Starting Lyme Treatment... Again

“Can I survive starting Lyme treatment all over again?”

I’ve been wrestling through this for the last few weeks, after I found out that two of my infections, Lyme and Babesia, are still active. It explains a lot of my ongoing symptoms, but it is discouraging since I treated hardcore for a few years and saw much improvement. Chronic illness is a roller coaster.

Facing another antibiotics round and then a long-term herbal protocol is something I definitely didn’t see coming, especially as I look towards my next decade of life.

But here I am again, staring at this one month supply of different antibiotics. I know my immune system is much more stable today than 4.5 years ago when I started Lyme treatment and that this will help. Even still, fear, anxiety, dread, grief hit in waves.

Is God good, even if He asks me to repeat the thing that I previously found to be the darkest season of life?

Yes, because God gives grace for each difficult moment, as I’ve experienced again and again.

So here I am, acknowledging, “not my will but Yours be done”, knowing that as God asks me to walk through treatment again, He will be faithful. I’m entrusting the unknowns of my life, health, and financial burden of treatment, to Jesus—my great Provider.

And so I can walk forward in faith, confident that Jesus will not lead me through anything He hasn’t already walked through (Heb. 4:15-16), and that He will never leave me. 

Today’s pain is temporary, but my hope is eternal.

Fighting Fear

What is the opposite of fear? 

Love? Courage? Faith? Those all could be true. 

But there's another one I heard that struck me. Hope. 

I resonate with this because there was a day I wondered if I’d ever be able to pick up my camera again, play the piano, or do other things I loved. Chronic pain, and the fear that accompanied, made it feel impossible.

You see, when I’m anxious or fearful, I’m expecting that the worst outcomes will come true. I believe that the negative will be reality. I can’t have hope. And if I allow my thoughts to ruminate, I can’t see any way forward. 

In order to not be paralyzed by fear, I have to move from the expectation of something wrong or miserable happening, and instead expect that something good will happen.

This is a challenge in a chronic illness journey. You often protect yourself from hope because you don’t want to be disappointed again. This treatment might work, but it might not. People pray for your healing, to no apparent avail. The healing journey is long and hard. When facing what seems impossible, consider this:

“We may hear our hearts say, ‘It’s hopeless!’ but we should argue back.” Tim Keller

Arguing with that hopelessness, speaking the truth to yourself, is a way of clinging to hope.

It’s normal to be fearful. I’m not condemning you. But if you want to move beyond your fears, practice “expecting hope”.

This isn’t a flippant “learn to see the good” or “just choose joy” response. This is a hard fought battle to believe in a Good Father who loves you and does what’s best for you, even when things appear to be hopeless. It takes time, and you won’t do it perfectly. But as you learn to turn your thoughts towards God’s goodness and care, you will land on hope.

So today, I want to practice being hopeful for the future, instead of focusing on the fearful possible outcomes.

Will you join me?

God's expectations... or yours?

I think sometimes we put higher expectations on ourselves or others than even God does. I know, mind-blowing statement. But hear me out...

We think we have to accomplish x, y, and z, to serve in this capacity, to be involved in this and that ministry. We have to keep up with our job, church, social activities, healthy eating and exercise, and more—and feeling exhausted by the weight of it all. 

Then we turn our self-inflicted (or others-inflicted) expectations on others, telling our friends to do something that we think they must do, when it’s really not our jurisdiction to tell them how to prioritize their time.

What’s incredible is that while I often doubt myself and wonder if I did enough, while I sometimes weigh the pressure or expectations of others or am frustrated by my limitations, I really don’t have to remain spinning and questioning.

While I wonder if I’m doing enough, all God says to me is, 

“she has done what she could.” (Mark 14:8)

Wow.

What a powerful statement. I can do what I am able, and not worry about what I can’t do. This frees me to rest, knowing I have been faithful to do what I can. And that’s enough for Him.

Rest today in that truth.

God's Care through Chronic Illness

“And if not He is still good.”

