When Things Don't Change...

As I awoke with pain, I sighed. I’m weary. My weekly headaches are getting old. Countless Lyme treatments are getting discouraging. I’m just feeling “done” with all the thousands of dollars of health investments, bloodwork, and doctor’s appointments. 

Yes, health is an investment, and an important one. But sometimes I think we invest in our health to get certain results–to lose weight, to have more energy, to feel better, to feel “normal" again. And when we make those investments with no return, it feels pointless.

The same is true for life and the battle against sin.

What sin do you primarily struggle with? I think we all have at least one… that thing that seems to crouch at the door all the time? Sometimes it feels like it’ll never go away, that no matter how hard we fight it, it’s still right there, reminding us of its presence. It can make it seem like holiness is losing battle. (I don’t say this to negate dependence on Jesus or sanctification, just the reality of how it can feel in a fallen world)

But I think the problem is, we often fight with the motivation of results–not love of God. And that’s something God’s been reminding me of lately.

Honestly, the first thing on my mind when I take my pile of supplements or my daily Lyme tinctures is not love for God and faithfully honoring Him with my limitations and body–it’s a desire to be healed. My response when my Lyme test is still positive 8 years later is a discouraging, “nothing works”.

And the battles with remaining sin can feel the same way.

Granted, hating sin is a good thing. Desiring healing is a good thing. But I have to continually release my grip of attempted control of my life. Continually submit my desires for healing to the God who does what is best for me. Even if that means pain will be by companion until death.

Isn’t that how we should approach our sin too? Let go of the desire to keep the behavior under control or to appear to be doing well in our pursuit of holiness (what an irony!). Instead, we must submit our desires to God. We must ask for His grace and mercy to love and honor Him in our struggle with sin, versus asking Him to take it away.

One day, pain will be a distant memory. Our former battle with sin will be a past reminder of God’s grace and patience with us. Joy will be our constant companion. Brokenness will be restored. All will be made new.

Or as Christopher Ash says, “God is remaking a broken world.”

And that’s where I rest today.

When Ministry Falls Short

I work part time at a Christian camp. Since the end of the summer season, I’ve been thinking and processing a lot. It was amazing to watch God work in hearts and lives this summer. But I was reminded of something I've observed many times over the years (even in myself)—we tend to expect church or parachurch or Christian relationships to be easy. Perhaps even sin-free. Ministry is supposed to be a place of compassion, harmony, love, forbearance, and humility… right? 

But instead the very places we expect to experience joy and unity instead bring frustration, conflict, and brokenness.

Why?

The first and most obvious reason is that we live in a broken world, so there will always be disappointments. But we also all carry our sinful hearts with us, and so the worst spills out at some point (Luke 6:45). You can’t hide what’s really going on in your heart—it will overflow eventually. Not only that, but our selfish desires rage war against each other, causing conflict (James 4:1-2). All these things take place everywhere—even ministry.

Does it mean it’s not worth it?

Absolutely not.

Those difficulties, pains, and losses can drive us to where lasting hope is found. They teach us to not put our hope in people. To not expect a perfect church. To not look to ministry service to fulfill us. To not find our identity in what we do or what others think of us. That deep heart work is where God is cultivating His Kingdom, one person at a time. It is redemption in action.

God is building His Kingdom through broken people, broken ministries, and broken churches. Perfection is not the goal. Unity is not even the ultimate goal. But staying centered on the finished work of Jesus until He returns, participating in the spread of the gospel and the building of His Church—that should be our aim.

Book Review: The Promise is His Presence

I had the privilege of being part of a book launch for the brand-new book, The Promise is His Presence: Why God is Always Enough, by Glenna Marshall.

Glenna speaks out of much suffering, including two things that resonated deeply with me: chronic illness and church pain. She talks about the many unmet longings we wrestle with in suffering and how it’s easy to believe that if God would grant our heart’s desires (especially good desires!), we would be fulfilled.

And yet through her season of lack, Glenna shares how God’s withholding of good things taught her to cling more closely to Him. She gently, but powerfully, comforts with the promise of God's presence being more than enough. No matter the pain or heartache we face.

Weaving the narrative of Scripture throughout her book, Glenna encourages readers by showing how God’s presence sustains and brings hope in the midst of difficult circumstances. She also shares honest glimpses of how God brought her personally to a place of resting in this truth of God being enough.

I love the way she expresses it in chapter one:

“Whatever plagues your heart with longing cannot be answered satisfactorily outside God’s faithful presence. He might give you every tangible desire you could ever dream up, but if your heart is not satisfied in Him, you will never stop yearning for more.”

Anyone who has suffered will tell you that God met them in deeper ways than they ever encountered in seasons of blessings and fulfillment. They realize the emptiness of temporary things. The truth of God's nearness sustains and strengthens through the darkest of days. His presence is the only place of rest and security.

No matter where you find yourself today, you will find encouragement and hope in this book. Take a moment to order!

Loyal Love

Fear has a way of creeping into our relationships.

It causes us to question people's intentions, to doubt their loyalty, and to push others away to protect ourselves from getting hurt. It makes us unwilling to address conflict. It causes us to react to the tiniest slight or hint of rejection. It evokes anger when someone tries to take what we desperately try to protect. It keeps us from being real or honest with people. It causes us to cling to bitterness when we are deeply hurt.

If we're honest, fear keeps us from loving others.

