When Prayers are Unanswered

God doesn’t often answer our prayers in the way we’d like. He doesn’t always take away the trouble. But He does answer:

“On the day I called, You answered me;
my strength of soul You increased.”
Psalm 138:3

God answers by strengthening us, enabling us to stand against the pressures of life.

This is grace.

It isn’t the form of grace I generally appreciate. Most often, I plead for the trial to go away. I long for life to be better. It's not wrong to want that. God gave us that yearning to help us long for heaven, the day when all will be made right. Until then, the curse of sin has left this world broken.

On the other hand, sometimes we miss what God is doing right now because we are so focused on getting out of the difficulty. Vaneetha Rendall Risner talks about "rescuing grace" and "sustaining grace" in her book, The Scars that Have Shaped Me. We all long for rescue from our circumstances. Yet there is something beautiful to be gained from sustaining grace in a trial. Vaneetha explains:

"With sustaining grace, we must continually go back to God. This grace is not a one-time thing, just as manna was not a one-time event. We need it every day. And it keeps us dependent on God. With sustaining grace, we get more of Jesus. His comfort, his nearness, his very presence."

Psalm 138 continues with a similar theme...

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You preserve my life…
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” (vs. 7a, 8a)

God is fulfilling His purpose for you. That is not to sound cliché or make light of your suffering, but to provide hope. God walks with you. He preserves you when you feel like you cannot make it another day. This is sustaining grace. Vaneetha looks back on her lack of rescuing grace in the midst of much suffering and imparts this wisdom:

“God loved me enough not to rescue me. He knew I needed to see him, to sense his presence, to understand his heart. I needed those things more than I needed rescue.”

This is a hard truth, but a freeing one. Have you wondered sometimes how you've made it this far? How you've pushed through so much pain and fatigue? How you've persisted, despite the tremendous hurt and suffering you've experienced?

This is grace. God's sustaining grace. And that same grace will be with you and keep you to the end.

"Through many dangers, toils and snares 

We have already come. 

Twas grace that brought us safe thus far, 

And grace will lead us home."

If you want an encouraging book from someone who has suffered greatly, read The Scars that Have Shaped Me: How God Meets Us in Suffering!

How Illness can be More Fruitful than Health

If you had asked me a year or two ago if chronic illness could be more useful or fruitful than health, I would've replied, "No way!" Now of course, I never would tell that to a suffering person. But I definitely thought it regarding my own health problems.

Sickness greatly hinders my productivity. It keeps me from serving and ministry. It prevents participation in church life. It creates a huge financial burden on others I become dependent on. Ongoing sickness seems like a complete waste of time. 

This was my perception of my chronic illness. Spurgeon challenged me in his statement:

“Sickness has frequently been of more use to the saints of God than health has.”

Charles Spurgeon didn't just say this out of naivety. He experienced ongoing health problems and depression. His wife fought chronic illness and couldn't leave home to hear him preach for an extended period.

By God's grace, there are many things I’m continually learning about His work through sickness and suffering. I hope it will encourage you too, no matter the form of suffering you face.

Five ways chronic illness can be more fruitful than health:

1. Illness directs you to greater dependence on God. (2 Cor. 12:9-10) Often when we are well, we are incredibly self-sufficient, even though we desire to be dependent on God. Have you comes to grips with your own weakness and inability through illness or pain? This tumultuous, trying season helps point to your daily need for God. And what a beautiful thing, when in your weakness, His strength shines through.


2. Illness cultivates compassion on others who are suffering. (2 Cor. 1:3-7) Did you formerly walk by those who were suffering without much thought about how you could help or encourage them? Or perhaps you came across harsh to those you were trying to help. I have been guilty of this. Illness cultivates compassion for others who are hurting. So in essence, your sickness is making you more like Jesus!


3. Illness tests and reveals your heart. (Deut. 8:2) Just as God tested the Israelites in the desert to show them what was in their hearts, He often uses suffering to reveal what is in ours. And it's not usually very pretty. There is hope though, because whenever we are faced with the ugliness of our sin, we can confess that and find cleansing and freedom through Jesus. As your sin is on display through illness, run to Jesus, letting Him transform your heart and make you more like Him.