I considered purchasing a shirt or mug with this phrase during my 4 years of Lyme and co-infection treatment. After multiple doctors, medications, endless bloodwork, and thousands of dollars in supplements and treatments, I was fearful that another treatment would just be agony and not effective.

(Side note: not everyone knows that Lyme treatment is worse than the actual miserable symptoms. I faced my worst depression and suicidal thinking during treatment.)

In the pain, I wrestled with the question that if God didn’t heal me, if my quality of life stayed exactly the same for my lifetime, could He could still be good? Did God still love me if my pain, fatigue, and despair never improved? Could I make it through life in this misery? I cried in anger wondering what God was up to. I took that anger to God, while frequently not believing it made a difference. But I kept crying out because I was desperate.

And He gently, patiently, lovingly reminded me of His care for me. 

Care in His provision of treatment. 

Care in His provision of an amazing doctor. 

Care in His provision of loving family and friends. 

And many other ways...

I’ve never been content with my chronic illness. And I don’t believe God asked me to be. I think that longing for wholeness points me towards heaven. But I did learn that His sustaining grace was evidence of His goodness to me. I’ve learned to trust Him in the dark. So today, while facing pain from a lot of physical and mental work last week, I’m looking at how far I’ve come, and reminding myself that He is still good. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. And forever.

I lost some of the best years of my life.

Chronic illness smacked me upside the head, and suddenly my life was gone. My dreams, hopes, and aspirations vanished. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing anymore.

During 5 years of pursuing root diagnoses and working through various treatments, I remained stuck with very little life. As a type-A firstborn, you can imagine how infuriating this was to me. At one point in treatment I couldn't work at all. I mostly slept and forced myself to shower, cook food occasionally, or do dishes; all slow, difficult tasks at the time. I couldn’t run a quick errand without crashing for the rest of the day. Everything was miserable. 

Looking back over my twenties, it sometimes feels like part of my life was stolen. Your twenties are supposed to be time of learning, exploring, and making an impact. It’s probably the best part of life… at least the season you have the most energy, drive, enthusiasm, and ambition.

And yet here I was, in bed, not sure how I could make it another day.

What about you? Do you feel like you’ve lost some of the best years of your life too?

It’s excruciatingly difficult, no matter what you're facing. And yet for me, that season of extreme weakness, isolation, and massive limitations made me reconsider my purpose and my identity in ways I never had. 

Honestly, I still don’t know where I'm going in the next 10 years. My life is still slower than most, despite gradual healing. But I do know this: My God is faithful and does not waste anything. 

The years of extreme pain and debilitating fatigue are not for nothing, because my Father is a redeeming God (Joel 2:25, Psalm 126:5). My pain has been God’s method of grace to me, softening my rough edges, producing grace and compassion, and helping me see eternity for what it is. The detour has been my road. A painful and rocky one, yes. But one filled with countless evidence of God’s love and care, if I can only look hard enough to see past the pain. 

That’s what He wants you to see too--His nearness and gentleness and care. And then watch Him redeem the years you lost, and find that gain to be even better.

“And somehow every unexpected climb

Makes Your goodness that much harder to deny

You’ve been good to me I am safe to hope

I will dare to believe when the way is long and slow

And I am full of doubt but You are kind and close

I will trust the detour is the road

This time will not be wasted

All the sorrow I have tasted

You sing hope across the valley of my tears

Sometimes love looks like delay

But You walk me through the wait

And I am learning laughter even here

You are with me here”

The Detour from the album Faithful, various artists

Living with Scars

My body doesn’t heal as well as it should. 

I have a scar on my ankle from scratching myself with a large stick 8 months ago. Yes, a stick.

I laugh, but sometimes I'm a little frustrated with the reminders that my body has not healed from chronic illness yet. The scars still remind me of what a long, difficult journey this has been, and point out my ongoing lack. 

What about you? Do your scars discourage you too?

Maybe you still feel a twinge of pain whenever something reminds you of past hurt. 

Perhaps Christmas is still a difficult reminder of the loss of a loved one. 

No matter how hard you try, maybe your health just won’t improve.

Despite desperate attempts, your marriage or another important relationship remains broken.

It might be your choices that have reaped pain for you, or those you love. 