I too have some very difficult past experiences of betrayal and rejection that still try to impact the way I view myself and others. It takes God's ongoing work of grace in my heart to keep me from living out of fear. So what truth enables me to move past my own fears and love other people more than I long to protect myself from hurt?

I must remember: I can only love others when I rest in the loyal love of God.

God's love for His children is utterly loyal. It is not based on our performance. When we doubt Him or get angry at Him, He doesn't turn away from us. He doesn't give up on us when we sin. He doesn't treat us the way we so often treat others. He pursues us relentlessly. Even when we are unfaithful, He remains faithful (2 Tim. 2:13).

More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is, Your love is
Your love is loyal
You are always there for me
You listen every time I speak
You look into my eyes
See the things I hide
And say that You will never leave
Your promises I can not break
And I know You will never change
-Loyal, Lauren Daigle

This is the One who never fails us. The only perfect, unchanging, loyal friend. Only when we rest in His love can we live without fear. We can find solid ground, because even when other people hurt or fail us, it is not the end of life. No betrayal or rejection (however ugly) can completely defeat us. No matter how badly we are hurt, we have One who will never fail. This love will not let go. What security that brings!

Rest in God's loyal love to you today.

 "May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." 

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Dare to Hope

Life in a broken world is filled with challenges and disappointments. People disappoint us, circumstances disappoint us, we disappoint ourselves... and if we're really honest, at times we feel like God disappoints us.

Hope, therefore, is a crucial part of life. It offers perspective and motivation beyond current pain or challenges, just like a mother can endure the pain of childbirth because she knows the reward of holding her baby will be worth it.

But recurring, failed hope crushes us. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Pr. 13:12).

Has your hope been dashed again and again? Are you waiting on something that still hasn't come? Depression and hopelessness from delayed or failed hope can swallow us. I believe Jeremiah felt it too when he described his troubles in Lamentations:

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.'" Lam. 3:17-18, ESV

It's not wrong to wrestle with hopelessness—it's part of living in a sin-cursed world. But if we stay stuck in the spiral of despair, we will lose motivation to live. 

Jeremiah gives us a beautiful example of what it means to speak the truth to your own heart in the midst of seeming impossibility:

"Yet I stil​l ​dare to hope when I remember this..." Lam. 3:21, NLT

Jeremiah's barely clinging to hope. His desperate circumstances probably make him feel like hope doesn't exist. Yet despite the hopelessness in and around him, he dares to hope in the steadfast love of God. In the One greater than the darkness surrounding him. In the One redeeming the worst of circumstances.

We too need this kind of tenacity. We need to desperately cling to hope outside of ourselves when things are at their worst. In spite of flailing emotions, we need to dare to hope in something, Someone, who is greater than our greatest fears or pain.

Whatever you're facing, dare to hope today in the steadfast love of God. He is the only source of hope that will never fail you.

Confidence When Life is Bleak

Do you ever question whether you can survive another day of pain or heartache, feeling like everything around you is bleak?

It's ok to wrestle with discouragement from the brokenness of life. We all have days where we feel we have no confidence or hope left. But as we face hardship, we have cling to truth in the desperate moments. Hebrews 10:35 encourages us:

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward." 

That phrase strikes me every time. There is reward in persevering and not giving up. The only problem is, while I want to remain confident and hopeful in any form of suffering, the reality is—I’m not. I battle doubt, fear, envy, discouragement, hopelessness, and a host of other things.

But what I love about Hebrews 10 is that it’s not simply a command to do better. It’s not a “Suck it and up and deal with your pain” exhortation. Nor is it a denial of the difficulty. No, there’s something bigger than us that solidifies our hope:

The blood of Jesus gives us complete access to the Father.

Stop and think about that. We have tremendous confidence in suffering because Jesus made a way for us to enter the holy place. (Heb. 10:19)

In the Old Testament, only the high priest could enter the holy place, and just once a year. It required the sacrifice of an animal, representing the blood shed for the sins of the people of God. Jesus fulfilled the sacrificial system by becoming the once-for-all, perfect sacrifice. And in doing so, He destroyed the curtain that separated us from God. This is the foundation of our confidence.

So when you fall into despair, when you sin, when you wrestle with the ongoing trials you face—you have a great High Priest to run to. One who knows and sympathizes with your weaknesses (Heb. 4:15). Don’t turn away from Him because you’re struggling or things are difficult. Run to the throne of grace (Heb. 4:16).

On the days you feel like God has abandoned you or is against you, look to the cross. Jesus shed His own blood to redeem you. To give you complete access to the Father who loves and cares for you. He could not abandon you now.

How does that provide confidence when life is bleak? Because today, we have the ability to draw near to a holy God. We can cry out for grace in our struggles and our failures. Our hope for hanging on is not based on ourselves. And that is a powerful, freeing reality. So then...

"...let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Heb. 10:22-23

Let's turn to God in our weakness and experience His nearness, care, and faithful provision for today.

Finding Life in the Death of Self

Whether it's laying down a dream, your future, or a deep longing, much of the Christian life involves death. It’s painful. Idols are powerful. Desires are strong. We grasp for control, success, recognition, power, or acceptance—desperately trying to prove ourselves.

But Jesus explains that dying to self is part of our life in Him:

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

Dying to self looks different for each person in particular seasons.

