The Cost of Unforgiveness (pt 2)

Life certainly has a way of teaching you that forgiveness is a lot more difficult than the childhood struggle of forgiving a sibling who hit you or a friend who wouldn't play with you. Relationships are complicated and often hard. Forgiveness is costly.

I’ve experienced my share of hurt, conflict, and broken relationships, much of which has occurred in the church (see previous post). I've lost close friendships. With other friends, I’ve had to work through deep hurt.

But there's one thing I've learned:

While there is great cost in forgiveness, there is a greater cost for unforgiveness.

This does not mean that forgiveness is easy in any way, shape, or form! It’s inevitable that you will be hurt by other sinners (and you will sin against them too, by the way). It’s part of living in a broken world cursed by sin. It also doesn't mean that forgiveness is a one-time deal or that the feelings or struggles go away. But Scripture warns us:

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matthew 6:14-15

This is terrifying when you ponder its implications. I don't want God to withhold forgiveness from me! God is a gracious Father, and He never commands us to do something that He hasn't given us the power to do. So what would God have us learn from conflict and forgiveness?

The Opportunity of Conflict
If we really understand the depth to which we have been forgiven by God, we will want to forgive others. That doesn't make forgiveness easy, but it does provide the motivation to forgive.

Here's what we miss out on when we refuse to forgive:

“When we reject the opportunity to forgive or ask for forgiveness, the relationship suffers. When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves further down the road to maturity.” Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, Paul Tripp and Timothy Lane

This is an incredible picture. For a long time, I was convinced that conflict = a bad relationship. I thought it was better to have no conflict than to have resolved conflict. Because of this, I carefully avoided conflict. It wasn't really peacemaking though, but a fake kind of peace-facade, where I didn't really deal with issues. I never imagined that biblically resolved conflict could lead to a deeper relationship.

I'm not saying I've suddenly had all these wonderful relationships because I faced conflict head-on. I've had to grapple with this truth in light of ongoing, unresolved conflict I have no power to fix. On the other hand, I have experienced the beauty of deeper relationships because of conflict handled biblically. And I have learned that forgiveness is more for my own heart and relationship with God than it is just to smooth things over or have a "good relationship".

Embracing the Cost
While we know there is cost in refusing to forgive, as well as opportunity in conflict, how do we embrace the cost of forgiveness? Two things that help propel us forward:

1. Look to Jesus. Remember, the price you pay in forgiveness is never as great as what God sacrificed to forgive you (Rom. 5:6-9). When you see the depth of your own sin and the extent to which you've been forgiven, it spurs you on to forgive others (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is not negating justice, but leaving justice to the hands of God (Rom. 12:19).*

2. Choose to love. Usually when we're hurt, the last thing we want to do is show love to someone. I know it is for me! But isn't this what Jesus calls me to do? Choosing to demonstrate love is a way to help bring healing to our hearts (Rom. 12:20-21, Luke 6:27-36).

If you have been sinned against, forgiveness is a high and difficult command. Each situation is unique and there's no way to comprehensively address all that should be done in your situation. But I know this is true: choosing to forgive bears incredible fruit for your own life. 

The next time you experience conflict, weigh the cost of forgiveness and the cost of unforgiveness. Then let the Scriptures guide you into deeper, more mature relationships with others, as you seek to live in light of the forgiveness that God has graciously bestowed on you.

*This is not to imply that you ignore or overlook situations involving abuse or illegal activity. Each situation is unique and requires much wisdom, including reporting things to the proper authorities when necessary. 

The Cost of Forgiveness (pt 1)

I grew up as a pastor's kid, mostly church planting, which moved us around a lot. In the course of 15 years, I lived in eight different cities across six different states. Some of the moves were due to unexpected church conflict, resulting in leaving churches we loved and poured into. We've experienced some extremely ugly church situations that caused significant heartache, grief, and pain.

So I have firsthand experience of the difficulties of church ministry and the costliness of forgiveness.

Unfortunately, those ugly situations aren't unique to my family. Churches don't have the best statistics for keeping their pastors (almost 80% of pastors have had forced resignation, usually due to church conflict). Sadly, statistics for pastors staying in the ministry are also very low; most don't make it five years. Depression stats for pastors and pastors' kids are high. Gossip, slander, and betrayal by church members are all too common.

The church, which is supposed to be a beautiful reflection of Christ, is often filled with just as much conflict and brokenness as the world. Shocking, right?

Why is this? I believe there are three reasons:

1. The Church is Full of Sinners
Redeemed though we are, we are sinners. We sin against one another all the time, whether we mean to or not. Sometimes we expect that the church will be full of beautiful, caring community and deep relationships—and no conflict. While biblical community should characterize us, we will inevitably experience conflict. The question is not whether or not we have conflict, but how we handle it that demonstrates if we represent Christ well.

2. Forgiveness Requires Great Sacrifice
I believe one reason for rampant church conflict is that forgiveness is costly. It is hard to forgive that person who keeps sinning against you, especially when they're a fellow believer. But even God's forgiveness towards us had a great cost. Tim Keller explains:

“...God's grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver.... From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can "just forgive" the perpetrator.... when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the debt. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then, is costly.” 

Forgiveness is daunting and painful because we absorb the cost. Naturally, we want the person who hurt us to suffer for what they've done, especially when it is unjust. Forgiveness involves bearing the cost of someone's sin against you. And that requires the supernatural work of the Spirit in your heart.

3. Conflict Resolution Involves Formidable Effort
Sometimes it's easier to ignore the problem or let the relationship fizzle off, versus working through the difficulty and pain of resolving it. You will find people in the same church that refuse to speak to one another because of bitterness and unresolved conflict. Surprising? It just goes to show that biblical conflict resolution is often much harder than holding onto that bitterness.

Hope for this Difficult Task
Forgiveness may be one of the most difficult and costly things you are called to do. Working through conflict, misunderstandings, and hurt with fellow believers will require humility and sacrifice. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.

No matter how monumental the cost of forgiveness may seem, we know that it is not as costly as God's forgiveness towards us (1 Pet. 2:24). This is where we find great hope! The forgiveness we've encountered through the gospel propels us to forgive others (Col. 3:13). It enables us to pursue peace without putting the pressure for another person's response on what we do, because God alone changes hearts (Rom. 12:18). Even in those difficult situations where reconciliation does not occur, we can trust that justice is in God's hands (Rom. 12:19).

May the gospel motivate us to embrace the cost of forgiveness.

(Stay tuned for part 2!)