Letting Go of the List

I’m a list maker. Before chronic illness, I made my daily to-do list, and no matter how much I had to do, I usually was pretty successful, efficient, and managed to complete everything I needed to do. I hated leaving things undone. I hated waiting til the last minute to finish something (in my mind, "last minute" was finishing a college paper the week it was due). ;)

But when pain and fatigue hit hard, everything changed. Granted, I still made to-do lists. But often half the things would be left undone, and I would constantly end the day frustrated and disappointed. I could never attain my own goals and standards, and I hated that. I strongly believed I was just making lists of the bare minimum; they weren’t even lofty goals by that point.

In that process, I had to learn to let things go. I had to practice saying, “no, I can’t do that.” I discovered that it was ok to put off a chore til another day, or to eat simple foods instead of cooking. I could let someone else pick up groceries for me or cook for me. I had to miss out on fun things with friends. It was one of the hardest things for me: to let things go and to be served.

As someone who likes to help others, but hates "burdening others" by being served, I started to feel like I had lost my purpose in life. I believed the lie that my life didn’t have value because I wasn’t doing the things I once could. My perspective was very skewed and self-centered, ironically.

My to-do list is very different right now. It requires taking time to rest when a wave of fatigue or pain hits. It means leaving a project half-finished or taking a break when I desperately just want to complete it. It means spending nearly all my time at home, doing things at a turtle's pace, whereas before I was always on the go. For this season, my life is very mundane.

And I’m slowly learning to be ok with that.

I fought it for a long time (reality check: I still do some days). I hated my limitations. But by God's grace, I’m learning to let go of my plans. Not because it’s bad. Goals are a very important thing! But God is teaching me to hold everything with an open palm, even my good goals. It's sometimes a painful process, but a necessary one.

I'm continually reminded that my worth is not based on how much I do. Because of Christ, I can rest today, knowing that I’m not loved because of my accomplishments, but simply because He loves me! I don’t have to prove myself to God or to anyone else. I can be faithful to do those little things I can do, and leave the rest in His hands. That’s all He asks of me.

Messy Relationships

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last 10 years, it’s that relationships are messy. That’s probably an obvious statement to you. But yes, as a young teen I did have a skewed view of relationships and conflict, despite much solid teaching. I somehow thought that if/when I got married I wouldn’t have conflict because I was a peacemaker and I hated conflict. I could have a good, happy relationship.

I know. I was pretty naïve and did not understand the depths of my own heart issues and struggles. But over the last several years, God has opened my eyes to that reality. He has used relationships—including many broken ones that I had no power to fix—to show me the sinfulness of my heart, teach me it really looks like to love and forgive, and as a result, experience the joy of entering “messiness.”

Life and ministry have taught me that pouring into others often comes at great personal cost: the road of self-denial. It involves being vulnerable and risking being hurt or rejected. Subsequently, there’s a often much pain that comes from loving, knowing, and caring for people.

It has not been an easy journey. I see my own tendencies towards self-pity, bitterness, and self-protection. It can be difficult for me to trust people‘s intentions or to believe they’re sincere. Yet so often, I’m just looking to protect myself from getting hurt.

But Jesus didn’t do that.

He stepped into my messiness and brokenness to free me from my sin at great personal cost. It wasn’t pretty. When He walked on earth, He faced rejection from even His own people (Jn. 1:11). He was misunderstood (Jn. 9:13-16). His acts of love were viewed as contempt (Mt. 12:24). He experienced separation from the Father and the wrath of the Almighty God for my sin (Mt. 27:46, 2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 3:25).

Even though I had no reason for Jesus to love me, He hasn’t given up on me. It is only when I look to Him, when I see His perfect love demonstrated for me at the cross, am I free to love others without fear (1 Jn. 4:19). It doesn’t mean the struggles with sin disappear, but I can battle with hope.

The gospel gives us hope as we enter a new relationship. As we pour into a younger believer. As we allow ourselves to be known by others. Yes, there is tremendous risk in relationships. But the only way to avoid that risk is to withdraw from people completely. As C.S. Lewis wisely articulated:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

We can try to protect ourselves from the messiness and brokenness of relationships. But in that, we will also become hardened and cold and won't be able to love. I hate the possibility of brokenness. But we can’t experience love without risking that. And if Jesus did that for me, how could I not do the same?

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 33

Comfort. It’s one of the things we all seek, but something chronic illness sufferers especially desire. And understandably so! Comfort from the physical, mental, or emotional pain. Comfort from the stress of life. Comfort from the hurt and heartache.

But where you and I tend to run for comfort doesn’t last. That Netflix binge only comforts as long as you’re distracted. That ice cream only brings comfort while you’re eating it. That relationship only brings comfort as long as they love you the way you want.

Psalm 33 reminded me of this.

“The king is not saved by his great army;
a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
and by its great might it cannot rescue.
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.”
Ps. 33:18-22

There are many things that give us a sense of hope that turn out to be false, like the army or strength or war horse described in verses 16-17. The same is true for comfort. There are many things in life that promise us comfort—Netflix, a relationship, food, sleep, a spouse, the right job, the next day off or vacation, social media validation. Those things can be good, but they will never satisfy our hearts completely.

