Letting Go of the List

I’m a list maker. Before chronic illness, I made my daily to-do list, and no matter how much I had to do, I usually was pretty successful, efficient, and managed to complete everything I needed to do. I hated leaving things undone. I hated waiting til the last minute to finish something (in my mind, "last minute" was finishing a college paper the week it was due). ;)

But when pain and fatigue hit hard, everything changed. Granted, I still made to-do lists. But often half the things would be left undone, and I would constantly end the day frustrated and disappointed. I could never attain my own goals and standards, and I hated that. I strongly believed I was just making lists of the bare minimum; they weren’t even lofty goals by that point.

In that process, I had to learn to let things go. I had to practice saying, “no, I can’t do that.” I discovered that it was ok to put off a chore til another day, or to eat simple foods instead of cooking. I could let someone else pick up groceries for me or cook for me. I had to miss out on fun things with friends. It was one of the hardest things for me: to let things go and to be served.

As someone who likes to help others, but hates "burdening others" by being served, I started to feel like I had lost my purpose in life. I believed the lie that my life didn’t have value because I wasn’t doing the things I once could. My perspective was very skewed and self-centered, ironically.

My to-do list is very different right now. It requires taking time to rest when a wave of fatigue or pain hits. It means leaving a project half-finished or taking a break when I desperately just want to complete it. It means spending nearly all my time at home, doing things at a turtle's pace, whereas before I was always on the go. For this season, my life is very mundane.

And I’m slowly learning to be ok with that.

I fought it for a long time (reality check: I still do some days). I hated my limitations. But by God's grace, I’m learning to let go of my plans. Not because it’s bad. Goals are a very important thing! But God is teaching me to hold everything with an open palm, even my good goals. It's sometimes a painful process, but a necessary one.

I'm continually reminded that my worth is not based on how much I do. Because of Christ, I can rest today, knowing that I’m not loved because of my accomplishments, but simply because He loves me! I don’t have to prove myself to God or to anyone else. I can be faithful to do those little things I can do, and leave the rest in His hands. That’s all He asks of me.

Messy Relationships

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last 10 years, it’s that relationships are messy. That’s probably an obvious statement to you. But yes, as a young teen I did have a skewed view of relationships and conflict, despite much solid teaching. I somehow thought that if/when I got married I wouldn’t have conflict because I was a peacemaker and I hated conflict. I could have a good, happy relationship.

I know. I was pretty naïve and did not understand the depths of my own heart issues and struggles. But over the last several years, God has opened my eyes to that reality. He has used relationships—including many broken ones that I had no power to fix—to show me the sinfulness of my heart, teach me it really looks like to love and forgive, and as a result, experience the joy of entering “messiness.”

Life and ministry have taught me that pouring into others often comes at great personal cost: the road of self-denial. It involves being vulnerable and risking being hurt or rejected. Subsequently, there’s a often much pain that comes from loving, knowing, and caring for people.

It has not been an easy journey. I see my own tendencies towards self-pity, bitterness, and self-protection. It can be difficult for me to trust people‘s intentions or to believe they’re sincere. Yet so often, I’m just looking to protect myself from getting hurt.

But Jesus didn’t do that.

He stepped into my messiness and brokenness to free me from my sin at great personal cost. It wasn’t pretty. When He walked on earth, He faced rejection from even His own people (Jn. 1:11). He was misunderstood (Jn. 9:13-16). His acts of love were viewed as contempt (Mt. 12:24). He experienced separation from the Father and the wrath of the Almighty God for my sin (Mt. 27:46, 2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 3:25).

Even though I had no reason for Jesus to love me, He hasn’t given up on me. It is only when I look to Him, when I see His perfect love demonstrated for me at the cross, am I free to love others without fear (1 Jn. 4:19). It doesn’t mean the struggles with sin disappear, but I can battle with hope.

The gospel gives us hope as we enter a new relationship. As we pour into a younger believer. As we allow ourselves to be known by others. Yes, there is tremendous risk in relationships. But the only way to avoid that risk is to withdraw from people completely. As C.S. Lewis wisely articulated:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

We can try to protect ourselves from the messiness and brokenness of relationships. But in that, we will also become hardened and cold and won't be able to love. I hate the possibility of brokenness. But we can’t experience love without risking that. And if Jesus did that for me, how could I not do the same?