• For the chronic illness sufferer, it may mean giving up future plans and learning to rest with your limitations and spend extensive time doing routine tasks.
• For the young mom, it means changing lots of diapers, endless laundry, and having conversations with a two year old all day.
• For the student with an annoying roommate, it means learning to overlook small things and love them more than yourself. 
• For the elderly person, it could mean investing in kids around you when you'd rather enjoy the free-time and quiet.
• For business person, it could mean sacrificing a promotion because it involves dishonest business ethics.
• For the pastor, it may mean losing your reputation because you did what was right.
• For the missionary, it could look like sharing the gospel for a decade and seeing no tangible fruit.
• For the parent with a prodigal, it may mean giving up your desire to fix their foolish choices and simply pray fervently for them.
• For the person with a broken relationship, it may mean forgiving someone who's hurt you deeply.

While each circumstance involves unique struggles, they all require dying to self. Are you frustrated with the "dying to self" process?  Think of it this way:

"An easygoing, non self-denying life will never be one of power." Hudson Taylor

Do you want your life to radiate the joy and hope of Christ? It doesn't happen when things are easy. God, in His grace, chooses to work through the disappoint, hurt, loss, and self-denial. Because in that process we learn to lay down our hopes, dreams, and even fears.

And the result? We find that Jesus is better.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” Philippians 3:8

This is the beauty in dying to self. Taking up my cross results in great, eternal gain (Phil. 1:21). When we strive to build our own little kingdoms, to fight for what we want, it produces defeat and death. But when we die to self, we find life (Mk 8:35).

Just as a seed has to die in order to grow into a strong, flourishing tree, so we have to die to ourselves for God to produce beautiful fruit.

As much as I want my world to revolve around me, it leaves me empty. Only when I die to myself can I find life and joy. The joy that Jesus really is the greatest treasure. The ultimate satisfaction.

May you find life today in the death of yourself.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

To the One Sick of Enduring...

Dear weary one,

I don't know exactly what you're walking through, but I sympathize with your agony and desperation. Life is unbearably hard sometimes. There are days it doesn't seem worth it to face the ongoing pain of suffering, health problems, relationships, ministry, or life.

It’s normal to be weary and want the suffering to end. The Psalmist himself wrestled:

“I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; 
I drench my couch with my weeping.” Psalm 6:6

Some days I’m weary with the cost too. The cost of following Christ. The cost of cross-bearing.

It’s ok to struggle. To be tired of enduring. But don’t give up. Look up.

"When I am weary with the cost
I see the triumph of the cross
So in its shadow I shall run
Til you complete the work begun"
When Trials Come

Looking to Jesus and His finished work on the cross propels us to endure when all around seems hopeless (Heb. 12:3). He gives us hope to continue to do what's right when we can't see results (Gal. 6:9). God also uses those desperate circumstances to teach us to rely on Him (2 Cor. 1:8-9). If we endure, we will reign with Him (2 Tim. 2:12).

And you know what else? Jesus promises rest in the midst of your heavy burdens and weariness:

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

The gospel brings freedom from sin, purpose to our pain, and glorious future hope. May the triumph of the cross, the truth that Jesus faced the worst suffering on your behalf to save you from eternal suffering, give hope to you in your weariness today.

God provides fresh grace to endure the challenges of each day. He holds you fast when all you want to do is give up. Don't lose heart: He is redeeming and restoring. There is purpose in the heartache and brokenness. If you find yourself sick of enduring today, look to Jesus to find rest and hope.

- A fellow traveler seeking to endure

When You Feel Condemned...

We’re all prone to self-condemnation to some extent. Whether it’s from an unrealistic, perfectionistic standard, heaping guilt on ourselves for not doing enough, or wallowing in our failures and sins, it’s easy to get caught in lies of self-condemnation that scream, "You're not good enough!"

I've noticed self-condemnation emerge more during chronic illness. It's so tempting to compare to where I think I should be physically, how much I think I should be able to handle, how I still have the same sinful attitudes and responses, and get stuck in an endless cycle that only leads to deeper discouragement.

Whether I'm working through idols and sinful responses or simply navigating life with limitations, the Enemy likes to use those struggles to make me lose hope. There is a verse from Before the Throne that has been a great encouragement to me when I get stuck in self-condemnation:

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me

It is natural to despair when we create a perfectionistic standard for ourselves, think we're not doing enough, or see that we're still battling the same sin. The truth is, you and I aren't good enough. Yet the hope is we don't have to be.

Freedom from Condemnation
If you are a believer, no matter what you’ve done, you have a Savior who has made an end to all your sin—past, present, and future. You don’t have to define yourself by your past—God sees Jesus’s righteousness when He looks at you (2 Cor. 5:21). You also don't have to define yourself by your accomplishments (or subsequent lack of)—your worth is found in Christ.

What are you "stuck on" today? What perceived (or real) failure is feeding your self-condemnation? Shift your focus from all you're not doing and all the ways you don't measure up, and turn your eyes to Jesus. Look to the One who made an end to all your sin, who says it's not your performance that makes you right with God, but Jesus' performance that makes you clean. This is why there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1).

When you're spiraling into despair because of the lies, look to see what the gospel really says about you. God is greater than the lies of self-condemnation (1 Jn. 3:20). Let the gospel guide your situation and direct your responsibilities as a redeemed child of God. If the fog is too thick for you to distinguish the lies from the truth, ask a friend to help you see what is true.