4. Illness pushes you to find your identity in Christ. (Col. 3:3) Has this sudden loss of everything has made you feel like you are no longer the same person? Me too. What's encouraged me is that what I can or can't do does not change who I am. Accomplishments, success, relationships, a job, or ministry do not give us purpose and meaning. Our purpose in life is found in being united with Christ. 


5. Illness reminds you that heaven is coming. (Eph. 1:11-14) We have an glorious inheritance ahead of us! The trials of today seem eternal. But they are not. If sickness can wean us from our attachment to the world and help us long for heaven, then it is producing great fruit in us. This future-oriented perspective makes us more effective in life and ministry.

I have wrestled with the purpose of my own extended season of chronic illness. I’ve frequently wondered, “How would my isolation and illness possibly be of more use than health?” But this season is not wasted. Not for you and not for me. In fact, you may look back on it and find that it was the most fruitful, growing season in your life. Take heart. God is using this difficulty in ways you cannot yet see.

Take Me Back to the Good Ol' Days

“Wish we could turn back time to the good old days…” Twenty One Pilots

All of us have natural tendencies to be past, present, or future oriented. None of these ways of looking at the world are wrong in and of themselves. In fact, unique perspectives provide different strengths and insights into life. Diversity is a beautiful thing.

Over the last few years of chronic illness and difficulties, I’ve identified a strong tendency to be past-oriented. I look back five or more years ago and remember how great life was—how much I enjoyed work, people, and life. I remember how passionate and eager I was to impact the world.

Those were the “good ol’ days”.

There is wisdom in remembering the past. God often warned Israel that their complaining and unfaithfulness was due to forgetting. But interestingly, the Israelites were actually looking back and remembering something. Yet not in the way God intended:

“And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness, and the people of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” Exodus 16:2-3

Israel looked back on their slavery, and all they could see was that they had plenty of food. They looked back on their bondage with a type of nostalgia that it was better than their current circumstances. Instead of seeing God's faithfulness in delivering them, they could only focus on their perceived losses.

I'm far too like the Israelites than I'd care to admit. In my efforts to look back and remember something happy, I’m not always considering God’s faithfulness, but rather using it as an excuse to gripe about my current circumstances (this isn’t fair) or bemoan in self-pity (why me?).

“And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp.” Numbers 11:1

God’s anger burned against Israel in their complaining and caused some of them to die! That’s pretty strong. But they still didn't relent...

“And the people of Israel also wept again and said, “Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at.” Numbers 11:4b-6

If you battle chronic illness, you know how tempting it is to look back on how life was before and to long for that again. Wanting to be healthy or involved in normal life is not wrong. Grieving the loss is ok. Maintaining hope for healing is crucial. But if looking back to how life was before sickness leads you to complain and get angry with God, that is not the kind of remembering God intends. It is sin.

I struggle with this too. Life is not how I would like it, and it’s easy for me to get stuck seeing all the negative. If you've been there, the gospel gives us hope if we confess our sin of complaining. We don't have to face the the anger of the Lord because Jesus bore His wrath on our behalf. But God didn't save us to let us remain in our sin. He graciously brings conviction that we might turn away from it and turn to Him, finding freedom and hope.

As we look to the past, let's be careful that we are remembering God’s faithfulness and goodness, leading to gratitude, and not complaining about our losses.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds." Psalm 77:11-12

Coming Soon...

I’ve always loved writing. It’s been a great way for me to process and apply truth to my heart over the years, as well as an opportunity to share what I’m learning and hopefully encourage others. So I’ve had various ideas and writing projects that I’ve worked on, but for reasons beyond my control, none ever came to fruition.

In battling chronic illness, writing suddenly became tremendously difficult, and I gave up the dream of anything ever panning out from a book or resource perspective. I also doubted my ability to write at all, because I found it to be so challenging. I stopped writing and even journaling for about a year and a half.

Then, an unexpected opportunity came to help write a biblical counseling booklet for chronic illness sufferers. Battling chronic illness personally opened my eyes to the lack of resources on this topic and the importance of a compassionate and hopeful approach to those who are suffering. So you can imagine my excitement and timidity when Dr. Mark Shaw said that we should write a booklet together!

Despite hardly writing a word for months on end, the words flowed seamlessly, and I knew exactly what I wanted to share. I can only attribute this to God's grace in how He's worked in my heart and the timing of this resource. I would have never chosen to write on this topic had I not walked through it and without someone else encouraging me to do it. Thanks to the help of a wise biblical counselor and author, the last year+ of work is finally nearing the end!

