserve happiness or things to be easy and carefree. It’s hard to recognize those sinful desires until something I love is taken away and I get angry or bitter. However, having that temporary fulfillment of things going my way only tempts me find joy in my circumstances. Those things I think will make me happy may actually turn my heart away from God.

Habakkuk also had to ask himself the question, "Is God enough?" Things were quite ugly in his life too. There wasn’t even food—talk about a basic need! Everything was falling apart. It wasn't pretty. Yet in His grace, God brought Habakkuk to a place of joy, despite bleak circumstances:

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.” 3:17-18

In regards to this passage, Matt Chandler comments:

“If Christ is your greatest joy, all circumstances push us towards Him. If He’s not your greatest treasure, then whatever you are ultimately treasuring is at risk of being removed from you. Christ is what can’t be taken from you; everything else can.”

God is working through those miserable circumstances we face today to wean us from our joy in temporary things and find joy in Him. We may not realize that we love God for what He gives us until those things are taken away. It is a tough process, as our idols are unveiled and our desires for comfort, pleasure, success, or whatever else are on display. But it it through this gruesome, refining process that God turns our joy from fleeting pursuits to everlasting joy in Him.

This means that those days full of pain, disappointment, and heartache are the gracious work of God. As we realize how broken and empty the pleasures and happiness of today are, we can find that God really is enough.

I’d Rather Have You

When I was younger, I had plans for what my twenties would look like. Most of those dreams involved marriage, a family, and/or full-time ministry, whether here or in another country. I loved people and was passionate about seeing lasting change in the hearts and lives of others. As I reached my early twenties, I began to think that I would enjoy being in some form of full-time ministry for a while as a single.

On with my plans and goals!

That is, until life came to an abrupt halt. Following a very difficult and stressful season, and a sudden out-of-state move, I found myself on my bed for most of the day. I didn’t know what was wrong, other than the fact that I was debilitatingly exhausted and in pain all the time. I had other symptoms for a while too, but I blew them off. Little did I know that was only the beginning. (To read the story, see my chronic illness journey)

My life still looks drastically different than I ever imagined. In fact, I would have laughed at you if you told me my 60s would look like how my life is right now. I’ve never been one to slow down. I’ve always been active in ministry, work, and serving others.

However, for this season, God has me home almost all the time, resting and treating infections. Frequently I question what God is up to. It’s tempting for me to see this season as a complete waste. I wrestle with not being able to use my gifts and passions or do the things I love.

I wanted life differently.

Despite the difficulties and wrestlings, there’s something I’m learning in this process. And that is what Paul said:

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” (Ph. 3:7-8)

You see, even though most of my time was spent serving and caring for people before, it was easy for me to put my hope there. To see my accomplishments as my personal gain. To think of what I was doing as “my work”. To look to my productivity or others’ approval as the ultimate source of value.

But nothing is better than knowing Christ. That "gain" I had before is nothing. Sometimes God strips things away to show us where our false hope lies, and to redirect us to where true hope is found. When that happens, we can say:

“I'd rather have You, and nothing I desire
Could ever come close to what I have in You.
The treasure that I choose
Is treasure that lasts, because I'd rather have You.”
- I'd Rather Have You

Christ is the ultimate treasure! And if my illness helps me to know and love and treasure Christ more fully, then it is not a waste. It is a blessing.

Tears fill my eyes as I write, because I would never ask for this life, and I would never wish it on anyone. I'm in a season where God is stripping away a lot. Dear reader, if you too are facing something unbearable today, and it makes absolutely no sense what God is doing, there is still hope. Learn to trust the Father through your tears and pain. Know that His pruning is for your benefit and will produce joy (Jn. 15:11). It is a good thing, even though it's excruciatingly painful now.

My prayer is, like the song above, “I’d rather have You God.” I want to desire God more than healing. More than restored relationships. More than a successful job or ministry. More than happiness or comfort. More than life itself.

You and I need God’s grace to get there. Cry out to Him, asking Him to work in your heart through your pain today, so you can find Him more fulfilling than anything else you have ever had.

He will delight to answer that prayer.

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 69

I woke up groggy, in pain, and feeling pretty yucky overall. As the morning progressed, my symptoms only worsened. I found myself feeling more discouraged with my limitations. While this is a common occurrence in my fight to heal from chronic infections, I still quickly find myself discouraged, frustrated, and weary. This is not how I wanted my day to go. My frustrations built up and I began to get angry at the world.