Instead of getting lost in the lies of self-condemnation, let's turn our hearts to the God who loves us unconditionally, and rejoice in this hope today: "The Lord redeems the life of His servants; none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned." Psalm 34:22

The Cost of Unforgiveness (pt 2)

Life certainly has a way of teaching you that forgiveness is a lot more difficult than the childhood struggle of forgiving a sibling who hit you or a friend who wouldn't play with you. Relationships are complicated and often hard. Forgiveness is costly.

I’ve experienced my share of hurt, conflict, and broken relationships, much of which has occurred in the church (see previous post). I've lost close friendships. With other friends, I’ve had to work through deep hurt.

But there's one thing I've learned:

While there is great cost in forgiveness, there is a greater cost for unforgiveness.

This does not mean that forgiveness is easy in any way, shape, or form! It’s inevitable that you will be hurt by other sinners (and you will sin against them too, by the way). It’s part of living in a broken world cursed by sin. It also doesn't mean that forgiveness is a one-time deal or that the feelings or struggles go away. But Scripture warns us:

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Matthew 6:14-15

This is terrifying when you ponder its implications. I don't want God to withhold forgiveness from me! God is a gracious Father, and He never commands us to do something that He hasn't given us the power to do. So what would God have us learn from conflict and forgiveness?

The Opportunity of Conflict
If we really understand the depth to which we have been forgiven by God, we will want to forgive others. That doesn't make forgiveness easy, but it does provide the motivation to forgive.

Here's what we miss out on when we refuse to forgive:

“When we reject the opportunity to forgive or ask for forgiveness, the relationship suffers. When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense; it actually moves further down the road to maturity.” Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, Paul Tripp and Timothy Lane

This is an incredible picture. For a long time, I was convinced that conflict = a bad relationship. I thought it was better to have no conflict than to have resolved conflict. Because of this, I carefully avoided conflict. It wasn't really peacemaking though, but a fake kind of peace-facade, where I didn't really deal with issues. I never imagined that biblically resolved conflict could lead to a deeper relationship.

I'm not saying I've suddenly had all these wonderful relationships because I faced conflict head-on. I've had to grapple with this truth in light of ongoing, unresolved conflict I have no power to fix. On the other hand, I have experienced the beauty of deeper relationships because of conflict handled biblically. And I have learned that forgiveness is more for my own heart and relationship with God than it is just to smooth things over or have a "good relationship".

Embracing the Cost
While we know there is cost in refusing to forgive, as well as opportunity in conflict, how do we embrace the cost of forgiveness? Two things that help propel us forward:

1. Look to Jesus. Remember, the price you pay in forgiveness is never as great as what God sacrificed to forgive you (Rom. 5:6-9). When you see the depth of your own sin and the extent to which you've been forgiven, it spurs you on to forgive others (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is not negating justice, but leaving justice to the hands of God (Rom. 12:19).*

2. Choose to love. Usually when we're hurt, the last thing we want to do is show love to someone. I know it is for me! But isn't this what Jesus calls me to do? Choosing to demonstrate love is a way to help bring healing to our hearts (Rom. 12:20-21, Luke 6:27-36).

If you have been sinned against, forgiveness is a high and difficult command. Each situation is unique and there's no way to comprehensively address all that should be done in your situation. But I know this is true: choosing to forgive bears incredible fruit for your own life. 

The next time you experience conflict, weigh the cost of forgiveness and the cost of unforgiveness. Then let the Scriptures guide you into deeper, more mature relationships with others, as you seek to live in light of the forgiveness that God has graciously bestowed on you.

*This is not to imply that you ignore or overlook situations involving abuse or illegal activity. Each situation is unique and requires much wisdom, including reporting things to the proper authorities when necessary. 

The Cost of Forgiveness (pt 1)

I grew up as a pastor's kid, mostly church planting, which moved us around a lot. In the course of 15 years, I lived in eight different cities across six different states. Some of the moves were due to unexpected church conflict, resulting in leaving churches we loved and poured into. We've experienced some extremely ugly church situations that caused significant heartache, grief, and pain.

So I have firsthand experience of the difficulties of church ministry and the costliness of forgiveness.

Unfortunately, those ugly situations aren't unique to my family. Churches don't have the best statistics for keeping their pastors (almost 80% of pastors have had forced resignation, usually due to church conflict). Sadly, statistics for pastors staying in the ministry are also very low; most don't make it five years. Depression stats for pastors and pastors' kids are high. Gossip, slander, and betrayal by church members are all too common.

The church, which is supposed to be a beautiful reflection of Christ, is often filled with just as much conflict and brokenness as the world. Shocking, right?

Why is this? I believe there are three reasons:

1. The Church is Full of Sinners
Redeemed though we are, we are sinners. We sin against one another all the time, whether we mean to or not. Sometimes we expect that the church will be full of beautiful, caring community and deep relationships—and no conflict. While biblical community should characterize us, we will inevitably experience conflict. The question is not whether or not we have conflict, but how we handle it that demonstrates if we represent Christ well.

2. Forgiveness Requires Great Sacrifice
I believe one reason for rampant church conflict is that forgiveness is costly. It is hard to forgive that person who keeps sinning against you, especially when they're a fellow believer. But even God's forgiveness towards us had a great cost. Tim Keller explains:

“...God's grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver.... From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can "just forgive" the perpetrator.... when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the debt. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then, is costly.” 

Forgiveness is daunting and painful because we absorb the cost. Naturally, we want the person who hurt us to suffer for what they've done, especially when it is unjust. Forgiveness involves bearing the cost of someone's sin against you. And that requires the supernatural work of the Spirit in your heart.

