Making Sense of Pain

There are days when I wake up in deep pain (worse than the norm) or points in the day when I suddenly find my pain escalating. Often in those moments my mind spins on a hamster wheel:

Did I eat something wrong?
Is my treatment worsening symptoms?
Did I over-exert myself yesterday?
Is it just a Lyme flare?

My mind starts this endless cycle, trying to make sense of my suffering. I want to understand, as if it will somehow make me ok with what's happening.

It’s helpful to recognize patterns and to determine if certain things you eat, take, or do help or hinder your progress. But I’ve also realized that there is so much I just can't figure out.

Yet I want to understand.
I want a reason.
I want to make sense of my pain.

The reality? I’m fighting at least 5 active infections (Lyme and others), plus an autoimmune response that causes a lot of pain and inflammation. It's impossible to make sense of my body’s pain, fatigue, dizziness, or other daily symptoms and why they suddenly change. I can’t pinpoint or predict what causes an increase in pain and fix the problem, as desperately as I want to.

One thing's for sure—my body aches. It groans in pain. It's like living in an 80 year old body; except I'm only 25! While some days I can push through with minimal distraction, other days I just have to stop.

Amazingly, Scripture speaks to my pain:

“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.” Romans 8:22-23

I deeply long for my pain to be relieved. For it to all be over. But God, in His grace, has chosen not to heal me yet. He's working through my groanings—teaching me to long for future redemption and instead of getting caught up in what is temporary. When I was a child, even as a believer I didn't understand the beauty of heaven because life here-and-now was so great. However, suffering has weaned me from that perspective and helped me long for something better. Good fruit results from groaning (and the sanctifying work of suffering).

But you know another beautiful thing? The Spirit groans with us. In our weakness and suffering, He intercedes for us. He enters into our brokenness. He groans alongside us. Romans 8 continues:

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26

Isn’t this incredible? In my pain today—in your pain today—the Spirit is groaning with you. John Piper explains that the Spirit groans through our groanings. While the Spirit could perfectly communicate with the Father through words, instead He chooses to do so through groanings. Piper suggests that the Spirit isn't just groaning Himself, but that He inspires and directs our groans—to simultaneously long for things to be made right and for God to be glorified.

Let that sink in. There is so much depth in this truth. The Spirit is groaning with and through us.

No matter what form of pain or suffering you face, that longing you have for things to be made right—that groaning—is for complete redemption. For heaven. For the brokenness and curse to be made right. This is a good thing.

Instead of spinning on the hamster wheel trying to make sense of your pain and suffering today, let your groanings—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual—help you long for heaven. Your trials will not all make sense now, but one day we will more deeply appreciate the renewal and redemption of our bodies and the world because of the brokenness we experienced today.

There is purpose in the pain.