When We Just Can't Get Along: Personality Clashes and the Gospel

I have a secret: I love Myers-Briggs personality typing. Actually, it’s not much of a secret if you know me well. Figuring out others’ personalities for the sake of more effectively understanding and communicating with them is an odd hobby of mine. Sometimes I get teased about my so-called "obsession" with it.

Intriguing information floods from personality studies. You can find the best career path for your type, what motivates you, how you handle conflict, your typical responses, what energizes you and what stresses you out. You can even learn what other personalities you get along with best.

I think it can be very helpful, and I appreciate the information from MBTI and other studies. But the truth is that it’s not always right. Yes, there's a lot of good to glean from personality studies. However, there’s something that far outweighs personality compatibility, and that is the gospel. You see:

The gospel destroys all barriers.

We often think of the gospel destroying the barriers of race or class. The power to love brothers and sisters who are not like us culturally or ethnically has been provided through the gospel. But did you realize the same goes for personality? Through the gospel, we are supernaturally enabled to love all people—even those with whom we clash personality-wise.

You know what that means? There’s no excuse for failing to love that demanding boss, the messy roommate, the annoying sibling, that person at church I just don’t “click with,” that co-worker or fellow student who always rubs me the wrong way. For if we simply love those who are similar to us, what value does that have? (Mt. 5:46)

Granted, some people are harder to love than others. We will struggle to understand some people. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible or that we have an excuse to give up on them. Rather it is because of the gospel that we can love all people, no matter how different they are from us.

A few of the personalities that I supposedly clash with are actually my closest friends. Yes, it takes hard work. My sister and I are total opposites in many ways (INFP and ESFJ for those who are really curious). Yet those differences are good, and we have learned so much from each other over the years that would not be possible if we were just alike. It’s humbling to set aside my own preferences and learn to love those who are different from me, but it is so rewarding.

I believe Myers-Briggs can be very beneficial, especially when it comes to understanding others, recognizing their strengths, and communicating well with them. But we can also use differences to excuse why we can't talk to someone or why we always argue with that one acquaintance or co-worker. So the next time you find yourself complaining about the personality problems with someone or think you could never get along with a "that person," remember this:

God lavished His love you, so you now have the ability to love others–even those who irk you.

The barriers erected by personality differences have been demolished by the gospel. Perhaps, instead of allowing differences to separate you, you need to humbly love and pursue that person that is difficult. After all, a friendship with someone who is not just like you more clearly magnifies the beauty of the gospel.

And isn't that what we want our lives to shine forth?

Encouragement Where You Least Expect It

Encouragement can come from the most unlikely places.

I served in a one-year internship with Vision of Hope, a residential facility for women seeking biblical help from life-dominating sins. I was there to serve and encourage the women seeking help. But in turn, those women encouraged and challenged me in my walk with God in so many ways they never even realized.

• Because as they struggled with sin, I remembered how deeply rooted my struggle was with sin, and how it was not easily overcome.
• As I watched them learn how to deal with the hard situations in life and not run from them, I was challenged to continue persevering in my difficult circumstances.
• As I spoke truth to the women when they were struggling, it was I who needed to hear those exact same truths.
• As God redeemed and healed their broken pasts and sin, God was in the process of doing the same with me.

You see, as long as we’re on earth, we never “make it” to perfection. We never stop battling sin. Things never get easy on the spiritual war front.

But that’s where the body of Christ comes in. As we strive together, we can encourage, exhort, and challenge one another. Just as Hebrews tells us to do.

“But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called 'today,' that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” Hebrews 3:13

Sin is deceitful and our own hearts are too (Jer. 17:9). We need brothers and sisters around us who will help point out sin in our lives, who will challenge us when we are going astray, who will exhort and encourage us to persevere when it is hard.

But sometimes that encouragement and exhortation can come from the most unlikely places. Don’t look down on others who may be in a different place than you spiritually. God can use them to impact you in more ways than you know.

So to the women who are working hard to fight their sin and complete the program at Vision of Hope (or who have finished!), I admire you. Your faithfulness has encouraged me significantly, and I am grateful for how God is transforming and using each of you.

Appointments and Small Improvements

Living with chronic illness has been one of the greatest challenges and tests of faith I’ve known yet, constantly revealing where I look for hope. And it isn't always pretty.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor last week with very little to “show”. Sadly, my autoimmune numbers are not improving yet, despite over a year of substantial immune support, detoxing, and gut healing, as well as over three months of intense lyme and co-infection treatment. My body is currently fighting six infections that I'm aware of, but additionally, fighting against itself! I so desperately wanted my lab work to show something was "working". Yet all I know for sure is that I still have a long way to go....

