As I awoke with pain, I sighed. I’m weary. My weekly headaches are getting old. Countless Lyme treatments are getting discouraging. I’m just feeling “done” with all the thousands of dollars of health investments, bloodwork, and doctor’s appointments.
Yes, health is an investment, and an important one. But sometimes I think we invest in our health to get certain results–to lose weight, to have more energy, to feel better, to feel “normal" again. And when we make those investments with no return, it feels pointless.
The same is true for life and the battle against sin.
What sin do you primarily struggle with? I think we all have at least one… that thing that seems to crouch at the door all the time? Sometimes it feels like it’ll never go away, that no matter how hard we fight it, it’s still right there, reminding us of its presence. It can make it seem like holiness is losing battle. (I don’t say this to negate dependence on Jesus or sanctification, just the reality of how it can feel in a fallen world)
But I think the problem is, we often fight with the motivation of results–not love of God. And that’s something God’s been reminding me of lately.
Honestly, the first thing on my mind when I take my pile of supplements or my daily Lyme tinctures is not love for God and faithfully honoring Him with my limitations and body–it’s a desire to be healed. My response when my Lyme test is still positive 8 years later is a discouraging, “nothing works”.
And the battles with remaining sin can feel the same way.
Granted, hating sin is a good thing. Desiring healing is a good thing. But I have to continually release my grip of attempted control of my life. Continually submit my desires for healing to the God who does what is best for me. Even if that means pain will be by companion until death.
Isn’t that how we should approach our sin too? Let go of the desire to keep the behavior under control or to appear to be doing well in our pursuit of holiness (what an irony!). Instead, we must submit our desires to God. We must ask for His grace and mercy to love and honor Him in our struggle with sin, versus asking Him to take it away.
One day, pain will be a distant memory. Our former battle with sin will be a past reminder of God’s grace and patience with us. Joy will be our constant companion. Brokenness will be restored. All will be made new.
Or as Christopher Ash says, “God is remaking a broken world.”
And that’s where I rest today.