Hope and Help for Chronic Illness, co-authored with Dr. Mark Shaw, will be published this year! Honestly, I'm still in shock most days that it's actually happening. Our desire is that this booklet will be an encouraging, hopeful, compassionate resource for those battling chronic illness or walking with someone through its challenges.

Stay tuned for more of the story and for booklet updates… :)

When Life Hurts: Is God Really Enough?

“God is enough.”

You’ve heard this countless times. And so have I.

In theory, I know it’s true. But if I'm honest, I don’t always live as if it is true.

When a day is full of detours and setbacks, or my pain escalates again, or I physically crash, or bad new hits broadside, or everything feels like it's been taken away, and nothing seems to be getting better, I want to give up. I doubt God’s goodness. I don't believe He's enough.

Asking myself, “Is God enough for me?” in the midst of seemingly unbearable circumstances is painful. I want to say “yes”, but I also long for things to get better. I want the promise that I can have both.

Ultimately I want life to go my way.

That is incredibly difficult to admit. I think I deserve happiness or things to be easy and carefree. It’s hard to recognize those sinful desires until something I love is taken away and I get angry or bitter. However, having that temporary fulfillment of things going my way only tempts me find joy in my circumstances. Those things I think will make me happy may actually turn my heart away from God.

Habakkuk also had to ask himself the question, "Is God enough?" Things were quite ugly in his life too. There wasn’t even food—talk about a basic need! Everything was falling apart. It wasn't pretty. Yet in His grace, God brought Habakkuk to a place of joy, despite bleak circumstances:

“Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.” 3:17-18

In regards to this passage, Matt Chandler comments:

“If Christ is your greatest joy, all circumstances push us towards Him. If He’s not your greatest treasure, then whatever you are ultimately treasuring is at risk of being removed from you. Christ is what can’t be taken from you; everything else can.”

God is working through those miserable circumstances we face today to wean us from our joy in temporary things and find joy in Him. We may not realize that we love God for what He gives us until those things are taken away. It is a tough process, as our idols are unveiled and our desires for comfort, pleasure, success, or whatever else are on display. But it it through this gruesome, refining process that God turns our joy from fleeting pursuits to everlasting joy in Him.

This means that those days full of pain, disappointment, and heartache are the gracious work of God. As we realize how broken and empty the pleasures and happiness of today are, we can find that God really is enough.

Fighting to Persevere

Some days the tears won’t stop. I don’t mean because of grief or a difficult circumstance; I just mean because of exhaustion, pain, weariness, and general discouragement. This is not uncommon in life with chronic illness (and herxing from increased chronic Lyme doses again). It is an intense battle for me to focus on truth between the tears and pain. I want to give up on treatment. On doing emotionally draining things. On trying anything new. Or just trying to live life semi-normally (whatever that means). I don’t even want to keep going. Everything in life feels disheartening.

The last couple days I've been reading and thinking about the latter part of Hebrews 10. It speaks to me in my suffering (and in yours):

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised… But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls." Heb. 10:35-36, 39

The author of Hebrews knows suffering can weigh us down and tempt us to give up. That's why he tells us that we have need of endurance (v. 36) and that we must not throw away our confidence (v. 35). Then he gives us hope. If God is sovereign over our lives (and He is) then part of doing the will of God (v. 36) is persevering through suffering, hard as it may be. But if we do, we have a promise to receive—an imperishable inheritance for all of eternity. It is a an eternal focus that keeps us fighting to persevere.

Some will face suffering and turn away from God. This picture of "shrinking back" in verse 39 is one of giving up or withdrawing in fear. But believers are those who "have faith and preserve their souls" (v. 39).

I don't know about you, but I don't have an ounce of perseverance within me. Somedays I honestly don't know how I've made it to today. How can I keep from becoming one of those "who shrink back and are destroyed?"

Then I'm reminded of a crucial truth sometimes referred to as "the perseverance of the saints" that my brother has reminded me of (through playing it on the piano lately):

When I fear my faith will fail
Christ will hold me fast
When the tempter would prevail
He will hold me fast
I could never keep my hold
Through life’s fearful path
For my love is often cold
He must hold me fast

The truth is, I can’t do this on my own. But Christ holds me and preserves my faith. Matthew Henry puts it this way:

“And those who have been kept faithful in great trials for the time past, have reason to hope for the same grace to help them still to live by faith, till they receive the end of their faith and patience, even the salvation of their souls.” 