Or maybe you just experienced loss in general in 2020, and this empty Christmas season vividly reminds you of it.

Often we hide our scars, feeling shame or guilt. We force a smile and pretend they don't exist. We wish they would just disappear. Yet they just continue to remind us of the brokenness of life even when buried deep within.

I wish I could tell you that your scars will go away. But that would be naive. It's possible they may continue to remind you of past hurt. But that doesn't mean healing can't take place. A scar is much different from an open wound that gushes blood every time it's hit again.

Jesus wants to bring healing to your wounds. He desires to take those places of brokenness, pain, and heartache and transform it into something beautiful. Your pain does not have to define you.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18

Your scars can be transformed into something beautiful. They can enable you to reach others you would never be able to understand or have compassion towards. Your particular scars provide a unique opportunity for you to love and minister to others who are hurting.

But first you need some healing. Emmanuel (God with us) comes near to dwell with YOU. He wants to comfort and heal your heart.

Will you come to Him?

Life is Hard: Facing the Tough Things with Hope

When I was young, I was scared of suffering and persecution. I wondered if I could stay faithful to Christ under torture. I wanted to follow God, but I questioned if I could endure physical pain, isolation, or rejection, should that come my way.

I loved my home, my family, my comfort, and my community, and I didn't want to lose it.

But in a heartbeat, everything changed. The community I was deeply invested in and trusted, turned on me and my family. Betrayal stung deeper than physical pain. Grief clung like a shadow, reminding me every time I looked at it, of deep loss.

Yet it didn't end. Then came chronic illness. Worsening symptoms for no apparent reason, extreme limitations and pain when I tried to do things I loved, brought more loss and grief. Everything about me, everything that defined me, was suddenly gone. 

I didn't even know who I was anymore. I wanted to give up on God, on my faith. Nothing seemed worth it. 

Faithfulness to Christ hasn't meant a life of abandon on the mission field currently, as I frequently envisioned as a child. It hasn't required prison time, secret church meetings, beatings, or torture. No, but following Christ has still been far more difficult than I imagined... 

It's meant clinging to Christ when everyone in our church turned on us. 

It's meant doing what was right when things were incredibly wrong and unjust. 

It's meant facing hurt and betrayal so deep from people we called friends that it left permanent scars. 

It's meant enduring horrible physical pain and fatigue and isolation.

It's meant walking through lyme and co-infection treatment that I felt would kill me.

It's meant battling my deepest fears and hurt and not denouncing God. 

It's meant experiencing the darkest hopelessness and not taking my own life.

It's meant not rejecting God even though I wanted to blame him for everything horrible that happened.

Those things display a little of what taking up my cross has looked like for me. Most of my suffering has been in silence. It's come from the church, not outside God-haters. It's been in the isolation due to infections in my body, not isolated imprisonment by others. The "backwardness" of my suffering caused me to question everything I believed.

What hard things has God asked you to walk through? Maybe it's not the the pain of persecution or torture. But that doesn't mean it's not just as hard. 

Whatever pain and heartache you wrestle with matters to God. Your questions, anger, and doubt are met with grace and compassion. Scars may remain, but you can experience healing. The trials are God's way of reclaiming your heart, revealing areas where you love something else more than Him. And in that difficult, sanctifying work of suffering, Jesus shines brighter:

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Cor. 4:8-10

Your suffering produces a beautiful reflection of Christ in you and makes you more sensitive to the hurting people around you. It can help you to love betters and stay focused on what really matters.

And that is a value greater than diamonds.

When Fear Threatens to Take Over

I woke up with a few itchy hives, and fear battled for control of my thoughts. Normally hives wouldn't be a source of fear, but after 15 weeks of chronic hives, my mind immediately spins:

What if they don’t go away? What if they get really severe again?

It was a nightmare. Several months ago, a few random hives started up for unknown reasons. I thought they'd go away. But after gradually getting worse over a few weeks, I knew something wasn't right.

After a severe, painful hives explosion that I thought might send me to the ER (during COVID), my doctor prescribed several meds that I’ve been on for around 10 weeks now. And they made a huge difference. I thought the hives were pretty much gone.