3. Conflict Resolution Involves Formidable Effort
Sometimes it's easier to ignore the problem or let the relationship fizzle off, versus working through the difficulty and pain of resolving it. You will find people in the same church that refuse to speak to one another because of bitterness and unresolved conflict. Surprising? It just goes to show that biblical conflict resolution is often much harder than holding onto that bitterness.

Hope for this Difficult Task
Forgiveness may be one of the most difficult and costly things you are called to do. Working through conflict, misunderstandings, and hurt with fellow believers will require humility and sacrifice. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.

No matter how monumental the cost of forgiveness may seem, we know that it is not as costly as God's forgiveness towards us (1 Pet. 2:24). This is where we find great hope! The forgiveness we've encountered through the gospel propels us to forgive others (Col. 3:13). It enables us to pursue peace without putting the pressure for another person's response on what we do, because God alone changes hearts (Rom. 12:18). Even in those difficult situations where reconciliation does not occur, we can trust that justice is in God's hands (Rom. 12:19).

May the gospel motivate us to embrace the cost of forgiveness.

(Stay tuned for part 2!)

How Illness can be More Fruitful than Health

If you had asked me a year or two ago if chronic illness could be more useful or fruitful than health, I would've replied, "No way!" Now of course, I never would tell that to a suffering person. But I definitely thought it regarding my own health problems.

Sickness greatly hinders my productivity. It keeps me from serving and ministry. It prevents participation in church life. It creates a huge financial burden on others I become dependent on. Ongoing sickness seems like a complete waste of time. 

This was my perception of my chronic illness. Spurgeon challenged me in his statement:

“Sickness has frequently been of more use to the saints of God than health has.”

Charles Spurgeon didn't just say this out of naivety. He experienced ongoing health problems and depression. His wife fought chronic illness and couldn't leave home to hear him preach for an extended period.

By God's grace, there are many things I’m continually learning about His work through sickness and suffering. I hope it will encourage you too, no matter the form of suffering you face.

Five ways chronic illness can be more fruitful than health:

1. Illness directs you to greater dependence on God. (2 Cor. 12:9-10) Often when we are well, we are incredibly self-sufficient, even though we desire to be dependent on God. Have you comes to grips with your own weakness and inability through illness or pain? This tumultuous, trying season helps point to your daily need for God. And what a beautiful thing, when in your weakness, His strength shines through.


2. Illness cultivates compassion on others who are suffering. (2 Cor. 1:3-7) Did you formerly walk by those who were suffering without much thought about how you could help or encourage them? Or perhaps you came across harsh to those you were trying to help. I have been guilty of this. Illness cultivates compassion for others who are hurting. So in essence, your sickness is making you more like Jesus!


3. Illness tests and reveals your heart. (Deut. 8:2) Just as God tested the Israelites in the desert to show them what was in their hearts, He often uses suffering to reveal what is in ours. And it's not usually very pretty. There is hope though, because whenever we are faced with the ugliness of our sin, we can confess that and find cleansing and freedom through Jesus. As your sin is on display through illness, run to Jesus, letting Him transform your heart and make you more like Him.


4. Illness pushes you to find your identity in Christ. (Col. 3:3) Has this sudden loss of everything has made you feel like you are no longer the same person? Me too. What's encouraged me is that what I can or can't do does not change who I am. Accomplishments, success, relationships, a job, or ministry do not give us purpose and meaning. Our purpose in life is found in being united with Christ. 


5. Illness reminds you that heaven is coming. (Eph. 1:11-14) We have an glorious inheritance ahead of us! The trials of today seem eternal. But they are not. If sickness can wean us from our attachment to the world and help us long for heaven, then it is producing great fruit in us. This future-oriented perspective makes us more effective in life and ministry.

I have wrestled with the purpose of my own extended season of chronic illness. I’ve frequently wondered, “How would my isolation and illness possibly be of more use than health?” But this season is not wasted. Not for you and not for me. In fact, you may look back on it and find that it was the most fruitful, growing season in your life. Take heart. God is using this difficulty in ways you cannot yet see.

Take Me Back to the Good Ol' Days

“Wish we could turn back time to the good old days…” Twenty One Pilots

All of us have natural tendencies to be past, present, or future oriented. None of these ways of looking at the world are wrong in and of themselves. In fact, unique perspectives provide different strengths and insights into life. Diversity is a beautiful thing.

Over the last few years of chronic illness and difficulties, I’ve identified a strong tendency to be past-oriented. I look back five or more years ago and remember how great life was—how much I enjoyed work, people, and life. I remember how passionate and eager I was to impact the world.

Those were the “good ol’ days”.

There is wisdom in remembering the past. God often warned Israel that their complaining and unfaithfulness was due to forgetting. But interestingly, the Israelites were actually looking back and remembering something. Yet not in the way God intended:

“And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness, and the people of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Exodus 16:2-3

Israel looked back on their slavery, and all they could see was that they had plenty of food. They looked back on their bondage with a type of nostalgia that it was better than their current circumstances. Instead of seeing God's faithfulness in delivering them, they could only focus on their perceived losses.

I'm far too like the Israelites than I'd care to admit. In my efforts to look back and remember something happy, I’m not always considering God’s faithfulness, but rather using it as an excuse to gripe about my current circumstances (this isn’t fair) or bemoan in self-pity (why me?).