So don’t give up or shrink back, no matter how difficult your circumstances may be. Lift up your eyes towards eternity as you fight to persevere and turn to the One who is holding you and keeping you to the end.

When You Feel Empty

Do you feel empty today? Overwhelmed by the pressures of life? Worn out from never-ending, dismal circumstances? The uncertainty of your health? Feeling like you're as low as you could possibly be?

You're not alone. Charles Spurgeon is one of the many believers who felt the as you do. Yet he had something insightful to say:

Charles Spurgeon battled depression pretty much his whole life. Yet he is considered one of the greatest preachers of the 19th century. Why? Not because he had his life together, but because in his weakness and frailty, God used him. Spurgeon learned through his depression to lean more heavily on God, to fight the fear and despair with faith, and to persevere through the hard of life in a broken, sin-cursed world.

This encourages me when the lies attack...

• "My weaknesses and struggles make me ineffective and unqualified to minister to or encourage others."
• "It’s wrong for me to write or tell others something when I struggle to believe the same truths myself."

But as I was reminded by a friend recently, those struggles are exactly the reason it matters. I don’t have my life together. I’m a sinner just like you who needs grace to make it through today. My story or avenue of writing isn’t about my successes or my victories, but my daily need for Jesus.

It’s tempting for young people to be self-sufficient because we have energy and drive. I know I was (and let's be honest, I still am sometimes!). Chronic illness humbled me and made me more dependent on God and others. While that was extremely difficult and pride-shattering, it has been one of the best things that has happened to me.

Without emptiness, without my struggles, without my chronic illness, and most importantly, without God’s grace to hold and keep me, I would not be where I am today. I would be a proud, self-sufficient person lacking grace for others who are hurting. I would not grasp the depth of my sin. I would not have compassion for those struggling. Remarkably, God uses those very things we despise to deeply work in our hearts and to display His power:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Cor. 4:7-10

You may feel that you can't get any lower. Consider this: God is using your emptiness to prepare you for being filled and to transform you into something beautiful. The Enemy desires our struggles and suffering to render us ineffective in the Kingdom. But God wants to redeem those losses, battles against remaining sin, and weaknesses to shine forth His incomparable power and unsurpassable worth.

Let God show Himself strong through your emptiness and weakness.

Making Sense of Pain

There are days when I wake up in deep pain (worse than the norm) or points in the day when I suddenly find my pain escalating. Often in those moments my mind spins on a hamster wheel:

Did I eat something wrong?
Is my treatment worsening symptoms?
Did I over-exert myself yesterday?
Is it just a Lyme flare?

My mind starts this endless cycle, trying to make sense of my suffering. I want to understand, as if it will somehow make me ok with what's happening.

It’s helpful to recognize patterns and to determine if certain things you eat, take, or do help or hinder your progress. But I’ve also realized that there is so much I just can't figure out.

Yet I want to understand.
I want a reason.
I want to make sense of my pain.

The reality? I’m fighting at least 5 active infections (Lyme and others), plus an autoimmune response that causes a lot of pain and inflammation. It's impossible to make sense of my body’s pain, fatigue, dizziness, or other daily symptoms and why they suddenly change. I can’t pinpoint or predict what causes an increase in pain and fix the problem, as desperately as I want to.

One thing's for sure—my body aches. It groans in pain. It's like living in an 80 year old body; except I'm only 25! While some days I can push through with minimal distraction, other days I just have to stop.

Amazingly, Scripture speaks to my pain:

“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.” Romans 8:22-23

I deeply long for my pain to be relieved. For it to all be over. But God, in His grace, has chosen not to heal me yet. He's working through my groanings—teaching me to long for future redemption and instead of getting caught up in what is temporary. When I was a child, even as a believer I didn't understand the beauty of heaven because life here-and-now was so great. However, suffering has weaned me from that perspective and helped me long for something better. Good fruit results from groaning (and the sanctifying work of suffering).