But today fear and panic set the tone for my day when a handful of hives bugged me again (even with meds).

Life is hard, and so much is outside of our control. One day I’m making it just fine and proud of my health progress, the next day pain and fatigue take over and I’m helplessly crying again, discouraged about my limitations.

Weakness threatens all forms of self-sufficiency. It combats pride in my success or accomplishments. It tells me, “you can’t do this.” And that's when fear laughs.

Fear, in and of itself, is not wrong. But as Paul Tripp says, it makes a very bad master. Fear can drive me to despair and hopelessness. 

Or it can point me to the One where true hope is found.

When my lack of control stares me in the face and I don’t know what next week or even tomorrow will look like, I have to consciously stop the spiral of fearful thoughts and choose to focus on what’s true today: 

God is in control. 

He is faithful. 

My life might be hard, but He is still good. 

God has not left me alone.

While I don’t know what will happen tomorrow and whether my health will see improvement or another crisis, I know there will be sufficient grace then. Manna grace as I like to think of it—the kind Israel experienced in the day-by-day provision of their most basic needs. Not the kind of grace that takes us out of the hard, but the kind of grace we actually need.

So while my life hasn’t looked like I “planned”, and even though healing still includes ups and downs, God is still there. He has not left me. He is not wasting my pain—but redeeming it, somehow. He will not allow anything that is not for my benefit.

It may not be what I want. But somehow, it will still be good.

And that’s what I’m clinging to today.

To those stuck at home....

This has been a crazy time across our nation, with many stay at home orders in place. Perhaps you’re feeling frustrated, stir crazy, unproductive, or limited.

Maybe it’s not because you need to do anything, but your lack of ability to choose where you go or what you do makes you feel stuck.

I get that.

For a year and a half, I was stuck at home in the intensity of chronic lyme + co-infection treatment. Venturing out of my home once a week was a sign of a good week, and usually only for an hour or two, to run an errand or make it to church.

I despised the “stuck” feeling, yet my pain, fatigue, and constantly fluctuating symptoms made it extremely unmotivating to go out. Feeling paralyzed and purposeless, clinging to hope in the slow treatment season was incredibly difficult.

My body was my limitation and it kept me from doing everything I wanted to do.

Today, most of us are stuck at home to some extent. As we're limited in what we can do, let's allow that to increase our compassion for our friends and family members whose limitations keep them from getting out most of the time. That stuck feeling you feel right now? They face it too. That fear of not knowing exactly when this will end? They battle that daily.

Except unlike COVID-19, those with chronic illness have no guarantee it will end. Will this be the rest of life? It could be. They walk moment-by-moment, getting just enough “manna” to make it through the day, not knowing how they can do it again tomorrow.

And somehow, they still do. Because God's grace is sufficient (2 Cor. 12:8-10).

His grace is sufficient for you in this season of job loss, sickness, and unknowns. And it is sufficient for the friend or family member stuck at home with chronic illness.

You now have a fresh understanding of the pain and frustration those with chronic illness face daily. You may not have the exact same struggles, but God can use this season of unknown to cultivate grace in your heart for others.

So love those around you. Be patient and gentle (Rom. 12:10, Eph. 4:2). Extend grace. You can’t always see the internal battles others face.

While you’re waiting to get back to normal life, remember that the chronically ill are desperate to get back any semblance of normal life too. They hate being stuck as much as you.

Let's remember that uncertainty, weakness, and limitations are meant to direct us to the One who has no limitations or needs. They're meant to remind us that we are not self-sufficient. The frustration you feel today is part of life in a broken world. In the unknowns of the future and the limitations of today, may we find God faithful and good--more than ever before.

"May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light."

Colossians 1:11-12

Holding Out Hope

What are you holding out hope for?

We all grasp for hope in some form, because that’s how we’re wired. And right now, with a pandemic sweeping the nation, we're all holding out hope for things to go back to normal.

Just like winter holds out hope of spring, I’ve been holding out hope too. Hope that I would reach some semblance of “normal life” again.