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 33

Comfort. It’s one of the things we all seek, but something chronic illness sufferers especially desire. And understandably so! Comfort from the physical, mental, or emotional pain. Comfort from the stress of life. Comfort from the hurt and heartache.

But where you and I tend to run for comfort doesn’t last. That Netflix binge only comforts as long as you’re distracted. That ice cream only brings comfort while you’re eating it. That relationship only brings comfort as long as they love you the way you want.

Psalm 33 reminded me of this.

“The king is not saved by his great army;
a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
and by its great might it cannot rescue.
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.”
Ps. 33:18-22

There are many things that give us a sense of hope that turn out to be false, like the army or strength or war horse described in verses 16-17. The same is true for comfort. There are many things in life that promise us comfort—Netflix, a relationship, food, sleep, a spouse, the right job, the next day off or vacation, social media validation. Those things can be good, but they will never satisfy our hearts completely.

The only comfort that’s everlasting comes from the Great Comforter, the One who delivers and sustains us (v. 19). God comforts us in all our afflictions (2 Cor. 1:4). He is the God of all comfort (Rom. 15:5). And He uses His Word to bring us comfort (Ps. 119:50). He helps us in our difficulties. All His work is done in faithfulness (v. 4). Because of God's unchanging character, this should be our response:

“Our soul waits for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.” (vs. 20-22)

Yes, we can then wait for God, trust in Him, hope in Him and find our joy in Him. He is the One we can turn to and find lasting comfort and hope. Don't miss out on this by turning to things that will only comfort for a moment, when the One who created you is calling you to come to Him and find rest (Mt. 11:28).

Let these truths comfort your heart today.

The Good in the Most Difficult Days

It’s easy to start the day off wrong when you wake up feeling terrible and in high pain (result of upping chronic infection treatment + normal symptoms). When experiencing high pain, fatigue, and brain fog, my thoughts quickly become irrational and spiral.

At that point, it’s tempting to take an angry, victim mentality: “I don’t deserve this! I can’t take it anymore!”

In those desperate moments, I have to cry out to the Father for grace to persevere. Except sometimes I wallow in anger, despair, or self-pity instead. I doubt God's love and care. I can't see how anything He is doing is good. In my tears, I question if I can trust my Heavenly Father.

Newton gently reminded me:

“Everything is needful that He sends…”

Do you believe that? Do I?

Psalms echoes with the same truth:

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
Psalm 84:11

Yes, as painful as it is to write, everything you and I face today is needed. Even chronic pain. Even conflict with a spouse or friend. Even your battle against remaining sin.

Dear reader, God doesn’t withhold anything that is for your good. He is using those difficult moments to make you more dependent on Him. It's not our strength and ability that make us powerful in the Kingdom. It's our helplessness and dependence that make us most useful. 

No matter how difficult your day is, land on this truth: God is for you and He is good (Rom. 8:31). Everything He does is good (Ps. 119:68). Your dry spell or trials are not a sign of His hatred, but a loving Father’s care to gently draw you to Him. Your emotions will scream in opposition to this, because when the challenges are unrelenting, it does not feel true at all!

Yet in those moments of despair, repeat the truth to your heart:

Everything is needful that He sends. 
No good thing does He withhold. 
Everything He does is good.
God is for me.

This is what I need to remember today.

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 69

I woke up groggy, in pain, and feeling pretty yucky overall. As the morning progressed, my symptoms only worsened. I found myself feeling more discouraged with my limitations. While this is a common occurrence in my fight to heal from chronic infections, I still quickly find myself discouraged, frustrated, and weary. This is not how I wanted my day to go. My frustrations built up and I began to get angry at the world.

I opened my Bible, even though I didn’t really want to read. And as I read Psalm 69, God used the honesty and difficulty to soften and encourage my weary heart. There you find much struggle. And yet hope.

“Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck
I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.”

I must admit, I have thought very similar things in my battle with chronic illness and in facing the difficulties of life in a fallen world. David feels overwhelmed by his terrible circumstances. He's walking through deep waters, and then to make matters worse, a flood sweeps over! He compares himself to sinking in mud where there is no place to plant his feet. He’s drowning in the depths. He questions if God will even come to deliver him.

