Fighting to Persevere

Some days the tears won’t stop. I don’t mean because of grief or a difficult circumstance; I just mean because of exhaustion, pain, weariness, and general discouragement. This is not uncommon in life with chronic illness (and herxing from increased chronic Lyme doses again). It is an intense battle for me to focus on truth between the tears and pain. I want to give up on treatment. On doing emotionally draining things. On trying anything new. Or just trying to live life semi-normally (whatever that means). I don’t even want to keep going. Everything in life feels disheartening.

The last couple days I've been reading and thinking about the latter part of Hebrews 10. It speaks to me in my suffering (and in yours):

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised… But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls." Heb. 10:35-36, 39

The author of Hebrews knows suffering can weigh us down and tempt us to give up. That's why he tells us that we have need of endurance (v. 36) and that we must not throw away our confidence (v. 35). Then he gives us hope. If God is sovereign over our lives (and He is) then part of doing the will of God (v. 36) is persevering through suffering, hard as it may be. But if we do, we have a promise to receive—an imperishable inheritance for all of eternity. It is a an eternal focus that keeps us fighting to persevere.

Some will face suffering and turn away from God. This picture of "shrinking back" in verse 39 is one of giving up or withdrawing in fear. But believers are those who "have faith and preserve their souls" (v. 39).

I don't know about you, but I don't have an ounce of perseverance within me. Somedays I honestly don't know how I've made it to today. How can I keep from becoming one of those "who shrink back and are destroyed?"

Then I'm reminded of a crucial truth sometimes referred to as "the perseverance of the saints" that my brother has reminded me of (through playing it on the piano lately):

When I fear my faith will fail
Christ will hold me fast
When the tempter would prevail
He will hold me fast
I could never keep my hold
Through life’s fearful path
For my love is often cold
He must hold me fast

The truth is, I can’t do this on my own. But Christ holds me and preserves my faith. Matthew Henry puts it this way:

“And those who have been kept faithful in great trials for the time past, have reason to hope for the same grace to help them still to live by faith, till they receive the end of their faith and patience, even the salvation of their souls.” 

So don’t give up or shrink back, no matter how difficult your circumstances may be. Lift up your eyes towards eternity as you fight to persevere and turn to the One who is holding you and keeping you to the end.

When You Feel Empty

Do you feel empty today? Overwhelmed by the pressures of life? Worn out from never-ending, dismal circumstances? The uncertainty of your health? Feeling like you're as low as you could possibly be?

You're not alone. Charles Spurgeon is one of the many believers who felt the as you do. Yet he had something insightful to say:

Charles Spurgeon battled depression pretty much his whole life. Yet he is considered one of the greatest preachers of the 19th century. Why? Not because he had his life together, but because in his weakness and frailty, God used him. Spurgeon learned through his depression to lean more heavily on God, to fight the fear and despair with faith, and to persevere through the hard of life in a broken, sin-cursed world.

This encourages me when the lies attack...

• "My weaknesses and struggles make me ineffective and unqualified to minister to or encourage others."
• "It’s wrong for me to write or tell others something when I struggle to believe the same truths myself."

But as I was reminded by a friend recently, those struggles are exactly the reason it matters. I don’t have my life together. I’m a sinner just like you who needs grace to make it through today. My story or avenue of writing isn’t about my successes or my victories, but my daily need for Jesus.

It’s tempting for young people to be self-sufficient because we have energy and drive. I know I was (and let's be honest, I still am sometimes!). Chronic illness humbled me and made me more dependent on God and others. While that was extremely difficult and pride-shattering, it has been one of the best things that has happened to me.

Without emptiness, without my struggles, without my chronic illness, and most importantly, without God’s grace to hold and keep me, I would not be where I am today. I would be a proud, self-sufficient person lacking grace for others who are hurting. I would not grasp the depth of my sin. I would not have compassion for those struggling. Remarkably, God uses those very things we despise to deeply work in our hearts and to display His power:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Cor. 4:7-10

You may feel that you can't get any lower. Consider this: God is using your emptiness to prepare you for being filled and to transform you into something beautiful. The Enemy desires our struggles and suffering to render us ineffective in the Kingdom. But God wants to redeem those losses, battles against remaining sin, and weaknesses to shine forth His incomparable power and unsurpassable worth.

Let God show Himself strong through your emptiness and weakness.

Making Sense of Pain

There are days when I wake up in deep pain (worse than the norm) or points in the day when I suddenly find my pain escalating. Often in those moments my mind spins on a hamster wheel:

Did I eat something wrong?
Is my treatment worsening symptoms?
Did I over-exert myself yesterday?
Is it just a Lyme flare?

My mind starts this endless cycle, trying to make sense of my suffering. I want to understand, as if it will somehow make me ok with what's happening.