Not normal in same category of my energy and life pre-chronic illness. But not “stuck in bed half the day after a grocery store run” either. Not pain that causes me to stop everything. Just the ability to work and to enjoy life again.

And I’m slowly getting there.

It's a long journey, and not without extreme challenges--continually learning to pace, how to handle "crash days", riding the rollercoaster of daily symptoms (which are milder overall, but not gone), and facing the emotional toll of life with limitations. I'm learning that the journey to healing is a challenge in and of itself.

Countless questions run through my head. Fear can overwhelm and direct those thoughts and questions.

And I bet you feel that right now too, in some way.

If you're desperately longing for hope and feeling like nothing is ever going to work, please don’t give up yet. Let's walk on this journey together. And may we find that as we face our deepest fears and hardest days, God is near. Underneath our cold, wintery exteriors, God gently softens our hearts, bringing healing where there is hurt and brokenness.

Just like winter begins to melt and bright buds spark excitement, bringing hope that the dreary winter will not last forever, hope is within reach for you too.

Will you draw near with me to the One who IS hope?

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:24

Looking Back... (health update!)

I have walked through some very dark nights in my battle with Lyme disease + several co-infections, a developing autoimmune disease, chronic gut infections, mold toxicity, and detox issues. It's been a long journey, including 5 years of ongoing diet, supplement, and medication adjustments, and 2.5 years of rigorous Lyme/co-infection treatment.

Over two years ago I wrote my first post on my chronic illness journey. Looking back now, I'm remembering what I've been through and grateful for where God has brought me, even if it's not complete healing.

Because over the last several years, there have been many restless nights where I was incredibly exhausted, yet couldn’t sleep.

I have experienced stomach pain so severe, I curled up in a ball moaning, feeling like I might die.

I have faced extreme pain and fatigue to the extent I couldn’t even get words out.

I have had fatigue and brain fog so bad I couldn't do anything but stare into space.

I experienced what it was like for doctors to not really believe me or think that I just needed anti-depressants.

I have battled extreme hopelessness, thinking my life had no value and would never improve, to the point that I desperately wanted to take my own life.

I have angrily cried out at God, blaming Him for how He treated me and questioning His goodness and care.

I have battled paralyzing fear.

Honestly, many of these emotions and struggles resurfaced when I started IV treatments in November that significantly increased my pain and fatigue (for a solid 2 months straight). Eighteen IVs later, I'm finally feeling hopeful again about the gradual improvement I've seen.

Yes, I still have pain and inflammation daily (autoimmune repercussions that will linger), but much less severely. I still have to stop and rest or take breaks, but I can get through most days without having to lay down. I still have to pace myself, but I can do things again. May sound small, but this is such a huge, encouraging improvement!

Remembering where I've come and how God has been faithful keeps me moving forward right now. Because I'm still not where I wish I could be. But I'm also not where I was.

For those of you still deep in the darkness of night, wondering how you’ll ever make it through—I don't want to discourage you or minimize your pain. I also don't mean to cast a false idea that my life is wonderful (it's not). But may I encourage you today? Your circumstances may be hard, but hope comes as we remember...

Remember God’s faithfulness (Deut. 7:9, Ps. 40:11).
Remember God’s loving care to you right now (Ps. 56:8, 1 Pet. 5:7).
Remember that joy will come again (Ps. 30:5).
Remember that this will end (2 Cor. 4:16-18).
Remember the gospel—hope bigger than your circumstances (1 Pet. 1:3-9).

This is the hope I'm breathing when life tells me all is hopeless. Will you join me in remembering and resting in the faithfulness of God?

Broken, but Beautiful

You thought things were going okay, when suddenly you find yourself sinking under the weight of loss, struggles, pain, your past, or life changes. You don't even know what just happened. All you know is that you feel terribly broken.

The disciples felt something like this on the boat during a huge storm. They were sure they were going to sink, and Jesus was going to sleep through it. Get this: they had Jesus, the Lord over the wind and waves, with them... but the storm threatened, and they freaked out, yelling at Jesus, "We're dying!" (Luke 8:22-25)

I resonate with the disciples' plight. I have a heavenly Father who walks with me through every moment of pain and difficulty, and yet sometimes I freak out or blame Him for the pain. I might even say something similar the disciples, "What are you doing God? I'm gonna die."

