A Good Life

A year ago today I was speaking truth to my heart through tears, hopelessness, and despair.

I desperately wanted life to end, but knew I couldn’t take mine. So I cried out to God, asking why life was so insanely hard. My birthday was full of reminders of broken relationships, broken dreams, and a broken body.

So many times I have questioned the purpose of the last four years of chronic illness and hard circumstances. I've angrily asked God why He took my dreams from me--good dreams of ministry and service to Him. I've wrestled to find purpose in deep pain and loss. I've doubted that my life had any value.

In the pain and heartache last year, I wrote this:

"God isn’t looking for my success. He wants my faithfulness. Right now, in this season, life looks significantly different from what I expected. But that doesn’t mean that my life is a waste. And neither is yours."

Life still isn't what I hoped. My life has been redirected and redefined.

And that's ok.

Everyone reaches a point where dreams die or sorrows swallow. A broken, sin-cursed world causes everything to be laced with pain. The only way to survive those seasons of unbelievable grief or loss is through Christ holding you.

I still have daily reminders that I am limited. Pain and fatigue quickly grab hold and threaten to take over my day. Fear can cause me to wonder if my goals are stupid and unrealistic and will set me back again. Countless questions run through my mind as I slowly heal and consider what next. What will my life will be like for the next month, 6 months, or year? I don't know, but I don't have to know it all.

Despite questions, unknowns, and wrestlings, I have much more hope than I did a year ago! God has carried me through my deepest difficulties I've yet known, when I didn't think I could make it. I have seen progress in my health that I didn't think was possible. I have goals I'm working towards and things I can do now that were unimaginable a couple years ago.

Your hopes for life may be crushed, but God believes that your life has purpose and can be pleasing to Him. Right here and now. Your life may have changed, but He has not. There is a source of hope and even joy that can be found amidst great heartache.

So keep pressing forward. Keep creating goals. Keep looking for ways to bless others. Keep looking up. A good life is not defined by accomplishments, success, or the approval of others, but by faithfulness and dependence on God. 

That is an attainable goal today.