But you know another beautiful thing? The Spirit groans with us. In our weakness and suffering, He intercedes for us. He enters into our brokenness. He groans alongside us. Romans 8 continues:

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26

Isn’t this incredible? In my pain today—in your pain today—the Spirit is groaning with you. John Piper explains that the Spirit groans through our groanings. While the Spirit could perfectly communicate with the Father through words, instead He chooses to do so through groanings. Piper suggests that the Spirit isn't just groaning Himself, but that He inspires and directs our groans—to simultaneously long for things to be made right and for God to be glorified.

Let that sink in. There is so much depth in this truth. The Spirit is groaning with and through us.

No matter what form of pain or suffering you face, that longing you have for things to be made right—that groaning—is for complete redemption. For heaven. For the brokenness and curse to be made right. This is a good thing.

Instead of spinning on the hamster wheel trying to make sense of your pain and suffering today, let your groanings—whether physical, emotional, or spiritual—help you long for heaven. Your trials will not all make sense now, but one day we will more deeply appreciate the renewal and redemption of our bodies and the world because of the brokenness we experienced today.

There is purpose in the pain.

Beauty in Weakness

Usually we share on social media the parts of our lives that are spotless, beautiful, and exciting. No one wants to admit the difficult or the ugly. We like the cleaned-up version of ourselves. We present an image that beauty is found in personal strength.

Let me be honest here: 95% of my posts are written out of weakness. They’re not written on days when things are carefree or I have this light bulb revelation of truth that makes the day wonderful. Instead, they're written out of the nitty-gritty, challenging struggles of daily life. They come from my own wrestlings with truth. Honestly, it's a way of reminding myself of the hope found in the gospel.

I know I don't have anything new or profound to say. Many can write better than I. Some days I'm not even sure if my writing makes sense! But my desire in blogging is that out of my weakness and wrestlings you too will find hope. Just like the movies, where characters search for hope of a better future or a hero to save them, we too all long for hope. God placed this desire in us. Those battling chronic illness or chronic pain must continually fight for hope. Amazingly, there is a purpose in this:

God wants our struggles, weakness, and hopeless desperation to turn us to hope in Him.

Yet there are many days I don't find my hope in Him. In my pain or lack of healing, I question God or get angry at Him. However, in my doubting and sometimes sinful responses, one of the most encouraging reminders is the truth that God will not let me go. I assure you, had my hold on hope been left up to me, I would've failed.

But God is faithful.

I don't mean to sound cliche. That powerful statement resonates deeply within me because I've experienced His faithfulness day-by-day over the last few years of intense chronic illness, as well as through several other deep heartaches and painful circumstances. There's no visible beauty in my weakness and sinful responses, but there is incredible beauty when my God perfects His strength in my weakness.

He is faithful to you in this way too. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know you may be doubting His goodness or wondering if He's even there. But no matter the pain, the heartache, the hurt, the struggles—if you are a child of God—He is holding onto you. He won't let you go.

God's unchanging character carries us through the deepest waters and the darkest moments:

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You preserve my life..." Psalm 138:7a

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

If you're struggling today, don't lose hope even though you can't see how God is working. Keep crying out to Him. Landing on His promises. Trusting that He is faithful and He won't let you go. Do it again and again as you fight the feelings of discouragement and despair.

Learning to hope in God through suffering, while extremely difficult, is a more beautiful reality than the temporary glamor of a self-sufficient, successful life. And one that has much deeper impact. In God's goodness He is drawing you to Himself through your trials and causing you to become more dependent on Him. That will have a much greater reward than any success or accomplishment ever will. God's power and strength is vividly and powerfully displayed when you are weak.

This is the beauty found in weakness. 

When We Just Can't Get Along: Personality Clashes and the Gospel

I have a secret: I love Myers-Briggs personality typing. Actually, it’s not much of a secret if you know me well. Figuring out others’ personalities for the sake of more effectively understanding and communicating with them is an odd hobby of mine. Sometimes I get teased about my so-called "obsession" with it.

Intriguing information floods from personality studies. You can find the best career path for your type, what motivates you, how you handle conflict, your typical responses, what energizes you and what stresses you out. You can even learn what other personalities you get along with best.

I think it can be very helpful, and I appreciate the information from MBTI and other studies. But the truth is that it’s not always right. Yes, there's a lot of good to glean from personality studies. However, there’s something that far outweighs personality compatibility, and that is the gospel. You see:

The gospel destroys all barriers.