“And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp.” Numbers 11:1

God’s anger burned against Israel in their complaining and caused some of them to die! That’s pretty strong. But they still didn't relent...

“And the people of Israel also wept again and said, “Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at.” Numbers 11:4b-6

If you battle chronic illness, you know how tempting it is to look back on how life was before and to long for that again. Wanting to be healthy or involved in normal life is not wrong. Grieving the loss is ok. Maintaining hope for healing is crucial. But if looking back to how life was before sickness leads you to complain and get angry with God, that is not the kind of remembering God intends. It is sin.

I struggle with this too. Life is not how I would like it, and it’s easy for me to get stuck seeing all the negative. If you've been there, the gospel gives us hope if we confess our sin of complaining. We don't have to face the the anger of the Lord because Jesus bore His wrath on our behalf. But God didn't save us to let us remain in our sin. He graciously brings conviction that we might turn away from it and turn to Him, finding freedom and hope.

As we look to the past, let's be careful that we are remembering God’s faithfulness and goodness, leading to gratitude, and not complaining about our losses.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds." Psalm 77:11-12

When You Feel Empty

Do you feel empty today? Overwhelmed by the pressures of life? Worn out from never-ending, dismal circumstances? The uncertainty of your health? Feeling like you're as low as you could possibly be?

You're not alone. Charles Spurgeon is one of the many believers who felt the as you do. Yet he had something insightful to say:

Charles Spurgeon battled depression pretty much his whole life. Yet he is considered one of the greatest preachers of the 19th century. Why? Not because he had his life together, but because in his weakness and frailty, God used him. Spurgeon learned through his depression to lean more heavily on God, to fight the fear and despair with faith, and to persevere through the hard of life in a broken, sin-cursed world.

This encourages me when the lies attack...

• "My weaknesses and struggles make me ineffective and unqualified to minister to or encourage others."
• "It’s wrong for me to write or tell others something when I struggle to believe the same truths myself."

But as I was reminded by a friend recently, those struggles are exactly the reason it matters. I don’t have my life together. I’m a sinner just like you who needs grace to make it through today. My story or avenue of writing isn’t about my successes or my victories, but my daily need for Jesus.

It’s tempting for young people to be self-sufficient because we have energy and drive. I know I was (and let's be honest, I still am sometimes!). Chronic illness humbled me and made me more dependent on God and others. While that was extremely difficult and pride-shattering, it has been one of the best things that has happened to me.

Without emptiness, without my struggles, without my chronic illness, and most importantly, without God’s grace to hold and keep me, I would not be where I am today. I would be a proud, self-sufficient person lacking grace for others who are hurting. I would not grasp the depth of my sin. I would not have compassion for those struggling. Remarkably, God uses those very things we despise to deeply work in our hearts and to display His power:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Cor. 4:7-10

You may feel that you can't get any lower. Consider this: God is using your emptiness to prepare you for being filled and to transform you into something beautiful. The Enemy desires our struggles and suffering to render us ineffective in the Kingdom. But God wants to redeem those losses, battles against remaining sin, and weaknesses to shine forth His incomparable power and unsurpassable worth.

Let God show Himself strong through your emptiness and weakness.

When We Just Can't Get Along: Personality Clashes and the Gospel

I have a secret: I love Myers-Briggs personality typing. Actually, it’s not much of a secret if you know me well. Figuring out others’ personalities for the sake of more effectively understanding and communicating with them is an odd hobby of mine. Sometimes I get teased about my so-called "obsession" with it.

Intriguing information floods from personality studies. You can find the best career path for your type, what motivates you, how you handle conflict, your typical responses, what energizes you and what stresses you out. You can even learn what other personalities you get along with best.

I think it can be very helpful, and I appreciate the information from MBTI and other studies. But the truth is that it’s not always right. Yes, there's a lot of good to glean from personality studies. However, there’s something that far outweighs personality compatibility, and that is the gospel. You see:

The gospel destroys all barriers.

We often think of the gospel destroying the barriers of race or class. The power to love brothers and sisters who are not like us culturally or ethnically has been provided through the gospel. But did you realize the same goes for personality? Through the gospel, we are supernaturally enabled to love all people—even those with whom we clash personality-wise.

You know what that means? There’s no excuse for failing to love that demanding boss, the messy roommate, the annoying sibling, that person at church I just don’t “click with,” that co-worker or fellow student who always rubs me the wrong way. For if we simply love those who are similar to us, what value does that have? (Mt. 5:46)

Granted, some people are harder to love than others. We will struggle to understand some people. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible or that we have an excuse to give up on them. Rather it is because of the gospel that we can love all people, no matter how different they are from us.

A few of the personalities that I supposedly clash with are actually my closest friends. Yes, it takes hard work. My sister and I are total opposites in many ways (INFP and ESFJ for those who are really curious). Yet those differences are good, and we have learned so much from each other over the years that would not be possible if we were just alike. It’s humbling to set aside my own preferences and learn to love those who are different from me, but it is so rewarding.

I believe Myers-Briggs can be very beneficial, especially when it comes to understanding others, recognizing their strengths, and communicating well with them. But we can also use differences to excuse why we can't talk to someone or why we always argue with that one acquaintance or co-worker. So the next time you find yourself complaining about the personality problems with someone or think you could never get along with a "that person," remember this:

God lavished His love you, so you now have the ability to love others–even those who irk you.