But what struck me is that David didn’t allow his doubt and despair to turn him away from God. Instead he turns to God in his pain:

“But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love
answer me in your saving faithfulness.”

This is what you and I need to do when we wake up and everything seems to be going wrong. When that phone call brings heartbreaking news that a friend was killed in a car accident. When that emergency car repair left you broke and you aren’t sure how to pay for groceries the rest of the month. When that doctor’s appointment brings a devastating diagnosis. When all around you seems to be falling apart, and there is no one to help or comfort you.

David understands this. He laments, “Reproaches have broken my heart, so that I am in despair. I looked for pity, but there was none, and for comforters, but I found none.” (v. 20) Do you ever feel completely alone and helpless? Even the divinely-inspired writer of the Psalms did! Yet David continues to cry out to God:

“Deliver me from sinking in the mire;
let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters.
Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Hide not your face from your servant,
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.” (v. 14-17)

In the midst of suffering, it frequently feels like God is far off. So David calls out to God, “Draw near to my soul, redeem me…” (v. 18) He tells God of his distress, even though God already knows and understands everything about him (vs. 19-29). He asks God to save him on the basis of God's faithfulness, love, and mercy (vs. 13, 16).

And then then David remembers where his hope is found. It's not in his circumstances changing, but in God Himself.

“When the humble see it they will be glad;
you who seek God, let your hearts revive.
For the Lord hears the needy
and does not despise his own people who are prisoners." (vs. 32-33)

Even the purpose of God's deliverance is to remind us that HE is the God who saves. Be encouraged that God hears you and that He will answer. Sometimes that answer comes in the form of grace we don't want. "Uncomfortable grace" as Paul Tripp calls it. Nevertheless, it is exactly the grace we need.

"You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for"
-Wonderful, Merciful Savior

Hope Amidst Brokenness

I was a quite naïve and happy little girl. Always smiling, always excited about people and life. I laughed a lot—demonstrated by many childhood pictures where my mouth was open because dad made me laugh. Not much could upset me.

As I grew up, various life circumstances shaped me and taught me that life is not always good. But over the last few years in particular, the reality of life has slammed me. I’ve observed and experienced brokenness everywhere. Both in my heart, in other people, and in the church.

Things aren’t so innocently happy as I once believed. Life has a way of making you keen to the ugliness of the curse. And it can leave you hardened, cynical, and skeptical.

Or it can push you to where true hope is found.

I interned in a residential facility for a year and I saw the destruction of sin and the curse in deeper ways. These women usually had very difficult backgrounds with sometimes unimaginable suffering. Understandably, there was a correlation with that suffering and many sinful life choices. But more than the dominating sin that usually characterized them, I saw myself in those women. I had some of the very same heart issues. And if not for God’s grace, I would be where they were, in bondage to my sin.

This is sobering and difficult. I hate seeing the destruction of sin. I hate having broken relationships. I hate when my sin hurts others. It's tempting for me to grow weary and lose hope in this life.

But isn't that where God wants us?

Not in the sense of wanting to die because life is so miserable, but realizing that this life is not the end-all, and recognizing that true hope and happiness will never be found here on earth.

See, your brokenness, your sin, your struggles—they all are meant to point you to a greater hope that is bigger than the joys of earth. This future hope reminds us that one day everything will be made right, and for the believer, we will experience lasting joy in God (Jn. 16:22).

But more than that, God is weaving something beautiful through the suffering you face today. We can't understand it because we only see the underside of the tapestry. Tim Keller speaks of it in this way:

“Everything sad is going to come untrue and it will somehow be greater for having once been broken and lost.” 

Isn't this a glorious thought? There is hope. Hope when a close friend abandons you. Hope when your health spirals out of control. Hope when someone sins grievously against you. Hope when you fail, again. For the believer, God is redeeming each and every difficult circumstance, every moment of sadness and hurt. And someday it will not only become "untrue", but the joy and gladness will be even sweeter than if we had never suffered. Hard to imagine, isn't it? What hope this gives us as we face the brokenness of life.

