Letting Go of the List

I’m a list maker. Before chronic illness, I made my daily to-do list, and no matter how much I had to do, I usually was pretty successful, efficient, and managed to complete everything I needed to do. I hated leaving things undone. I hated waiting til the last minute to finish something (in my mind, "last minute" was finishing a college paper the week it was due). ;)

But when pain and fatigue hit hard, everything changed. Granted, I still made to-do lists. But often half the things would be left undone, and I would constantly end the day frustrated and disappointed. I could never attain my own goals and standards, and I hated that. I strongly believed I was just making lists of the bare minimum; they weren’t even lofty goals by that point.

In that process, I had to learn to let things go. I had to practice saying, “no, I can’t do that.” I discovered that it was ok to put off a chore til another day, or to eat simple foods instead of cooking. I could let someone else pick up groceries for me or cook for me. I had to miss out on fun things with friends. It was one of the hardest things for me: to let things go and to be served.

As someone who likes to help others, but hates "burdening others" by being served, I started to feel like I had lost my purpose in life. I believed the lie that my life didn’t have value because I wasn’t doing the things I once could. My perspective was very skewed and self-centered, ironically.

My to-do list is very different right now. It requires taking time to rest when a wave of fatigue or pain hits. It means leaving a project half-finished or taking a break when I desperately just want to complete it. It means spending nearly all my time at home, doing things at a turtle's pace, whereas before I was always on the go. For this season, my life is very mundane.

And I’m slowly learning to be ok with that.

I fought it for a long time (reality check: I still do some days). I hated my limitations. But by God's grace, I’m learning to let go of my plans. Not because it’s bad. Goals are a very important thing! But God is teaching me to hold everything with an open palm, even my good goals. It's sometimes a painful process, but a necessary one.

I'm continually reminded that my worth is not based on how much I do. Because of Christ, I can rest today, knowing that I’m not loved because of my accomplishments, but simply because He loves me! I don’t have to prove myself to God or to anyone else. I can be faithful to do those little things I can do, and leave the rest in His hands. That’s all He asks of me.