Messy Relationships

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last 10 years, it’s that relationships are messy. That’s probably an obvious statement to you. But yes, as a young teen I did have a skewed view of relationships and conflict, despite much solid teaching. I somehow thought that if/when I got married I wouldn’t have conflict because I was a peacemaker and I hated conflict. I could have a good, happy relationship.

I know. I was pretty naïve and did not understand the depths of my own heart issues and struggles. But over the last several years, God has opened my eyes to that reality. He has used relationships—including many broken ones that I had no power to fix—to show me the sinfulness of my heart, teach me it really looks like to love and forgive, and as a result, experience the joy of entering “messiness.”

Life and ministry have taught me that pouring into others often comes at great personal cost: the road of self-denial. It involves being vulnerable and risking being hurt or rejected. Subsequently, there’s a often much pain that comes from loving, knowing, and caring for people.

It has not been an easy journey. I see my own tendencies towards self-pity, bitterness, and self-protection. It can be difficult for me to trust people‘s intentions or to believe they’re sincere. Yet so often, I’m just looking to protect myself from getting hurt.

But Jesus didn’t do that.

He stepped into my messiness and brokenness to free me from my sin at great personal cost. It wasn’t pretty. When He walked on earth, He faced rejection from even His own people (Jn. 1:11). He was misunderstood (Jn. 9:13-16). His acts of love were viewed as contempt (Mt. 12:24). He experienced separation from the Father and the wrath of the Almighty God for my sin (Mt. 27:46, 2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 3:25).

Even though I had no reason for Jesus to love me, He hasn’t given up on me. It is only when I look to Him, when I see His perfect love demonstrated for me at the cross, am I free to love others without fear (1 Jn. 4:19). It doesn’t mean the struggles with sin disappear, but I can battle with hope.

The gospel gives us hope as we enter a new relationship. As we pour into a younger believer. As we allow ourselves to be known by others. Yes, there is tremendous risk in relationships. But the only way to avoid that risk is to withdraw from people completely. As C.S. Lewis wisely articulated:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

We can try to protect ourselves from the messiness and brokenness of relationships. But in that, we will also become hardened and cold and won't be able to love. I hate the possibility of brokenness. But we can’t experience love without risking that. And if Jesus did that for me, how could I not do the same?