The barriers erected by personality differences have been demolished by the gospel. Perhaps, instead of allowing differences to separate you, you need to humbly love and pursue that person that is difficult. After all, a friendship with someone who is not just like you more clearly magnifies the beauty of the gospel.

And isn't that what we want our lives to shine forth?

Encouragement Where You Least Expect It

Encouragement can come from the most unlikely places.

I served in a one-year internship with Vision of Hope, a residential facility for women seeking biblical help from life-dominating sins. I was there to serve and encourage the women seeking help. But in turn, those women encouraged and challenged me in my walk with God in so many ways they never even realized.

• Because as they struggled with sin, I remembered how deeply rooted my struggle was with sin, and how it was not easily overcome.
• As I watched them learn how to deal with the hard situations in life and not run from them, I was challenged to continue persevering in my difficult circumstances.
• As I spoke truth to the women when they were struggling, it was I who needed to hear those exact same truths.
• As God redeemed and healed their broken pasts and sin, God was in the process of doing the same with me.

You see, as long as we’re on earth, we never “make it” to perfection. We never stop battling sin. Things never get easy on the spiritual war front.

But that’s where the body of Christ comes in. As we strive together, we can encourage, exhort, and challenge one another. Just as Hebrews tells us to do.

“But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called 'today,' that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” Hebrews 3:13

Sin is deceitful and our own hearts are too (Jer. 17:9). We need brothers and sisters around us who will help point out sin in our lives, who will challenge us when we are going astray, who will exhort and encourage us to persevere when it is hard.

But sometimes that encouragement and exhortation can come from the most unlikely places. Don’t look down on others who may be in a different place than you spiritually. God can use them to impact you in more ways than you know.

So to the women who are working hard to fight their sin and complete the program at Vision of Hope (or who have finished!), I admire you. Your faithfulness has encouraged me significantly, and I am grateful for how God is transforming and using each of you.

I’d Rather Have You

When I was younger, I had plans for what my twenties would look like. Most of those dreams involved marriage, a family, and/or full-time ministry, whether here or in another country. I loved people and was passionate about seeing lasting change in the hearts and lives of others. As I reached my early twenties, I began to think that I would enjoy being in some form of full-time ministry for a while as a single.

On with my plans and goals!

That is, until life came to an abrupt halt. Following a very difficult and stressful season, and a sudden out-of-state move, I found myself on my bed for most of the day. I didn’t know what was wrong, other than the fact that I was debilitatingly exhausted and in pain all the time. I had other symptoms for a while too, but I blew them off. Little did I know that was only the beginning. (To read the story, see my chronic illness journey)

My life still looks drastically different than I ever imagined. In fact, I would have laughed at you if you told me my 60s would look like how my life is right now. I’ve never been one to slow down. I’ve always been active in ministry, work, and serving others.

However, for this season, God has me home almost all the time, resting and treating infections. Frequently I question what God is up to. It’s tempting for me to see this season as a complete waste. I wrestle with not being able to use my gifts and passions or do the things I love.

I wanted life differently.

Despite the difficulties and wrestlings, there’s something I’m learning in this process. And that is what Paul said:

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” (Ph. 3:7-8)

You see, even though most of my time was spent serving and caring for people before, it was easy for me to put my hope there. To see my accomplishments as my personal gain. To think of what I was doing as “my work”. To look to my productivity or others’ approval as the ultimate source of value.

But nothing is better than knowing Christ. That "gain" I had before is nothing. Sometimes God strips things away to show us where our false hope lies, and to redirect us to where true hope is found. When that happens, we can say:

“I'd rather have You, and nothing I desire
Could ever come close to what I have in You.
The treasure that I choose
Is treasure that lasts, because I'd rather have You.”
- I'd Rather Have You

Christ is the ultimate treasure! And if my illness helps me to know and love and treasure Christ more fully, then it is not a waste. It is a blessing.

Tears fill my eyes as I write, because I would never ask for this life, and I would never wish it on anyone. I'm in a season where God is stripping away a lot. Dear reader, if you too are facing something unbearable today, and it makes absolutely no sense what God is doing, there is still hope. Learn to trust the Father through your tears and pain. Know that His pruning is for your benefit and will produce joy (Jn. 15:11). It is a good thing, even though it's excruciatingly painful now.

My prayer is, like the song above, “I’d rather have You God.” I want to desire God more than healing. More than restored relationships. More than a successful job or ministry. More than happiness or comfort. More than life itself.

You and I need God’s grace to get there. Cry out to Him, asking Him to work in your heart through your pain today, so you can find Him more fulfilling than anything else you have ever had.

He will delight to answer that prayer.

Messy Relationships

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last 10 years, it’s that relationships are messy. That’s probably an obvious statement to you. But yes, as a young teen I did have a skewed view of relationships and conflict, despite much solid teaching. I somehow thought that if/when I got married I wouldn’t have conflict because I was a peacemaker and I hated conflict. I could have a good, happy relationship.

I know. I was pretty naïve and did not understand the depths of my own heart issues and struggles. But over the last several years, God has opened my eyes to that reality. He has used relationships—including many broken ones that I had no power to fix—to show me the sinfulness of my heart, teach me it really looks like to love and forgive, and as a result, experience the joy of entering “messiness.”

Life and ministry have taught me that pouring into others often comes at great personal cost: the road of self-denial. It involves being vulnerable and risking being hurt or rejected. Subsequently, there’s a often much pain that comes from loving, knowing, and caring for people.