I opened my Bible, even though I didn’t really want to read. And as I read Psalm 69, God used the honesty and difficulty to soften and encourage my weary heart. There you find much struggle. And yet hope.

“Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck
I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.”

I must admit, I have thought very similar things in my battle with chronic illness and in facing the difficulties of life in a fallen world. David feels overwhelmed by his terrible circumstances. He's walking through deep waters, and then to make matters worse, a flood sweeps over! He compares himself to sinking in mud where there is no place to plant his feet. He’s drowning in the depths. He questions if God will even come to deliver him.

But what struck me is that David didn’t allow his doubt and despair to turn him away from God. Instead he turns to God in his pain:

“But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love
answer me in your saving faithfulness.”

This is what you and I need to do when we wake up and everything seems to be going wrong. When that phone call brings heartbreaking news that a friend was killed in a car accident. When that emergency car repair left you broke and you aren’t sure how to pay for groceries the rest of the month. When that doctor’s appointment brings a devastating diagnosis. When all around you seems to be falling apart, and there is no one to help or comfort you.

David understands this. He laments, “Reproaches have broken my heart, so that I am in despair. I looked for pity, but there was none, and for comforters, but I found none.” (v. 20) Do you ever feel completely alone and helpless? Even the divinely-inspired writer of the Psalms did! Yet David continues to cry out to God:

“Deliver me from sinking in the mire;
let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters.
Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Hide not your face from your servant,
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.” (v. 14-17)

In the midst of suffering, it frequently feels like God is far off. So David calls out to God, “Draw near to my soul, redeem me…” (v. 18) He tells God of his distress, even though God already knows and understands everything about him (vs. 19-29). He asks God to save him on the basis of God's faithfulness, love, and mercy (vs. 13, 16).

And then then David remembers where his hope is found. It's not in his circumstances changing, but in God Himself.

“When the humble see it they will be glad;
you who seek God, let your hearts revive.
For the Lord hears the needy
and does not despise his own people who are prisoners." (vs. 32-33)

Even the purpose of God's deliverance is to remind us that HE is the God who saves. Be encouraged that God hears you and that He will answer. Sometimes that answer comes in the form of grace we don't want. "Uncomfortable grace" as Paul Tripp calls it. Nevertheless, it is exactly the grace we need.

"You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for"
-Wonderful, Merciful Savior

Hope Amidst Brokenness

I was a quite naïve and happy little girl. Always smiling, always excited about people and life. I laughed a lot—demonstrated by many childhood pictures where my mouth was open because dad made me laugh. Not much could upset me.

As I grew up, various life circumstances shaped me and taught me that life is not always good. But over the last few years in particular, the reality of life has slammed me. I’ve observed and experienced brokenness everywhere. Both in my heart, in other people, and in the church.

Things aren’t so innocently happy as I once believed. Life has a way of making you keen to the ugliness of the curse. And it can leave you hardened, cynical, and skeptical.

Or it can push you to where true hope is found.

I interned in a residential facility for a year and I saw the destruction of sin and the curse in deeper ways. These women usually had very difficult backgrounds with sometimes unimaginable suffering. Understandably, there was a correlation with that suffering and many sinful life choices. But more than the dominating sin that usually characterized them, I saw myself in those women. I had some of the very same heart issues. And if not for God’s grace, I would be where they were, in bondage to my sin.

This is sobering and difficult. I hate seeing the destruction of sin. I hate having broken relationships. I hate when my sin hurts others. It's tempting for me to grow weary and lose hope in this life.

But isn't that where God wants us?

Not in the sense of wanting to die because life is so miserable, but realizing that this life is not the end-all, and recognizing that true hope and happiness will never be found here on earth.

See, your brokenness, your sin, your struggles—they all are meant to point you to a greater hope that is bigger than the joys of earth. This future hope reminds us that one day everything will be made right, and for the believer, we will experience lasting joy in God (Jn. 16:22).

But more than that, God is weaving something beautiful through the suffering you face today. We can't understand it because we only see the underside of the tapestry. Tim Keller speaks of it in this way:

“Everything sad is going to come untrue and it will somehow be greater for having once been broken and lost.” 

Isn't this a glorious thought? There is hope. Hope when a close friend abandons you. Hope when your health spirals out of control. Hope when someone sins grievously against you. Hope when you fail, again. For the believer, God is redeeming each and every difficult circumstance, every moment of sadness and hurt. And someday it will not only become "untrue", but the joy and gladness will be even sweeter than if we had never suffered. Hard to imagine, isn't it? What hope this gives us as we face the brokenness of life.