The reality that it could take years for my pain to get better sunk in and brought me to a place of discouragement again. It is here that I’m faced with two choices:

1. I can worry and become anxious about how to continue life with such limitations and pain.
Or...

2. I can entrust my future to my Heavenly Father who perfectly knows and understands my situation.

This is a continual choice, to cast my cares on my Father and trust that He will do what's best for me when it doesn't seem like this is good at all! Do you find yourself in this same dilemma because of the ups-and-downs of your health, your job, or life in general? Well the Psalmist provides comfort in our distress:

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”
Psalm 34:17-19

As much as I would love to promise you that life will get easier and all your pain will dissipate, that is not necessarily true in a broken, sin-cursed world (side note: this does help us long for heaven!). "Many are the afflictions of the righteous" (v. 19). That does not sound hopeful! But we have hope in a Redeemer: One who hears, who is near to the brokenhearted, who delivers and saves the afflicted and crushed. This is a God who intimately knows our pain and cares more than any person ever will. The One who promises, in time, to deliver. This is the God we can trust.

Today I'm reminding myself that while I need to trust, I also must keep crying out for help. Continually asking God for grace to persevere. For deliverance. For hope.

God is with me today, no matter how "terrible" my circumstances may be or how bleak the future may appear. And if you know Him, He is with you too. May the Lord draw near and comfort your heart today.

(On another note, I have a wonderful functional, lyme literate doctor in Indianapolis who works hard to get to root issues in health, if anyone is looking for a doctor! :) )

Dying Dreams and Renewed Hope

I pulled out my piano teaching supplies for the first time in almost three years and I cried. It was like seeing an old friend as I remembered all the games and activities I used to do with my students and the many books I had collected.

Seeing students light up as they finally grasped a concept, the joy of playing duets together, the silly quotes I collected from young students, and the pride of watching a student conquer another piano level brought much happiness to my life. I taught for seven years and had 30 students I unexpectedly had to leave due to a sudden out-of-state move. The memories of leaving all those students, and the many tears that flowed (both on my part and theirs) are painful.

But the most difficult reality was, because of chronic illness, I became unable to teach again.

Piano was a huge part of my life. I played for close to 20 years and loved teaching. But chronic pain and fatigue significantly impacted my ability to play, as my pain would escalate. I pretty much stopped playing, only pulling it out for particular needs and in very limited capacities. Since then, I’ve often wondered if I would ever teach or really play again.

I had to give up the dream of piano, while at the same time trying to remain hopeful that I would play again. Honestly, it wasn’t a pretty process. I angrily blamed God for a while, questioning why He would take away a gift I had, why He would give me a passion for something and then not enable me to use it. It seemed like the only thing God had done for me was let dream after dream die.

Yet in the midst of my frustrations something came out that I was internally fighting for: entitlement. It is difficult to lose things you love; you will wrestle with it no matter who you are! But I clung to bitterness, thinking I deserved those things and that it was wrong of God to keep them from me.

Unfortunately, it didn’t solve my problem. Clinging to things that were gone only served to make me more frustrated and angry. Yes, it’s ok to wrestle. Yes, it’s good to lament. But we have to take those wrestlings and laments to the Father who knows and understands us fully and cares for us intimately, instead of letting it push us away from Him.

Piano was not the only dream that died over the last few years, but it was a huge one. I’ve been afraid to hope for many things because I’ve felt so discouraged and disappointed by my losses.

If you’re in that season where all your dreams are dying, I empathize with you. It is tremendously hard. But God didn’t allow those things to be taken away because He’s angry with you. He loves you. And in His love, He longs for your holiness. It’s an uncomfortable grace for sure, but a beautiful one. God uses the fire to refine the ugly areas of our hearts and purify us. As we learn to cling to Him in our losses, we can find life and hope, even in the death of a dream. 

And what's amazing is that, in turn, we actually become more useful in the Kingdom. Because we are more gentle, more loving, more patient, more forgiving, more gracious after God has done deep work our hearts. You may think your limitations are only a hindrance, but you may find that the greatest, most impactful ministry flows out of those weaknesses. Don't despise it. God is a redeeming God.

Since I'm finally addressing the root cause of my health issues, chronic Lyme disease and several other infections, I'm hopeful that things will gradually begin to improve, even though it's still up-and-down. So by God’s grace (not my own doing), I began to teach again this week for the first time in three years. I’m fearful because of my weaknesses. Playing the piano still increases my pain, so I don't sit down and play hardly at all. There are days that fatigue and brain fog are hard to push through. Because of my limitations, my teaching will not be exactly the same. There’s also quite an emotional and mental battle with the piano due to losing it for a season.

But I’m going to try. I cannot let my fear keep me from life. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I may only have 3 students instead of 30, but I will be faithful in doing what I can. And I know God will give me the grace I need for each day.