It’s helpful to recognize patterns and to determine if certain things you eat, take, or do help or hinder your progress. But I’ve also realized that there is so much I just can't figure out.

Yet I want to understand.
I want a reason.
I want to make sense of my pain.

The reality? I’m fighting at least 5 active infections (Lyme and others), plus an autoimmune response that causes a lot of pain and inflammation. It's impossible to make sense of my body’s pain, fatigue, dizziness, or other daily symptoms and why they suddenly change. I can’t pinpoint or predict what causes an increase in pain and fix the problem, as desperately as I want to.

One thing's for sure—my body aches. It groans in pain. It's like living in an 80 year old body; except I'm only 25! While some days I can push through with minimal distraction, other days I just have to stop.

Amazingly, Scripture speaks to my pain:

“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.” Romans 8:22-23

I deeply long for my pain to be relieved. For it to all be over. But God, in His grace, has chosen not to heal me yet. He's working through my groanings—teaching me to long for future redemption and instead of getting caught up in what is temporary. When I was a child, even as a believer I didn't understand the beauty of heaven because life here-and-now was so great. However, suffering has weaned me from that perspective and helped me long for something better. Good fruit results from groaning (and the sanctifying work of suffering).

But you know another beautiful thing? The Spirit groans with us. In our weakness and suffering, He intercedes for us. He enters into our brokenness. He groans alongside us. Romans 8 continues:

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26

Isn’t this incredible? In my pain today—in your pain today—the Spirit is groaning with you. John Piper explains that the Spirit groans through our groanings. While the Spirit could perfectly communicate with the Father through words, instead He chooses to do so through groanings. Piper suggests that the Spirit isn't just groaning Himself, but that He inspires and directs our groans—to simultaneously long for things to be made right and for God to be glorified.

Let that sink in. There is so much depth in this truth. The Spirit is groaning with and through us.

No matter what form of pain or suffering you face, that longing you have for things to be made right—that groaning—is for complete redemption. For heaven. For the brokenness and curse to be made right. This is a good thing.

Instead of spinning on the hamster wheel trying to make sense of your pain and suffering today, let your groanings—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual—help you long for heaven. Your trials will not all make sense now, but one day we will more deeply appreciate the renewal and redemption of our bodies and the world because of the brokenness we experienced today.

There is purpose in the pain.

Beauty in Weakness

Usually we share on social media the parts of our lives that are spotless, beautiful, and exciting. No one wants to admit the difficult or the ugly. We like the cleaned-up version of ourselves. We present an image that beauty is found in personal strength.

Let me be honest here: 95% of my posts are written out of weakness. They’re not written on days when things are carefree or I have this light bulb revelation of truth that makes the day wonderful. Instead, they're written out of the nitty-gritty, challenging struggles of daily life. They come from my own wrestlings with truth. Honestly, it's a way of reminding myself of the hope found in the gospel.

I know I don't have anything new or profound to say. Many can write better than I. Some days I'm not even sure if my writing makes sense! But my desire in blogging is that out of my weakness and wrestlings you too will find hope. Just like the movies, where characters search for hope of a better future or a hero to save them, we too all long for hope. God placed this desire in us. Those battling chronic illness or chronic pain must continually fight for hope. Amazingly, there is a purpose in this:

God wants our struggles, weakness, and hopeless desperation to turn us to hope in Him.

Yet there are many days I don't find my hope in Him. In my pain or lack of healing, I question God or get angry at Him. However, in my doubting and sometimes sinful responses, one of the most encouraging reminders is the truth that God will not let me go. I assure you, had my hold on hope been left up to me, I would've failed.

But God is faithful.

I don't mean to sound cliche. That powerful statement resonates deeply within me because I've experienced His faithfulness day-by-day over the last few years of intense chronic illness, as well as through several other deep heartaches and painful circumstances. There's no visible beauty in my weakness and sinful responses, but there is incredible beauty when my God perfects His strength in my weakness.

He is faithful to you in this way too. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know you may be doubting His goodness or wondering if He's even there. But no matter the pain, the heartache, the hurt, the struggles—if you are a child of God—He is holding onto you. He won't let you go.

God's unchanging character carries us through the deepest waters and the darkest moments:

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life..." Psalm 138:7a

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

If you're struggling today, don't lose hope even though you can't see how God is working. Keep crying out to Him. Landing on His promises. Trusting that He is faithful and He won't let you go. Do it again and again as you fight the feelings of discouragement and despair.

Learning to hope in God through suffering, while extremely difficult, is a more beautiful reality than the temporary glamor of a self-sufficient, successful life. And one that has much deeper impact. In God's goodness He is drawing you to Himself through your trials and causing you to become more dependent on Him. That will have a much greater reward than any success or accomplishment ever will. God's power and strength is vividly and powerfully displayed when you are weak.

This is the beauty found in weakness.