It has not been an easy journey. I see my own tendencies towards self-pity, bitterness, and self-protection. It can be difficult for me to trust people‘s intentions or to believe they’re sincere. Yet so often, I’m just looking to protect myself from getting hurt.

But Jesus didn’t do that.

He stepped into my messiness and brokenness to free me from my sin at great personal cost. It wasn’t pretty. When He walked on earth, He faced rejection from even His own people (Jn. 1:11). He was misunderstood (Jn. 9:13-16). His acts of love were viewed as contempt (Mt. 12:24). He experienced separation from the Father and the wrath of the Almighty God for my sin (Mt. 27:46, 2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 3:25).

Even though I had no reason for Jesus to love me, He hasn’t given up on me. It is only when I look to Him, when I see His perfect love demonstrated for me at the cross, am I free to love others without fear (1 Jn. 4:19). It doesn’t mean the struggles with sin disappear, but I can battle with hope.

The gospel gives us hope as we enter a new relationship. As we pour into a younger believer. As we allow ourselves to be known by others. Yes, there is tremendous risk in relationships. But the only way to avoid that risk is to withdraw from people completely. As C.S. Lewis wisely articulated:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

We can try to protect ourselves from the messiness and brokenness of relationships. But in that, we will also become hardened and cold and won't be able to love. I hate the possibility of brokenness. But we can’t experience love without risking that. And if Jesus did that for me, how could I not do the same?

Entering the Darkness

Incarnation. What a stunning word.

The infinite, eternal Jesus humbled Himself in the deepest possible way: He cloaked Himself in human flesh.

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14

This is a glorious picture. Jesus "tabernacled" or "dwelt" among us sinful human beings. Jesus willingly endured shameful treatment, wrong accusations, hateful words, rejection, and ultimately, the Father's wrath. He fully entered our brokenness and sinful state to provide redemption.

When I ponder the incredible humility of Jesus, I’m humbled because I don’t always like stepping into others’ lives, bringing loving truth or gentle correction. It’s hard. Bearing burdens, facing hurts, and experiencing rejection is not easy. There are times my flesh wants to run from that.

Yet when I look to Jesus, I wonder that the perfect, all-knowing God would step into my brokenness, foreseeing what He would endure. He had infinitely more reasons to refuse to enter the darkness our sin had brought. Jesus also didn’t receive the approval, the recognition, and the affirmation that often motivate our actions to help others. He didn't demand the love and reverence He deserved. He was worthy of the worship of all, and He didn’t receive it from His own people. In fact, it was the opposite (Jn. 1:11).

But Jesus came. Because of that, we who are believers in Christ have been forgiven and adopted. This is the hope and joy of the incarnation!

"In our longing, in our darkness
Now the light of life has come!
Look to Christ, who condescended
Took on flesh to ransom us."
Come Behold the Wondrous Mystery

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Ministry is a beautiful, wonderful gift from God. But it is often met with much disappointment, hurt, and heartache. Growing up in a pastor’s family, I had countless opportunities for church and life ministry. It produced a lot of joy. But I also realized that the hardest ministry is often the ministry right in front of you.

It’s the choice to love someone who's hurt you deeply over and over.
It’s sharing the gospel with the neighbor who still hasn’t responded.
It’s using your time to serve others rather than pursue selfish gain or pleasure.
It’s gently speaking truth to someone caught in sin.
It’s sacrificing for your family when you don’t feel like it.
It’s serving your church in an unnoticed role.
It’s reaching out to someone who has rejected you. 
It’s honoring and obeying your parents when they aren’t “worthy” of honor.
It’s loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
It’s looking for ways to encourage the younger Christian who annoys you.
It’s secret giving that blesses others.
It’s forgiving someone when you want to hang on to bitterness.

As much as we would like to think ministry is a walk in the park, the truth is, ministry is hard. People misunderstand you, hurt you, and reject you. That friend you counsel may suddenly ignore your advice and refuse to speak to you. The family member you’ve been working hard to reach out to may never respond. The way you serve in your local church may be met with more criticism than appreciation.

How can you continue to love and minister to others when this happens? It’s much more tempting to become cynical of all ministry and people. One thing I’ve learned is that persevering, sacrificial ministry can’t happen when your hope is in people. Most of my disappointment in ministry has been due to how others have treated me. The people you invest in may turn on you. Someone you care about may sin grievously against you. The people you trusted may prove to be untrustworthy. When people hurt you, the natural temptation is to give up on them out of self-protection.

So when the disappointments of ministry hit, you must put your hope in God. He is the only true Refuge when the brokenness of our world and the sinfulness of our hearts and other people’s swallow us. He has loved you with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3). He pursued you when you hated and rejected Him. He never fails you or gives up on you (Deut. 32:4, 2 Tim. 2:13).

God’s love for us demonstrated in the gospel gives us the motivation to love and minister to others unconditionally. When the reality of life-on-life ministry hits us square in the face and makes us want to live in an isolated cabin for the rest of our lives, we must run back to the cross. That is the only way we can love without growing weary (Heb. 12:3).

So the next time a friend rejects you or you have to forgive someone again, remember that Jesus faced the ultimate rejection and suffering for your sake. Ask God to give you the grace to continue to love and serve those around you, no matter how they respond. Ask God to help you put your hope in Him.

This is where the rubber meets the road in ministry, and while it is never an easy road, it is one that can be met with much joy.

 “If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.” 
John Piper, Don’t Waste Your Life