I’d Rather Have You

When I was younger, I had plans for what my twenties would look like. Most of those dreams involved marriage, a family, and/or full-time ministry, whether here or in another country. I loved people and was passionate about seeing lasting change in the hearts and lives of others. As I reached my early twenties, I began to think that I would enjoy being in some form of full-time ministry for a while as a single.

On with my plans and goals!

That is, until life came to an abrupt halt. Following a very difficult and stressful season, and a sudden out-of-state move, I found myself on my bed for most of the day. I didn’t know what was wrong, other than the fact that I was debilitatingly exhausted and in pain all the time. I had other symptoms for a while too, but I blew them off. Little did I know that was only the beginning. (To read the story, see my chronic illness journey)

My life still looks drastically different than I ever imagined. In fact, I would have laughed at you if you told me my 60s would look like how my life is right now. I’ve never been one to slow down. I’ve always been active in ministry, work, and serving others.

However, for this season, God has me home almost all the time, resting and treating infections. Frequently I question what God is up to. It’s tempting for me to see this season as a complete waste. I wrestle with not being able to use my gifts and passions or do the things I love.

I wanted life differently.

Despite the difficulties and wrestlings, there’s something I’m learning in this process. And that is what Paul said:

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” (Ph. 3:7-8)

You see, even though most of my time was spent serving and caring for people before, it was easy for me to put my hope there. To see my accomplishments as my personal gain. To think of what I was doing as “my work”. To look to my productivity or others’ approval as the ultimate source of value.

But nothing is better than knowing Christ. That "gain" I had before is nothing. Sometimes God strips things away to show us where our false hope lies, and to redirect us to where true hope is found. When that happens, we can say:

“I'd rather have You, and nothing I desire
Could ever come close to what I have in You.
The treasure that I choose
Is treasure that lasts, because I'd rather have You.”
- I'd Rather Have You

Christ is the ultimate treasure! And if my illness helps me to know and love and treasure Christ more fully, then it is not a waste. It is a blessing.

Tears fill my eyes as I write, because I would never ask for this life, and I would never wish it on anyone. I'm in a season where God is stripping away a lot. Dear reader, if you too are facing something unbearable today, and it makes absolutely no sense what God is doing, there is still hope. Learn to trust the Father through your tears and pain. Know that His pruning is for your benefit and will produce joy (Jn. 15:11). It is a good thing, even though it's excruciatingly painful now.

My prayer is, like the song above, “I’d rather have You God.” I want to desire God more than healing. More than restored relationships. More than a successful job or ministry. More than happiness or comfort. More than life itself.

You and I need God’s grace to get there. Cry out to Him, asking Him to work in your heart through your pain today, so you can find Him more fulfilling than anything else you have ever had.

He will delight to answer that prayer.