The only comfort that’s everlasting comes from the Great Comforter, the One who delivers and sustains us (v. 19). God comforts us in all our afflictions (2 Cor. 1:4). He is the God of all comfort (Rom. 15:5). And He uses His Word to bring us comfort (Ps. 119:50). He helps us in our difficulties. All His work is done in faithfulness (v. 4). Because of God's unchanging character, this should be our response:

“Our soul waits for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.” (vs. 20-22)

Yes, we can then wait for God, trust in Him, hope in Him and find our joy in Him. He is the One we can turn to and find lasting comfort and hope. Don't miss out on this by turning to things that will only comfort for a moment, when the One who created you is calling you to come to Him and find rest (Mt. 11:28).

Let these truths comfort your heart today.

The Good in the Most Difficult Days

It’s easy to start the day off wrong when you wake up feeling terrible and in high pain (result of upping chronic infection treatment + normal symptoms). When experiencing high pain, fatigue, and brain fog, my thoughts quickly become irrational and spiral.

At that point, it’s tempting to take an angry, victim mentality: “I don’t deserve this! I can’t take it anymore!”

In those desperate moments, I have to cry out to the Father for grace to persevere. Except sometimes I wallow in anger, despair, or self-pity instead. I doubt God's love and care. I can't see how anything He is doing is good. In my tears, I question if I can trust my Heavenly Father.

Newton gently reminded me:

“Everything is needful that He sends…”

Do you believe that? Do I?

Psalms echoes with the same truth:

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
Psalm 84:11

Yes, as painful as it is to write, everything you and I face today is needed. Even chronic pain. Even conflict with a spouse or friend. Even your battle against remaining sin.

Dear reader, God doesn’t withhold anything that is for your good. He is using those difficult moments to make you more dependent on Him. It's not our strength and ability that make us powerful in the Kingdom. It's our helplessness and dependence that make us most useful. 

No matter how difficult your day is, land on this truth: God is for you and He is good (Rom. 8:31). Everything He does is good (Ps. 119:68). Your dry spell or trials are not a sign of His hatred, but a loving Father’s care to gently draw you to Him. Your emotions will scream in opposition to this, because when the challenges are unrelenting, it does not feel true at all!

Yet in those moments of despair, repeat the truth to your heart:

Everything is needful that He sends. 
No good thing does He withhold. 
Everything He does is good.
God is for me.

This is what I need to remember today.

Comfort from the Psalms: Psalm 69

I woke up groggy, in pain, and feeling pretty yucky overall. As the morning progressed, my symptoms only worsened. I found myself feeling more discouraged with my limitations. While this is a common occurrence in my fight to heal from chronic infections, I still quickly find myself discouraged, frustrated, and weary. This is not how I wanted my day to go. My frustrations built up and I began to get angry at the world.

I opened my Bible, even though I didn’t really want to read. And as I read Psalm 69, God used the honesty and difficulty to soften and encourage my weary heart. There you find much struggle. And yet hope.

“Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck
I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.”

I must admit, I have thought very similar things in my battle with chronic illness and in facing the difficulties of life in a fallen world. David feels overwhelmed by his terrible circumstances. He's walking through deep waters, and then to make matters worse, a flood sweeps over! He compares himself to sinking in mud where there is no place to plant his feet. He’s drowning in the depths. He questions if God will even come to deliver him.

But what struck me is that David didn’t allow his doubt and despair to turn him away from God. Instead he turns to God in his pain:

“But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love
answer me in your saving faithfulness.”

This is what you and I need to do when we wake up and everything seems to be going wrong. When that phone call brings heartbreaking news that a friend was killed in a car accident. When that emergency car repair left you broke and you aren’t sure how to pay for groceries the rest of the month. When that doctor’s appointment brings a devastating diagnosis. When all around you seems to be falling apart, and there is no one to help or comfort you.

David understands this. He laments, “Reproaches have broken my heart, so that I am in despair. I looked for pity, but there was none, and for comforters, but I found none.” (v. 20) Do you ever feel completely alone and helpless? Even the divinely-inspired writer of the Psalms did! Yet David continues to cry out to God:

“Deliver me from sinking in the mire;
let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters.
Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Hide not your face from your servant,
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.” (v. 14-17)

In the midst of suffering, it frequently feels like God is far off. So David calls out to God, “Draw near to my soul, redeem me…” (v. 18) He tells God of his distress, even though God already knows and understands everything about him (vs. 19-29). He asks God to save him on the basis of God's faithfulness, love, and mercy (vs. 13, 16).

And then then David remembers where his hope is found. It's not in his circumstances changing, but in God Himself.

“When the humble see it they will be glad;
you who seek God, let your hearts revive.
For the Lord hears the needy
and does not despise his own people who are prisoners." (vs. 32-33)

Even the purpose of God's deliverance is to remind us that HE is the God who saves. Be encouraged that God hears you and that He will answer. Sometimes that answer comes in the form of grace we don't want. "Uncomfortable grace" as Paul Tripp calls it. Nevertheless, it is exactly the grace we need.

"You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for"
-Wonderful, Merciful Savior