We often think of the gospel destroying the barriers of race or class. The power to love brothers and sisters who are not like us culturally or ethnically has been provided through the gospel. But did you realize the same goes for personality? Through the gospel, we are supernaturally enabled to love all people—even those with whom we clash personality-wise.

You know what that means? There’s no excuse for failing to love that demanding boss, the messy roommate, the annoying sibling, that person at church I just don’t “click with,” that co-worker or fellow student who always rubs me the wrong way. For if we simply love those who are similar to us, what value does that have? (Mt. 5:46)

Granted, some people are harder to love than others. We will struggle to understand some people. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible or that we have an excuse to give up on them. Rather it is because of the gospel that we can love all people, no matter how different they are from us.

A few of the personalities that I supposedly clash with are actually my closest friends. Yes, it takes hard work. My sister and I are total opposites in many ways (INFP and ESFJ for those who are really curious). Yet those differences are good, and we have learned so much from each other over the years that would not be possible if we were just alike. It’s humbling to set aside my own preferences and learn to love those who are different from me, but it is so rewarding.

I believe Myers-Briggs can be very beneficial, especially when it comes to understanding others, recognizing their strengths, and communicating well with them. But we can also use differences to excuse why we can't talk to someone or why we always argue with that one acquaintance or co-worker. So the next time you find yourself complaining about the personality problems with someone or think you could never get along with a "that person," remember this:

God lavished His love you, so you now have the ability to love others–even those who irk you.

The barriers erected by personality differences have been demolished by the gospel. Perhaps, instead of allowing differences to separate you, you need to humbly love and pursue that person that is difficult. After all, a friendship with someone who is not just like you more clearly magnifies the beauty of the gospel.

And isn't that what we want our lives to shine forth?

Encouragement Where You Least Expect It

Encouragement can come from the most unlikely places.

I served in a one-year internship with Vision of Hope, a residential facility for women seeking biblical help from life-dominating sins. I was there to serve and encourage the women seeking help. But in turn, those women encouraged and challenged me in my walk with God in so many ways they never even realized.

• Because as they struggled with sin, I remembered how deeply rooted my struggle was with sin, and how it was not easily overcome.
• As I watched them learn how to deal with the hard situations in life and not run from them, I was challenged to continue persevering in my difficult circumstances.
• As I spoke truth to the women when they were struggling, it was I who needed to hear those exact same truths.
• As God redeemed and healed their broken pasts and sin, God was in the process of doing the same with me.

You see, as long as we’re on earth, we never “make it” to perfection. We never stop battling sin. Things never get easy on the spiritual war front.

But that’s where the body of Christ comes in. As we strive together, we can encourage, exhort, and challenge one another. Just as Hebrews tells us to do.

“But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called 'today,' that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” Hebrews 3:13

Sin is deceitful and our own hearts are too (Jer. 17:9). We need brothers and sisters around us who will help point out sin in our lives, who will challenge us when we are going astray, who will exhort and encourage us to persevere when it is hard.

But sometimes that encouragement and exhortation can come from the most unlikely places. Don’t look down on others who may be in a different place than you spiritually. God can use them to impact you in more ways than you know.

So to the women who are working hard to fight their sin and complete the program at Vision of Hope (or who have finished!), I admire you. Your faithfulness has encouraged me significantly, and I am grateful for how God is transforming and using each of you.

Appointments and Small Improvements

Living with chronic illness has been one of the greatest challenges and tests of faith I’ve known yet, constantly revealing where I look for hope. And it isn't always pretty.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor last week with very little to “show”. Sadly, my autoimmune numbers are not improving yet, despite over a year of substantial immune support, detoxing, and gut healing, as well as over three months of intense lyme and co-infection treatment. My body is currently fighting six infections that I'm aware of, but additionally, fighting against itself! I so desperately wanted my lab work to show something was "working". Yet all I know for sure is that I still have a long way to go....