By God's grace, He is in the process of transforming those women at Vision of Hope, redeeming their suffering and sin and creating beautiful, spotless children of God. And He is doing the same for me. And for you.

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 57

Sometimes the storms we face are destructive. They leave scars that shape our future. They can push us to breaking point. Whether it's the storm of undiagnosed chronic illness wreaking havoc on your life, an unexpected divorce, a close friend suddenly turning on you, the loss of home through fire or flood, a prodigal child, or the death of a loved one, we all experience devastating storms.

If you are in the middle of a storm, it seems all-encompassing. The grief and heartbreak overwhelm you. It threatens to swallow you. It may not seem possible, but there is hope to cling to in the middle of the storm. David encourages us in this as He cries out honestly to God:

"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in You my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High, 
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.”
Psalm 57:1-2

As we think on these verses, let's consider:
Where is the hope in the midst of destructive storms?

1. Hope is found in our merciful God (v. 1). It is tempting to get angry at God or to doubt His goodness when everything is falling apart. I know I frequently want the storm to be over. In those desperate moments of despair, we must turn to God and seek His mercy. Don't turn away from Him in anger, but keep crying out to Him, as David does in this Psalm. Ask Him for mercy and for grace to persevere when the chronic pain is unbearable or the grief from loss overtakes you. Ask Him to give you hope. 


2. Hope is found in our Refuge in the storm (v. 1). The definition of refuge is “a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble.” We are safe in the storm, because we know the One who has complete control over the storm. The imagery here of finding refuge in the shadow of His wings is quite stunning. Just as a bird, caring for her young, protects them from harm of the winds and storms, so God does the same for us! He doesn't always cause the storm to cease, but He is our Rock and Refuge in it. So cry out to God, as David did, and find comfort and protection.


3. Hope is found in realizing this is temporary (v. 1). As David mentions, the storms of destruction will pass by (v. 1). They are not eternal, even though it may feel that way! Our afflictions, if we are believers in Christ, are temporary (2 Cor. 4:17). This is perhaps one of the hardest truths to believe when you're suffering. It seems like it will never end! But we know that God is faithful and that His Word is true, and so we can rest in knowing this trial is temporary. 


4. Hope is found in remembering (v. 2). God is fulfilling His purpose for you. This is an interesting phrase to follow verse 1. After all, David is running from Saul. The man promised to be the next king of Israel is hiding for fear of his life! This doesn’t make sense. How could this be accomplishing God's purposes? I'm sure David didn't understand, as I usually don’t in the middle of my storms. But somehow, amidst the destruction, God is fulfilling His purpose for you. For me. He has not forgotten you. Remember that no matter how bad it gets, God is fulfilling His good plans for you.

The truth is, knowing God doesn't take away the storms of life. But there is hope we can breathe even as we face the most heart-wrenching circumstances. Today, if you find yourself there, run to God and take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. And as you wait, let Him give you hope that can only be found in Him.

Comfort from the Psalms: New Series Coming!

Over the last couple years, I’ve spent much of my Bible reading immersed in the Psalms. It is there that I have encountered honesty, struggles, and hope. In my darkest moments, I’ve been reminded that I’m not alone. The Psalms have been a great source of comfort to my heart.

Because of this, I hope to write a series over the next few months titled "Comfort from the Psalms". Not because I have a lot of great wisdom or insight into these passages, but because I’ve experienced how hard it is to find comfort and hold on to hope in suffering. I need to remind myself of where my hope is found. A lot of my examples will likely geared to bring comfort and hope for chronic illness, but the truth of Scripture applies to all areas of life and suffering.

As I’ve battled chronic illness and other difficult life circumstances, the Psalms have been my go-to book. In the wrestling, the laments, the pain, and the hurt, the Psalms bring us back to the only One who gives lasting comfort and hope. This is one of the things that has steadied my heart on many a day where pain is intensified, emotions are screaming, and everything within me wants to blame God for why He hasn't changed my circumstances.

Can you relate?

