As someone who battles chronic illness, I know how difficult it can be to understand or explain everything going on physically, spiritually, and mentally. So from my personal experience and interaction with others, I wanted to share some things that may help you better understand what your friend or family member is going through.
12 things your chronically ill friend wants you to know:
1. We get lonely. Being stuck in the house, greatly limited in mobility, or lacking energy to make it through events/activities gets incredibly lonely. So a huge way you can help is to simply be a friend. Be willing to do boring things like sit beside us on the couch and listen or talk, watch a movie, read, fold laundry, or even cry with us. Those simple acts go a long way.
2. We don't want to be a burden. It's hard to ask for help on the same basic tasks when you've faced illness for several years.
The church tends to do an excellent job at helping in crises, but has a harder time serving long-term. Offering to bring food, make freezer meals, clean the bathroom, do simple chores, pick up groceries, or drive to a doctor's appointment are lifesavers.
3. We’re afraid. The future is overwhelming and at times feels hopeless. We don't know if a new treatment will make any difference. We don't know if you (or our doctor) will believe us, especially when so many tests come back just "fine". We don't know whether our current state is lifelong, so we probably battle a lot of forms of fear.
4. We don’t know how to explain our symptoms. Most of our symptoms are invisible to the outside world, so it takes a lot of effort to communicate them.
It's sweet and caring when you ask how we're feeling in a given hour or day. But sometimes it's overwhelming to answer because we can't verbalize how bad we really feel. Or sometimes we sugar-coat answers because we don't want to complain or make you feel sorry for us.
5. We don’t want to be sick. We aren’t making this up to get out of something or because we're lazy. On the contrary, a majority of chronic illness sufferers get to that chronic place because they’ve pushed and worked super hard to act normal for so long. It can also cause us to feel guilty we can’t provide for ourselves or contribute anything of value.
6. Plans stress us out. Not because we don't desperately want to do something with you, but because our symptoms come and go as they please. We can't predict how we'll feel on a given day and be able to push through, or whether we'll get nailed with a flare. So don't pressure us to do things; allow us to come and go, to choose activities, parties, or hang out with you when we can.
7. We can push through anything, but that doesn't mean it's wise. The chronically ill are amazing at pushing through commitments or doing things even when in a lot of pain. But that could mean they face repercussions for the next week with a magnified flare of symptoms. We have to use wisdom and pace ourselves so we don't worsen our symptoms unnecessarily or lengthen our healing process even more. It's a constant weighing of factors, which can lead to the next point...
8. We overthink. This is a common response when you're exhausted: to misinterpret people, overthink their responses or yours, to get frustrated or emotional about the tiniest of things. We overthink whether we should push and do something or whether that's a really unwise idea. We need gentle, patient friends who can help us discern things we overthink and can't interpret well.
9. We don’t know how to process emotions. Grief, anger, doubt, despair, and the countless emotions that come with the territory of chronic illness are paralyzing. Sometimes they make no logical sense or simply result from ongoing insomnia, pain, and fatigue. Be a gentle comforter and encourager to us when we are overwhelmed with emotions.
10. Our experiences are unique. Though many generalized symptoms hit those with chronic illness, particular symptoms and the way they affect us will vary, as will the struggles and temptations that come. Ask questions before making assumptions about us and how we're doing.
11. We lose hope. Hope is hard to hold onto in any form of ongoing suffering. We may even get to the point that we want to die. It’s hard to admit that. Don’t guilt-trip us for losing hope, direct us to the only place where lasting hope is found—in Jesus Christ.
12. We need prayer. The journey is long and hard. Even for those who are healing, it's full of ups and downs. Please be patient and pray for us—to persevere when we want to give up and to cling to Jesus when life is hard or hopeless.
This is not a comprehensive list, but I hope it provides some insight into what your chronically ill friend may be facing and how you can better serve them.