By God's grace, He is in the process of transforming those women at Vision of Hope, redeeming their suffering and sin and creating beautiful, spotless children of God. And He is doing the same for me. And for you.

When Your Christmas Isn't Joyful...

Christmas is supposed to be joyful and exciting. The most wonderful time of the year, right? But for many of us, that’s not reality. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, financial strain, ongoing health problems, relational conflict, or whatever else, the weight of life is heavy.

Perhaps you find yourself even more discouraged because no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get that Christmas joy that everyone else appears to have. I've battled that same discouragement this Christmas. Life is not as I would like.

I believe this battle with discouragement is part of living in a broken world, and recognizing that not everything is as wonderful and nostalgic as it was through childhood eyes. We look outward and we see the destruction that sin and the curse causes. We look within and despair at the ongoing sin in us. Everything is messy and hard.

So if you find yourself in that place of discouragement or despair this Christmas, may I offer you hope? The hope that one day Christ will set everything right. One day, there will be no more sin and no more suffering. For those who are believers in Christ, the suffering and sorrow you face today is temporary. Because Emmanuel, God with us, walked among us to conquer sin and death.

Jesus entered your brokenness, and He offers healing and hope for the pain you face today. He is in the process of redeeming your deepest difficulties. Just as Job didn’t understand all his suffering, you may not either, but you can receive mercy and grace for your time of need (Heb. 4:16), comfort for your troubles (2 Cor. 1:4), and hope for your future (1 Pet. 1:3). I don't intend to sound cliche; this is deep truth to anchor on when the storms of life threaten to undo us.

In the meantime, let’s rejoice in the hope that Jesus is with us today, and earnestly pray that the day He reigns and dwells with us eternally will come soon. Come, Lord Jesus!

O Come, Thou King of nations bring
An end to all our suffering
Bid every pain and sorrow cease
And reign now as our Prince of Peace
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come again with us to dwell
O Come O Come Emmanuel, Sovereign Grace

Taste and See!

“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!” Psalm 34:8 (ESV)

Think about what you do when you eat something incredible. It’s the best thing you’ve ever tried. Do you just walk away and think, “Well, that’s was good”? Of course not! Everything else you put in your mouth will be filtered through that one amazing food experience. Nothing will quite satisfy like that delectable food did.

I think this image of tasting in Psalm 34 helps us practically see how knowing God should impact our lives. When we truly taste how good the Lord is, nothing else satisfies in the same way. But what may be the problem for many of us is that we haven’t truly tasted of God. We’ve taken a couple nibbles from God’s table, but by and large feast from the table of the world. Because if we really tasted God, we wouldn’t be so easily satisfied.

So often we content ourselves with enjoying the temporary pleasures of the world—investing time, money, and energy into things that will burn up. We know the pop culture references, the fashion trends, the latest movies, the popular songs. It’s easy to be consumed by things that have no eternal value.

Which leads me to ask, am I pursuing things that increase my love for God? Or are other lesser things filling up my appetite?

I had an opportunity to serve in a year internship at a residential facility for women (Vision of Hope). Vision of Hope has residents go through a season without access to the conveniences of media, phones, and TV, which is very difficult in our technology-dependent age! One of the reasons they do this is to increase delight for God. Because for each one of us, many things demand our attention and can become a distraction, or sometimes even turn us away from God. When we set those distractions aside, it helps us better taste and see God’s goodness.

I’ve heard residents say that taking a break from those things helped them realize how much time they wasted on social media, or how their media choices didn’t increase their delight for God, but instead catered to their sinful desires. It’s a beautiful thing to see God begin to change their desires as they taste His goodness. In fact, it’s contagious, because as they see how beautiful God is, it makes others desire that same thing!

Think about it. If you taste something amazing, do you walk away without saying a word? No. You tell people…and you tell them they need to eat it too! In fact, you probably won’t be content until they just taste it. That’s how restaurants gain popularity. When people love something, they can’t stop talking about it.

That’s the kind of tasting of the Lord that should fill our lives. It should not only deeply impact our lives, but those around us. May we not be content to nibble at God’s table, but may we taste and see that He is good, and may that lead us to share that delight with others!

Originally posted on the Vision of Hope blog.