I want to remember in those moments of doubt and struggle that God is working, and that what He is doing is good, as much as it conflicts with what I think is best. As Charles Spurgeon expresses:

"No flowers wear so lovely a blue as those which grow at the foot of a glacier;
No stars gleam so brightly as those which glisten in the polar sky;
no water tastes so sweet as that which springs amid the desert sang;
and no faith is so previous as that which lives and triumphs in adversity."

I pray that as I remind myself of the truth of who God is in my suffering, you too would experience comfort, find encouragement, and breathe hope through the Psalms.

Searching for Answers: My Chronic Illness Journey

It's really easy to compare in chronic illness. To compare to those worse off and think, "My story hasn't been that bad. I can't complain." Or to look to healthy people and think, "It looks like I'm trying to force sympathy." Because of this, it's quite challenging to know if and how to share your story of chronic illness.

I've thought about sharing a little of my story for a while. This is very much an overarching view, it really can't quite contain how incredibly difficult the last couple years have been. But my desire isn't to mope in self-pity or to make you feel sorry for me, but rather to give an honest glimpse into my chronic illness journey (which is not over yet!).

As typical for chronic illness patients, my symptoms came on somewhat gradually over the last 5 years, and for a few years I explained them away as minor issues or stress/circumstantially caused. Though by definition chronic illness is anything that lasts more than 3 months, it took over a year of debilitating chronic pain, fatigue, and worsening symptoms before I began to admit, “I have chronic illness.”

Initially I expected a doctor's appointment to solve my problem. I laugh at my naivety now. After a sudden out-of-state move I spent 6 months on my bed with fatigue. I still thought I was just having thyroid issues, so I anticipated thyroid medication would relieve my symptoms. I scheduled a doctor's appointment, and then pursued and began a year long internship. However, I learned that just by trying to keep up with “normal” life, I was getting worse, not better. I became more vigilant with research, appointments, and supplements, desperately searching for a root answer.

It took nearly 2 years of appointments to get a root diagnosis, way longer than I ever expected. Yes, I got “diagnoses" from several doctors (IBS, Fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, MTHFR, autoimmune issues, and more) but nothing seemed to really describe all my symptoms. I endured 3 nasty rounds of treatment for SIBO (gut infection with a high relapse rate), an antibiotic for a parasite, and long-term herbal protocol + special diet for various gut infections before I began to see gut improvement. I also began an immune boosting and detox protocol (supplements and diet), with the direction of my doctor, to address my autoimmune dysfunction.

While my gut issues began to see improvement, my pain and fatigue did not. In fact, some of my lab results were getting worse despite many months of treatment! At this point, my doctor decided to re-test me for Lyme disease and co-infections.

I had been tested for Lyme a year before, and it came out indeterminate. A previous doctor said she didn’t know if I had it or not, and wasn’t really sure what to do next. I was immensely discouraged because I really wanted an answer! Subsequently, I was quite fearful about re-testing for Lyme. If I had it, I knew the treatment regiment would be intensely difficult and long. But if I didn’t, was I making all this up? What if my doctor didn’t believe me? What if my quality of life stayed like this for another 10 years?

By God’s grace, I did finally get an answer. Recently I was diagnosed not only with Lyme disease, but 5 other major infections (frequently called co-infections)! No wonder I wasn’t seeing improvement.

It is encouraging to have answers and direction. But in this long process, God has been revealing where I place my hope. I've learned that it's not wrong to search and pray for medical answers. It's good to hope and not give up. But that is not where my ultimate hope is found. Hope is not in a diagnosis or a cure. Hope is found in my God, who walks with me no matter what I face.

My story isn’t over. I’m not healed yet. I don't know what upcoming months of treatment will be like, and how long it will take before I begin to see improvement. There are days I fear what the future may hold. But I have a faithful God who has been faithful to lead me thus far, and will continue to be faithful, whatever comes my way.

If you are facing the many unknowns of chronic illness, my heart goes out to you. It is excruciatingly hard. But don't lose heart! If you're a believer in Christ, God walks with you, giving hope in the darkest moments and fresh grace for each day.

A New Year and Self-Denial

It’s a new year. To be honest, I don’t feel like I have much to look forward to, and I don’t look back on the last year with much fondness. It was full of more suffering, struggles, and sin than I would care to admit.

This is not the way I saw my life going.