The reality that it could take years for my pain to get better sunk in and brought me to a place of discouragement again. It is here that I’m faced with two choices:

1. I can worry and become anxious about how to continue life with such limitations and pain.
Or...

2. I can entrust my future to my Heavenly Father who perfectly knows and understands my situation.

This is a continual choice, to cast my cares on my Father and trust that He will do what's best for me when it doesn't seem like this is good at all! Do you find yourself in this same dilemma because of the ups-and-downs of your health, your job, or life in general? Well the Psalmist provides comfort in our distress:

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”
Psalm 34:17-19

As much as I would love to promise you that life will get easier and all your pain will dissipate, that is not necessarily true in a broken, sin-cursed world (side note: this does help us long for heaven!). "Many are the afflictions of the righteous" (v. 19). That does not sound hopeful! But we have hope in a Redeemer: One who hears, who is near to the brokenhearted, who delivers and saves the afflicted and crushed. This is a God who intimately knows our pain and cares more than any person ever will. The One who promises, in time, to deliver. This is the God we can trust.

Today I'm reminding myself that while I need to trust, I also must keep crying out for help. Continually asking God for grace to persevere. For deliverance. For hope.

God is with me today, no matter how "terrible" my circumstances may be or how bleak the future may appear. And if you know Him, He is with you too. May the Lord draw near and comfort your heart today.

(On another note, I have a wonderful functional, lyme literate doctor in Indianapolis who works hard to get to root issues in health, if anyone is looking for a doctor! :) )

Dying Dreams and Renewed Hope

I pulled out my piano teaching supplies for the first time in almost three years and I cried. It was like seeing an old friend as I remembered all the games and activities I used to do with my students and the many books I had collected.

Seeing students light up as they finally grasped a concept, the joy of playing duets together, the silly quotes I collected from young students, and the pride of watching a student conquer another piano level brought much happiness to my life. I taught for seven years and had 30 students I unexpectedly had to leave due to a sudden out-of-state move. The memories of leaving all those students, and the many tears that flowed (both on my part and theirs) are painful.

But the most difficult reality was, because of chronic illness, I became unable to teach again.

Piano was a huge part of my life. I played for close to 20 years and loved teaching. But chronic pain and fatigue significantly impacted my ability to play, as my pain would escalate. I pretty much stopped playing, only pulling it out for particular needs and in very limited capacities. Since then, I’ve often wondered if I would ever teach or really play again.

I had to give up the dream of piano, while at the same time trying to remain hopeful that I would play again. Honestly, it wasn’t a pretty process. I angrily blamed God for a while, questioning why He would take away a gift I had, why He would give me a passion for something and then not enable me to use it. It seemed like the only thing God had done for me was let dream after dream die.

Yet in the midst of my frustrations something came out that I was internally fighting for: entitlement. It is difficult to lose things you love; you will wrestle with it no matter who you are! But I clung to bitterness, thinking I deserved those things and that it was wrong of God to keep them from me.

Unfortunately, it didn’t solve my problem. Clinging to things that were gone only served to make me more frustrated and angry. Yes, it’s ok to wrestle. Yes, it’s good to lament. But we have to take those wrestlings and laments to the Father who knows and understands us fully and cares for us intimately, instead of letting it push us away from Him.

Piano was not the only dream that died over the last few years, but it was a huge one. I’ve been afraid to hope for many things because I’ve felt so discouraged and disappointed by my losses.

If you’re in that season where all your dreams are dying, I empathize with you. It is tremendously hard. But God didn’t allow those things to be taken away because He’s angry with you. He loves you. And in His love, He longs for your holiness. It’s an uncomfortable grace for sure, but a beautiful one. God uses the fire to refine the ugly areas of our hearts and purify us. As we learn to cling to Him in our losses, we can find life and hope, even in the death of a dream. 

And what's amazing is that, in turn, we actually become more useful in the Kingdom. Because we are more gentle, more loving, more patient, more forgiving, more gracious after God has done deep work our hearts. You may think your limitations are only a hindrance, but you may find that the greatest, most impactful ministry flows out of those weaknesses. Don't despise it. God is a redeeming God.

Since I'm finally addressing the root cause of my health issues, chronic Lyme disease and several other infections, I'm hopeful that things will gradually begin to improve, even though it's still up-and-down. So by God’s grace (not my own doing), I began to teach again this week for the first time in three years. I’m fearful because of my weaknesses. Playing the piano still increases my pain, so I don't sit down and play hardly at all. There are days that fatigue and brain fog are hard to push through. Because of my limitations, my teaching will not be exactly the same. There’s also quite an emotional and mental battle with the piano due to losing it for a season.

But I’m going to try. I cannot let my fear keep me from life. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I may only have 3 students instead of 30, but I will be faithful in doing what I can. And I know God will give me the grace I need for each day.