When Ministry Falls Short

I work part time at a Christian camp. Since the end of the summer season, I’ve been thinking and processing a lot. It was amazing to watch God work in hearts and lives this summer. But I was reminded of something I've observed many times over the years (even in myself)—we tend to expect church or parachurch or Christian relationships to be easy. Perhaps even sin-free. Ministry is supposed to be a place of compassion, harmony, love, forbearance, and humility… right? 

But instead the very places we expect to experience joy and unity instead bring frustration, conflict, and brokenness.

Why?

The first and most obvious reason is that we live in a broken world, so there will always be disappointments. But we also all carry our sinful hearts with us, and so the worst spills out at some point (Luke 6:45). You can’t hide what’s really going on in your heart—it will overflow eventually. Not only that, but our selfish desires rage war against each other, causing conflict (James 4:1-2). All these things take place everywhere—even ministry.

Does it mean it’s not worth it?

Absolutely not.

Those difficulties, pains, and losses can drive us to where lasting hope is found. They teach us to not put our hope in people. To not expect a perfect church. To not look to ministry service to fulfill us. To not find our identity in what we do or what others think of us. That deep heart work is where God is cultivating His Kingdom, one person at a time. It is redemption in action.

God is building His Kingdom through broken people, broken ministries, and broken churches. Perfection is not the goal. Unity is not even the ultimate goal. But staying centered on the finished work of Jesus until He returns, participating in the spread of the gospel and the building of His Church—that should be our aim.

When We Just Can't Get Along: Personality Clashes and the Gospel

I have a secret: I love Myers-Briggs personality typing. Actually, it’s not much of a secret if you know me well. Figuring out others’ personalities for the sake of more effectively understanding and communicating with them is an odd hobby of mine. Sometimes I get teased about my so-called "obsession" with it.

Intriguing information floods from personality studies. You can find the best career path for your type, what motivates you, how you handle conflict, your typical responses, what energizes you and what stresses you out. You can even learn what other personalities you get along with best.

I think it can be very helpful, and I appreciate the information from MBTI and other studies. But the truth is that it’s not always right. Yes, there's a lot of good to glean from personality studies. However, there’s something that far outweighs personality compatibility, and that is the gospel. You see:

The gospel destroys all barriers.

We often think of the gospel destroying the barriers of race or class. The power to love brothers and sisters who are not like us culturally or ethnically has been provided through the gospel. But did you realize the same goes for personality? Through the gospel, we are supernaturally enabled to love all people—even those with whom we clash personality-wise.

You know what that means? There’s no excuse for failing to love that demanding boss, the messy roommate, the annoying sibling, that person at church I just don’t “click with,” that co-worker or fellow student who always rubs me the wrong way. For if we simply love those who are similar to us, what value does that have? (Mt. 5:46)

Granted, some people are harder to love than others. We will struggle to understand some people. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible or that we have an excuse to give up on them. Rather it is because of the gospel that we can love all people, no matter how different they are from us.

A few of the personalities that I supposedly clash with are actually my closest friends. Yes, it takes hard work. My sister and I are total opposites in many ways (INFP and ESFJ for those who are really curious). Yet those differences are good, and we have learned so much from each other over the years that would not be possible if we were just alike. It’s humbling to set aside my own preferences and learn to love those who are different from me, but it is so rewarding.

I believe Myers-Briggs can be very beneficial, especially when it comes to understanding others, recognizing their strengths, and communicating well with them. But we can also use differences to excuse why we can't talk to someone or why we always argue with that one acquaintance or co-worker. So the next time you find yourself complaining about the personality problems with someone or think you could never get along with a "that person," remember this:

God lavished His love you, so you now have the ability to love others–even those who irk you.

The barriers erected by personality differences have been demolished by the gospel. Perhaps, instead of allowing differences to separate you, you need to humbly love and pursue that person that is difficult. After all, a friendship with someone who is not just like you more clearly magnifies the beauty of the gospel.

And isn't that what we want our lives to shine forth?

Messy Relationships

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last 10 years, it’s that relationships are messy. That’s probably an obvious statement to you. But yes, as a young teen I did have a skewed view of relationships and conflict, despite much solid teaching. I somehow thought that if/when I got married I wouldn’t have conflict because I was a peacemaker and I hated conflict. I could have a good, happy relationship.

I know. I was pretty naïve and did not understand the depths of my own heart issues and struggles. But over the last several years, God has opened my eyes to that reality. He has used relationships—including many broken ones that I had no power to fix—to show me the sinfulness of my heart, teach me it really looks like to love and forgive, and as a result, experience the joy of entering “messiness.”

Life and ministry have taught me that pouring into others often comes at great personal cost: the road of self-denial. It involves being vulnerable and risking being hurt or rejected. Subsequently, there’s a often much pain that comes from loving, knowing, and caring for people.

It has not been an easy journey. I see my own tendencies towards self-pity, bitterness, and self-protection. It can be difficult for me to trust people‘s intentions or to believe they’re sincere. Yet so often, I’m just looking to protect myself from getting hurt.

But Jesus didn’t do that.

He stepped into my messiness and brokenness to free me from my sin at great personal cost. It wasn’t pretty. When He walked on earth, He faced rejection from even His own people (Jn. 1:11). He was misunderstood (Jn. 9:13-16). His acts of love were viewed as contempt (Mt. 12:24). He experienced separation from the Father and the wrath of the Almighty God for my sin (Mt. 27:46, 2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 3:25).

Even though I had no reason for Jesus to love me, He hasn’t given up on me. It is only when I look to Him, when I see His perfect love demonstrated for me at the cross, am I free to love others without fear (1 Jn. 4:19). It doesn’t mean the struggles with sin disappear, but I can battle with hope.

The gospel gives us hope as we enter a new relationship. As we pour into a younger believer. As we allow ourselves to be known by others. Yes, there is tremendous risk in relationships. But the only way to avoid that risk is to withdraw from people completely. As C.S. Lewis wisely articulated:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

We can try to protect ourselves from the messiness and brokenness of relationships. But in that, we will also become hardened and cold and won't be able to love. I hate the possibility of brokenness. But we can’t experience love without risking that. And if Jesus did that for me, how could I not do the same?