Perhaps that's the most discouraging thing as I look back on the past year and forward to this new year. As I battle several chronic infections, my life is significantly slower and drastically different than I ever imagined my 20s to be. Over the past few years, I've experienced the death of many dreams.

I knew that dying to self was part of the Christian life. However, I envisioned self-denial as serving on the foreign mission field or in full-time ministry. That's what sacrifice for the Kingdom looks like, right? But dying to self the difficult, daily battle of chronic illness, where a majority of my life is spent resting, taking supplements, enduring treatment regiments, or cooking food I can eat? No way!

As I look back, was my year wasted? It sometimes feels that way to me. But is it wasted when pastors are locked in solitary confinement for their faith? Is it wasted when a saint is bedridden the rest of their life? When a missionary family has to flee the country they were called to, for fear of their lives?

Not in God’s economy. How can this be?

Because God is the process of redeeming each and every moment.

Yes, even your most difficult circumstances are being redeemed! We see examples of this in Scripture:

When Joseph was unjustly put in prison, God used it to save the lives of many (Gen. 50:20).
When Paul was stuck in a cell, he said that it helped to spur on the gospel (Phil. 1:12-13).
When Job's life and family were taken from him, it brought Him to know God more deeply (Job 42:1-6).
When David was fleeing for his life, he experienced God as his Refuge in deeper ways than ever before (Ps. 3).
When Ruth becomes a young widow, God uses her re-marriage to Boaz to graft her into the lineage of Christ (Ruth 4:13-17).

I wrestle with the kind of cross-bearing I'm currently called to carry, questioning what God is doing, because I don't understand it at all. But this time as I processed, the line from All I Have is Christ rang in my head:

“Now Father use my ransomed life in anyway you choose.”

The truth that my life is not my own repeated in my head. When I surrendered my life to Christ, I agreed to let Him have complete control, and to use me however He desires. Whatever He chooses for my life is best, even if it contradicts what I think is best. God is using my seemingly "wasted" circumstances to teach me greater self-denial, reliance on Him, and trust in His goodness. I must frequently release my dreams and desires for His, so that I can say with Paul,

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ..." Phil. 3:7-8

This is what I have to look forward to in 2018. Not more self-promotion, success, accomplished plans, or fulfilled dreams. Not an exciting or fun year, as I would want. But there is something deeper and long-lasting. My greatest reward is to know God more deeply. And that comes through the road of self-denial. As I do that in the unique ways God has called me to, I find that all my temporary successes were nothing, and that Christ is everything.

When Your Christmas Isn't Joyful...

Christmas is supposed to be joyful and exciting. The most wonderful time of the year, right? But for many of us, that’s not reality. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, financial strain, ongoing health problems, relational conflict, or whatever else, the weight of life is heavy.

Perhaps you find yourself even more discouraged because no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get that Christmas joy that everyone else appears to have. I've battled that same discouragement this Christmas. Life is not as I would like.

I believe this battle with discouragement is part of living in a broken world, and recognizing that not everything is as wonderful and nostalgic as it was through childhood eyes. We look outward and we see the destruction that sin and the curse causes. We look within and despair at the ongoing sin in us. Everything is messy and hard.

So if you find yourself in that place of discouragement or despair this Christmas, may I offer you hope? The hope that one day Christ will set everything right. One day, there will be no more sin and no more suffering. For those who are believers in Christ, the suffering and sorrow you face today is temporary. Because Emmanuel, God with us, walked among us to conquer sin and death.

Jesus entered your brokenness, and He offers healing and hope for the pain you face today. He is in the process of redeeming your deepest difficulties. Just as Job didn’t understand all his suffering, you may not either, but you can receive mercy and grace for your time of need (Heb. 4:16), comfort for your troubles (2 Cor. 1:4), and hope for your future (1 Pet. 1:3). I don't intend to sound cliche; this is deep truth to anchor on when the storms of life threaten to undo us.

In the meantime, let’s rejoice in the hope that Jesus is with us today, and earnestly pray that the day He reigns and dwells with us eternally will come soon. Come, Lord Jesus!

O Come, Thou King of nations bring
An end to all our suffering
Bid every pain and sorrow cease
And reign now as our Prince of Peace
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come again with us to dwell
O Come O Come Emmanuel, Sovereign Grace

Entering the Darkness

Incarnation. What a stunning word.