Do you ever feel this way?

The journey towards healing--whether that's from painful past hurt, chronic health problems, or your own life choices, is a long, strenuous one. We all walk through deep brokenness, and it impacts each of us in different, but weighty, ways.

Sometimes that brokenness leaves us feeling empty and without words. No one understands. We know we need to cast the burden on the Father, but we can't even munger up any words. That's ok. You can still cry out:

"God, help me. I can't do this."

God is there. He hears your cry and He answers. The Spirit intercedes for you with groanings to deep for words (Rom. 8:26). Wow, let that one seep in! As you cry out, allow God to comfort your heart (Ps. 94:19, 18:2). He is near to the brokenhearted (Ps. 34:18).

Another powerful truth: God not only wants to comfort you in your pain, but He wants to use your brokenness for good. It may enable you to reach a person you could have never reached before. It may give you grace and sympathy for others who are struggling. Your pain demonstrates this incredible reality:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." 2 Cor. 4:7

I've heard it explained that the imagery of us being "clay pots" implies that we're easily chipped or broken. But that's how God does His best work. He uses the things that are weak, the things others would overlook, to showcase His strength.

So let God work through you, a broken vessel, perfecting you and revealing His power (2 Cor. 12:9). When life is crushing, remember that He is producing beauty in and through your brokenness. Cry out to Him in your weakness, and let Him demonstrate His power.

He will use you more powerfully than you can imagine.

What's the point of this pain?

Do you ever ask yourself, "What's the point of all this pain?"

I do.

I'm trying two new IV treatments which involve me driving 4.5 hours round trip to my doctor once or twice a week. Phew. The rest of my time is spent recovering from driving and treatment and keeping up with basic tasks! I didn't expect another intense treatment round, so it was a very discouraging idea at first. To me, it's kind of a last-resort type of thing to improve lingering pain/fatigue from my years of chronic lyme, co-infections, and autoimmune issues. Thankfully, I'm stable enough to make this drive (HUGE praise!), even though it's exhausting.

Though from the outside this treatment appears hopeful, I have battled a lot of fear. There are many unknowns. About health. Finances. Future. Whether this will make a difference. And many more things...

Can I be honest? The last five years of my life have been one thing after another. I'm tired of living day-by-day. Tired of all the unknowns, the rollercoaster of symptoms and emotions, the physical overreactions to stress, the sudden inability to push through "normal life"... the forced rest, slow pace, mundane.

I'm weary of it all.

Starting new treatment felt like I was choosing to walk through hell. Again. I was very resistant at first. It is still painful for me to recall the excruciating physical pain and fatigue that's resulted from lyme/co-infection treatment. But often what scares me more than physical symptoms is the accompanying deep depression. It has been a long, strenuous battle.

The planner side of me longs for a future. Things to look forward to and to work towards. I long for some semblance of a normal life. Slowing down again to focus on treatment and live day-by-day was not on my agenda!

Then I remember, how long did the Israelites wander through the wilderness, forced to daily rely on God for the most basic need (of food)?

Forty years.

In that long season, God was proving Himself trustworthy to Israel. Over and over. Through their lack, He was teaching them to lean on Him. This was a work of grace. Even in their anger and accusations against God, He continued to demonstrate His kindness to His people.

And He's doing the same for me. For you.

So what's the point of this pain? While I don't have all the answers, I know it is slowly helping me cling to the God, who deserves my trust. To lean on Him instead of myself. To taste and see that He is good, even when life is not. In the midst of the pain, His kindness and care and gentleness are evident, if I will only open my eyes to it.

God may not feel trustworthy to you right now because of the deep pain and heartache you face. It's ok to wrestle in that way. But He has not abandoned you in your wilderness. He displays His love and care for you in your deepest darkness. And the One who has redeemed you will not let you go. Cling to the Rock, and let Him comfort your heart today.