The infinite, eternal Jesus humbled Himself in the deepest possible way: He cloaked Himself in human flesh.

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14

This is a glorious picture. Jesus "tabernacled" or "dwelt" among us sinful human beings. Jesus willingly endured shameful treatment, wrong accusations, hateful words, rejection, and ultimately, the Father's wrath. He fully entered our brokenness and sinful state to provide redemption.

When I ponder the incredible humility of Jesus, I’m humbled because I don’t always like stepping into others’ lives, bringing loving truth or gentle correction. It’s hard. Bearing burdens, facing hurts, and experiencing rejection is not easy. There are times my flesh wants to run from that.

Yet when I look to Jesus, I wonder that the perfect, all-knowing God would step into my brokenness, foreseeing what He would endure. He had infinitely more reasons to refuse to enter the darkness our sin had brought. Jesus also didn’t receive the approval, the recognition, and the affirmation that often motivate our actions to help others. He didn't demand the love and reverence He deserved. He was worthy of the worship of all, and He didn’t receive it from His own people. In fact, it was the opposite (Jn. 1:11).

But Jesus came. Because of that, we who are believers in Christ have been forgiven and adopted. This is the hope and joy of the incarnation!

"In our longing, in our darkness
Now the light of life has come!
Look to Christ, who condescended
Took on flesh to ransom us."
Come Behold the Wondrous Mystery

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Ministry is a beautiful, wonderful gift from God. But it is often met with much disappointment, hurt, and heartache. Growing up in a pastor’s family, I had countless opportunities for church and life ministry. It produced a lot of joy. But I also realized that the hardest ministry is often the ministry right in front of you.

It’s the choice to love someone who's hurt you deeply over and over.
It’s sharing the gospel with the neighbor who still hasn’t responded.
It’s using your time to serve others rather than pursue selfish gain or pleasure.
It’s gently speaking truth to someone caught in sin.
It’s sacrificing for your family when you don’t feel like it.
It’s serving your church in an unnoticed role.
It’s reaching out to someone who has rejected you. 
It’s honoring and obeying your parents when they aren’t “worthy” of honor.
It’s loving someone who doesn’t love you back.
It’s looking for ways to encourage the younger Christian who annoys you.
It’s secret giving that blesses others.
It’s forgiving someone when you want to hang on to bitterness.

As much as we would like to think ministry is a walk in the park, the truth is, ministry is hard. People misunderstand you, hurt you, and reject you. That friend you counsel may suddenly ignore your advice and refuse to speak to you. The family member you’ve been working hard to reach out to may never respond. The way you serve in your local church may be met with more criticism than appreciation.

How can you continue to love and minister to others when this happens? It’s much more tempting to become cynical of all ministry and people. One thing I’ve learned is that persevering, sacrificial ministry can’t happen when your hope is in people. Most of my disappointment in ministry has been due to how others have treated me. The people you invest in may turn on you. Someone you care about may sin grievously against you. The people you trusted may prove to be untrustworthy. When people hurt you, the natural temptation is to give up on them out of self-protection.

So when the disappointments of ministry hit, you must put your hope in God. He is the only true Refuge when the brokenness of our world and the sinfulness of our hearts and other people’s swallow us. He has loved you with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3). He pursued you when you hated and rejected Him. He never fails you or gives up on you (Deut. 32:4, 2 Tim. 2:13).

God’s love for us demonstrated in the gospel gives us the motivation to love and minister to others unconditionally. When the reality of life-on-life ministry hits us square in the face and makes us want to live in an isolated cabin for the rest of our lives, we must run back to the cross. That is the only way we can love without growing weary (Heb. 12:3).

So the next time a friend rejects you or you have to forgive someone again, remember that Jesus faced the ultimate rejection and suffering for your sake. Ask God to give you the grace to continue to love and serve those around you, no matter how they respond. Ask God to help you put your hope in Him.

This is where the rubber meets the road in ministry, and while it is never an easy road, it is one that can be met with much joy.

 “If you live gladly to make others glad in God, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full.” 
John Piper, Don’t Waste Your Life